Crypts and Criminals
by GreatWyrmGold
Summary: Half a dozen of Vale's most wanted gather in secret to...play D&D.
1. Baron Wolfcreek

This is my submission for June's /r/RWBY monthly writing contest.

* * *

"This is a terrible idea," Cinder muttered.

"This is a _great_ idea!" Mercury insisted. Neo nodded, grabbing a handful of nachos from the bowl Roman was carrying.

The four of them, along with Adam, were bringing snacks, books, and other important gaming-related materials into the big room in the middle of the warehouse, where Emerald was preparing a large map. Dividing the table was an improvised Dungeon Master's screen composed of three scraps of plywood propped up by bottles of Dust, boxes of snacks, and one copy of Violet's Garden.

"Everyone's got a character and a little backstory?" Emerald asked.

"I've got this," Roman said, handing a few pieces of paper.

"Sheet looks in order," Emerald noted. "Decent backstory...rags on the path to riches, standard, but still not bad. Cinder?"

She rolled her eyes and handed Emerald her sheet. "Lilith wants knowledge and power."

"Bit dry. Merc?"

"Hermes Ricewalker is ready to go."

"Character sheet looks—why the _hell_ did you pick Improved Grapple?"

"To grapple people."

"Why would—ugh! Never mind. Backstory...young monk leaving the monastery to explore the world. Pretty flexible. Adam?"

He grunted and passed a folder to Emerald.

"Nice. Character sheet looks in order, you even remembered to grab bastard sword proficiency."

"You didn't need to write a novel, Adam," Mercury complained.

"It's...seven pages. Front and back, except the last."

"But no pictures."

Emerald sighed. "Right, this is a bit long, but...he's basically a rebel from decadent high-elven society. Motivated in part, I see, by their prejudice against the more 'monstrous' races..."

Adam sighed. "Your point?"

"No point. Okay, Neo, what do—"

She got up and shoved one and a half crumpled sheets of paper at Emerald.

"The character sheet's pretty bare-bones, you'll probably want something with a bit more space in a level or two. And you don't have prepared spells. And your backstory is—I already told you, the ice cream would just melt!"

Neo rolled her eyes, grabbed a handful of candies, and sat down, pouting.

"Pick out some spells, Neo." She rolled her eyes again and scrawled "Guidance, Inflict Minor Wounds 2, Cause Fear, Bane, Cure Light Wounds(D)" in the margin of her character sheet. In pen.

Emerald sighed. "Alright...how would this pack of people get together?"

"Neo's easy," Mercury said. "She just follows Roman's guy around for no apparent reason, and he doesn't have the heart to get rid of her. Just like the real Neo!"

Neo kicked Mercury under the table. Mercury kicked back. This continued.

"We don't really have enough information to do anything else with her, so sure. Maybe Cinder's character and Adam's—"

"His name is Soverliss."

"—and Soverliss met while Cinder was attacking an elven wizard's tower to steal his spellbook, and they've been sticking together since."

"Works for me," Cinder said with a shrug. Adam nodded.

"Great. Roman, any ideas on how your character would join those two?"

"You could try a bar," Mercury suggested. "Just like real life!"

"Neo?" Roman asked. "Kick him harder. And Emerald...they might have passed through town, and I took the opportunity to join them."

"I ran into them when they were in that bar, too," Mercury said, "and figured that the best way to explore the world would be to follow them. Besides, it would keep them out of trouble."

"More like they'd keep _you_ out of trouble," Emerald retorted. "But we have our backstories woven together, so let's get started. Your little band travels to the edge of civilization, a place where some human refugees and pioneers are trying to make a new settlement and a new kingdom. It's a pretty small area, overshadowed by mountains, forests turning to swamps. A man calling himself the Baron of Wolfcreek apparently needs some help with a local pest."

"What kind of pest?" Mercury asked. "I'm not interested in clearing out rats or hornets or something."

"The kind with scales, wings, and caustic breath."

"So, rats?"

"Remind me never to come to your place," Roman said.

"I bring the others to the baron's palace," Cinder said.

"It's not really a palace. It's the nicest building around, but it's really just a big rock house, somewhere between a mansion and a fortress, only smaller. Anyways, the Baron wants you to go to a crypt where this dragon has made a lair. It's been gathering orcs to do its bidding, and raiding the Wolfcreek area. In particular, it's stolen tens of thousands of silver coins in transit from the mint."

"What's in it for us?" Roman asked.

"You can keep anything you find in the crypts, of course," Emerald said. "Whoever kills the dragon will get a knighthood."

"What's that mean?" Mercury asked.

"It's just a title, really. You get to give yourself a dynastic name, a coat of arms, and such; people should treat you more respectfully; and you'll have a few duties." Adam nodded with interest, but Roman and Cinder were unimpressed. "Oh, and if you find any unusual artifacts, the Baron's willing to buy them from you for an excellent price, and even if you want to keep them, he'd pay for a chance to study them."

"Numbers?" Roman said.

"You normally sell things for half price. The Baron'd pay three-quarters, and ten percent to borrow it for a week or two. Only some, though, a plain _+1 dagger_ would be sold for normal price."

"Anyone _not_ want to take the job?" Mercury asked.

Cinder frowned. "Will there be any arcane knowledge at the dragon's lair?"

"There's no way to know for sure," Emerald said. "However, dragons are inherently magical creatures, and...everyone make a Sense Motive check."

"I don't have that skill," Cinder said.

"Then just a Wisdom roll."

"Eighteen-plus-three, twenty-one!" Mercury said. "Blackjack!"

"I have sixteen," Adam grumbled.

Roman groaned. "Only eight, despite being the only person to put ranks in the skill."

"Ten," Cinder said.

Neo pointed at her die. Two.

"Alright. Soverliss and Hermes realize that the baron's expecting there to be some interesting magic in the dragon's lair. Hermes is thinking that it's probably not normal magic; if it was, he wouldn't be so interested in it."

Mercury grinned. "I'll keep that tidbit to myself, actually."

Adam glanced at Cinder, then said, "I won't."

"Interesting," Cinder said, smiling. "Well, we'll go."

"Excellent. You're given directions to the crypt. It's a few days aw—"

"Random encounter?" Mercury asked.

"Well, yes, but—"

"I cast burning hands!" Cinder said.

"Not just—"

Roman shrugged. "I'll start inspiring courage, I guess."

"We need to—"

Neo accidentally kicked the table instead of Mercury.

" _Dust DAMN it, everyone shut up or I'm rolling on the level-nine table!"_ Everyone became silent and still. "Good. Now, please let me roll the random encounter, which is, as the name suggests, _random_." Two ten-sided dice clattered behind Emerald's DM screen, followed by two eight-siders. "Make Spot checks, everyone. Need to see who sees it."

Cinder said, "I don't—"

"Wisdom check."

"Sixteen," Roman announced.

"Twelve," said Adam.

Cinder smiled. " _Seven_ teen."

"Fifteen," Mercury said.

Neo grabbed another chip and pointed to her die. Three.

Emerald sighed. "You have absolutely _horrible_ luck, Polly." Neo _poli_ tan rolled her eyes and resumed kicking Mercury, who resumed retaliation. Emerald chose not to notice this, and rolled for the Medium viper; sixteen plus seven. "The encounter rolled better than any of you." She rolled a Hide check for the snake, three plus twelve. Fifteen, with the opposing Spot checks getting minus one per ten feet... "Cinder, you see the snake when it's twenty feet away.

"I cast burning hands!"

"That can't hit targets more than fifteen feet away."

"Can I move five feet, _then_ cast burning hands?"

Emerald quietly rolled a Bluff check for Cinder and a Sense Motive for the snake. "Sure."

"I cast burning hands!"

"Right. The snake rolls...twelve on its Reflex save. What's the DC?"

"Um..."

"Ten plus spell level plus spellcasting ability," Mercury said.

"Eleven plus..."

"You're a wizard, so Intelligence," he said. "Which your character has more of than you."

Cinder held up a hand to Neo, then kicked Mercury herself. "Fourteen."

"The snake takes full damage. Roll 1d4 for damage."

Cinder rolled the pointy chunk of plastic. "Four! Maximum damage!"

"Excellent. The snake burns and writhes some. Roll initiative."

"Damn," Mercury said. "Natural one."

"None of you are rolling very well," Emerald pointed out. "Two sixes, a five, a nine. The snake rolled an eleven, so he goes first."

"I have a thirteen," Adam said.

"Eleven _before_ Dex," Emerald said. "Fourteen after. So the snake goes first, then Adam—"

"Soveliss."

"—Cinder, Roman, Neo, and finally Mercury. The snake's a big one, several feet long. It slithers to Cinder's character and bites her." Dice clatter. "Nineteen. I think that hits your typical first-level wizard?"

"Indeed."

"Right, damage...minimum, so one damage."

Cinder grinned. "You cannot stop the arcane might of—" She checked her character sheet. "Lilith Spodium!"

"Roll a Fortitude save."

"Eleven."

"That just—"

"Minus one."

Mercury raised his hand.

"What?" Cinder asked, annoyed.

"Why do you have a penalty to Constitution?"

"...You'll know what you need—"

"Did you not even check what it meant?"

"I checked!"

"Six points of Constitution damage," Emerald said. "Drops it to what, two?"

Cinder nodded.

"You lose three maximum hit points, meaning your current hit points are two. And you might die in a minute."

"So much for unstoppable arcane might," Mercury said with a chuckle.

Cinder held up her hand to Neo again. Neo shrugged and grabbed an apple.

"How old are you, Cinder?" Roman asked. "Should I start calling you one of the kids?"

Cinder glowered at Roman, before turning to the table. "What now?"

"Adam?"

"Soveliss will draw one of his blades and charge the snake."

"Right, roll."

"...Three. Plus five, and two for charging, that's ten."

"The snake twitches, and your sword strikes the mud."

"Me next?" Roman asked.

"Nope. Cinder."

"I back away from the snake—"

"Want to withdraw, or do you want to take an attack of opportunity?"

"I'll withdraw, then—"

"You can't do anything after withdrawing." Cinder grumbled. "Roman?"

"I'll move here, and throw a dagger."

"Right."

"Nineteen! That's a crit?"

"Roll to confirm."

"Another nineteen."

"Roll damage twice."

"Five damage."

"That puts the snake at zero hit points—"

"One kill for Ros!"

"—which means it's disabled, not killed."

"Oh."

"Neo?"

She grabbed the bit of string representing the snake and tossed it to the side.

"Neo, are you attacking? You need to roll."

She rolled...a twelve-sided die.

"You know what I mean."

Neo rolled a twenty-sided die.

"That's a miss," Emerald said, moving the lump of clay Neo brought for her miniature next to the snake. "Merc?"

"I throw two shuriken, flurry-of-blows. Thirteen, sixteen."

"The first hits a thick scale at a bad angle and glances off. The second hits the serpent at the base of its neck."

"Two damage."

"It goes unconscious. I'd say that's a kill for Hermes and an assist for both Ros and Lilith."

"Who?" Cinder asked.

"Mercury, Roman, and you, respectively."

"Oh."

"Soveliss cleans the mud off of his blade," Adam said.

"Great. Anyone want to treat Cinder's poison? Before it kills her, ideally? She's got a minus four to Fort right now."

"Can Neo do anything?" Cinder asked.

"Not with spells. Even _delay poison_ is a second-level spell. Anyone have ranks in Heal?"

"I do," Adam said. Neo raised her hand.

"Great." Emerald glanced at their character sheets. "Neo's got plus seven, Adam's plus three. So if Adam wants to take a break from cleaning his blade to save the boss's life..."

"I will."

"Great! Roll against DC 10 to aid Neo, and she'll roll against DC 11 to stop the secondary damage."

"Twenty total," Adam said. "Soveliss is an excellent—"

"—nurse," Mercury finished.

Neo rolled a d20. Eighteen.

"Plus seven, plus two, Cinder's not gonna worry about the poison. Except for the damage she already took, of course. She'll have a couple days to heal, and it might not hurt to wait a couple of days. Full bed rest for Cinder means she'd heal that Constitution at double rate. Anyways, just something to consider. Anyone need to take a break?"

* * *

I have a nice Google doc where you can look at the adventure Emerald has planned, as well as everyone's character sheets. Neither is 100% complete, but they're pretty solid. Good old FF.n doesn't like links, even its own website name, but if I told you to add some periods to docs google com/document/d/104MLwHzEGfCGzEX1LYpzVNqW-6T_gu2Cf41LOyJU_f8/edit?usp=sharing and docs google com/spreadsheets/d/1YODV_SurOW06w8uVjhAjxky_3g6PwGOLnyvj4XyIFyY/edit?usp=sharing there wouldn't be much FF.n would do about it.

I did roll for their Attributes, by the way. Some just rolled very, very well.


	2. Travel, Sleep, and Fighting

"I'm back!" Mercury said. "And I grabbed an ice cream bar from the freezer." Neo looked at Mercury, attempting to make puppy dog eyes. She mostly looked surprised, perhaps with a dose of pollen allergy. He sat down. "It'll be _delicious_." He unwrapped the bar and took a big bite out of it. Neo immediately resumed kicking him under the table. "Hey, the freezer isn't _that_ high. You could have gotten it yourself."

" _Children,_ " Roman said. "I believe Emerald's ready to give out experience and loot?"

"My two favorite things," Mercury said. "Ice cream's a close third, though. _Mm._ "

"That was a CR 1 monster—"

"CR?" Adam asked.

"Challenge Rating. And you're a level 1 party, so sixty XP each."

" _Sixty?_ " Cinder said. "I nearly died!"

"It says, right here, that you don't get more XP for rolling badly or making poor decisions," Emerald said.

"Like your saving throw, or your choice to dump Constitution."

"Where would _you_ have put the eight? Dexterity? Wisdom?"

"Before Constitution, yeah. Wisdom, definitely. Besides—"

"Don't you dare imply Cinder has a low Wisdom score," Emerald warned. "I don't want a murder at my table."

" _Your_ table?" Cinder asked.

"It's mine while I'm DMing. Feel free to murder Mercury here after all the books and whatnot that I bought are off it, and after the game I'm running is over."

Roman cleared his throat. "Let's loot the body, then."

"Loot the body?"

"You know, check it for loot."

"It's a snake, not a hobo. It doesn't even have a purse. Maybe you could make a pair of snakeskin boots from it or something, but—"

Adam spoke up. "Soverliss has Craft (leatherworking). Would I roll that?"

"...Yeah, probably. What're you trying to make?"

"Boots, I suppose."

"The snake's probably something like...ten square feet, maybe. Yeah, that's a nice, thick pair of boots. You can roll once y'all make camp. Anyone else want to do stuff before then?"

"I need to rest," Cinder said. "I nearly _died_ , remember?"

"Set up camp?" Mercury asked.

Roman shrugged. "Fine with me. Bullhead and Neo have any opinion?"

Adam glared; Neo scooped some guacamole onto her potato chip.

"I hear no complaints," Roman said, "so let's get started."

"Right. First, Adam's skinning the snake and turning it into nice boots. Roll a Survival check to not screw up the snake."

Clatter. "Ten total."

"Hits the DC I assigned. Next...hm." Emerald flipped through the Player's Handbook, looking at the Craft rules and equipment section. "Let's say...DC 12, like leather armor would be, and assign an effective value of...half a gold piece. Roll."

"Ten plus two, twelve."

"On the mark. That's a hundred forty-four silvers for a week's work, or about two gold pieces in a day, plenty to finish the boots. Anyone else doing stuff?"

"I need to make arrows," Roman said. "Plus five, so I can take 10 for 15. If arrows qualify as a simple weapon, due to being closer in complexity to a spear than a sword or bow, the DC is twelve, correct? That means I'd get eighteen gold of arrows, which is three hundred and sixty, done each week if I worked eight hours per day, or six and a half per hour of work."

"Do you have proper tools? And what're you planning to use for raw materials?"

"You can make arrows out of sharpened rocks and sticks. As for tools...ah..."

"Minus two, so...thirty-one-ish, more like five and a half. Still, pretty well-thought-out, and I appreciate you learning the crafting rules. Twenty-five bonus XP for you."

"Hey!" Cinder growled.

"You do something impressive, you get bonus XP."

"I nearly—"

"Any idiot can do that."

"In fact," Mercury said, "idiots do it better!"

"Anyways, Adam's—"

"Soverliss."

"—making boots, Roman's making arrows, what're the rest of y'all doing?"

"I'll hunt," Mercury said.

"I'm resting," said Cinder.

Neo grabbed a handful of cheese puffs.

"...Right. I think hunting's Survival?"

"Si—Nineteen!"

"Merc tosses a shuriken in the eye of a passing doe. Between that and the snake, you have enough food for a couple of days. I suppose Neo can help Cinder heal?"

"Yes."

"Neo, your voice's changed! It sounds almost exactly like Cinder's!"

Neo tossed a crumpled-up candy bar wrapper at Emerald.

"Right, that should cover the evening. Camp arrangements? First off, who has a tent?"

Cinder and Neo stared blankly at each other.

"Swords are expensive," Adam muttered.

Mercury smiled. "Good thing I have a tent. It sleeps two, oh no. Who's sleeping with Hermes?"

Emerald shuddered. "Way to word it."

"Word what? I said exactly what I mean."

"It sounded like—"

"Exactly. What. I. Mean."

"That tent is mine," Cinder said.

"Oh, did you pay for it?"

"Well...no, I—"

"Let me settle this here," Emerald said. "Let's just trade in spare coin and gear for extra tents. Cinder...you bought _alchemist's fire_ , seriously?"

"What?"

"Before a tent?"

"Well...it seemed like—"

"I'm sure. Change it or you're sleeping with Mercury."

"Wait, in the game or—"

"Finish that sentence and die," Cinder snarled.

Mercury shoved his chair backwards. "Whoa. Uncalled for."

"Shut up," Emerald said. "You'll live longer."

Mercury grumbled something about periods before going to the kitchen.

"Anyways...that's four people in tents. Anyone else have ten gold lying around?"

Mercury pointed at Neo. Neo glared back.

"Hm...yup, twenty-eight gold pieces unspent. Care to spend—no?"

"If she doesn't want a tent," Roman said, "she can sleep outside." Neo looked at Roman. "In the game. You can still sleep in your bed in the real world." Neo kept looking at him. "The tents sleep two. You want your character to squeeze in with Ros or something?" Neo nodded. "...Em?"

"Lemme see your characters...Ros is pretty small, Neo's cleric probably is too, and between Sovvie—"

"Soverliss."

"—Hermes, and Lilith, the elf's the smallest. So you three can cram in one tent uncomfortably—"

"No," said Cinder. "Not after the cracks Mercury made about sleeping with me."

"You'd rather sleep with Roman and Neo?" Emerald asked.

"Kinky," Mercury said, coming in. "Grabbed some of that pumpkin pie, Cinder." He handed a plate to her, with one piece of the promised pumpkin pie on it.

"...Thank you, Mercury."

"Kissass," Emerald grumbled. "So, we've almost finished preparations for the night. We just need to figure out who's sleeping with who and who's on watch when."

"I'm injured, and spellcasters need time to prepare spells," Cinder said.

"Elves don't need to sleep," Adam said. "They trance. Soverliss can keep watch half the night. The others can keep an hour each. That's eight hours."

"Tent problem," Emerald said. "Incidentally, Neo, how big is your character?"

Neo considered the question, then scrawled some numbers in the margins of her character sheet.

"Humans literally cannot be that small. I'm willing to be flexible, but that's breaking size category rules."

Neo reconsidered the question, then crossed out what she just wrote and replaced the numbers.

"That's better. Everyone else already wrote stuff in, so we know who's tall and who isn't. Cinder and Mercury own the tents, and the former doesn't want to sleep with the latter anyways. Roman and Neo are the smallest, and apparently attached at the hip, so they're in one tent; which one?"

"I'm willing to sleep with the Mystralian twins," Mercury said. "Especially since I just noticed Roman's playing a girl."

"Wait, what?" Cinder said.

"Girl. You know..." Mercury suppressed a description that would get him in trouble. "...the opposite of a man?"

"I know _what_ a girl is, fool, but why is Roman playing one?"

"I have my reasons," Roman said. "Carefully-calculated reasons."

"With that aside," Emerald said, "do either of you two have a problem sleeping with each other?"

Mercury grinned.

"Shut up."

"Hey, I didn't even say anything!"

"Yet. This time."

"Let's get this over with," Cinder said.

"Right. Night passes, day comes. Cinder, you heal a point of Constitution damage and a hit point."

"We're resting today," Cinder said.

"...Alright, any objections?"

"We shouldn't delay," Adam said. "The Baron expects an expedient job."

"I'm nearly _dead_ , you idiot! We're resting."

"How about we vote? All in favor of resting another day, raise your hand. Keep in mind that there's another full day to travel, so another full day to rest." Cinder and Mercury raised their hands. "All fine with going on immediately, raise your hand." Adam and Roman raised their hands. "Neo?" The girl ignored Emerald, and appeared to be grinding up a cheese puff into her soda. "Neopolitan?" She continued to ignore Emerald. " _Polly!_ " Neo threw an unopened can at Emerald's face. "Why, you—"

"Calm down," Mercury said. "I'll switch my vote, happy?"

"No," said Cinder.

"I don't care. Roman, control your creature!" Another can of soda flew at Emerald; she caught this one.

"Neo, come on, calm down..." Neo splashed a little soda on Roman. "Alright, if you don't calm down, you aren't getting ice cream for a week. Understand?" Neo frowned, but nodded. "And stop kicking Mercury, too. You're an adult, not an infant."

"...Right. The infant's character is presumably providing long-term care to Cinder's?"

"Of course."

"Still not your call."

Neo nodded.

"Great, you'll heal two more points of Constitution today. The day after that, you reach the crypt. If you don't make camp—"

"We're resting another day, so I can get my damn Constitution back."

"We might be able to get some scouting done," Mercury pointed out. "Who's got decent stealth?"

"Stealth? Is that a skill?" Cinder asked.

Emerald said, "It's two, in this edition."

"I've got fives," Roman said.

"Same," said Adam.

"Four, so we could all go if we trusted our luck, but ranger-and-bard would be a better team," Mercury concluded.

"Did you remember armor penalties?" Emerald asked.

Roman facepalmed. "Right, fours then."

"I have leather armor," Adam said. "No penalty."

"Right. So, who's going?"

"I'm not," said Cinder, "and neither is my caretaker. I'm not interested in Mercury staying around, either."

Mercury shrugged. "Those two'd get into trouble without me. Never gamed a day in your lives?"

"It's not exactly complicated," Roman argued. "Numbers, mostly."

"So, to confirm, Mercury, Roman, and Adam—"

"Soverliss."

"—are scouting the crypt that afternoon?"

"Yup."

"Yes."

Adam nodded.

"Great. Its entrance is a small shrine built into the edge of a crumbling cliff. What god it was dedicated to is impossible to determine; it's been eroded by the centuries, and in any case all the holy symbols and idols have been defaced or removed. Someone smeared green plant matter in spirals anywhere flat and clean enough. A tunnel leads deeper."

"Should we enter?" Roman asked.

" _Don't you know, you never split the party/Clerics in the back keep those_ —"

"What are you doing?" Emerald asked.

"Your favorite band, Emerald Rose."

"What?"

"Not what, who. Brown Sullivan, Larry Moors, Arthur Winds, and Glade Gilbert."

"Are you sure those are real people?"

"Could they write an awesome song and probably some other ones if they weren't?"

"...Right. Vote?"

"In," Roman said. "It's where the treasure is."

"In," Adam said. "It's our duty."

"Out," Mercury said. "Not that it matters much."

"Hold on," Cinder said. "Are you seriously saying they'll be getting combat and XP without me?"

"Oh, I'm sure I can arrange something for you, too."

Cinder paled.

* * *

To anyone curious if I knew the members of Emerald Rose off the top of my head: Hahaha no.


	3. You Don't Know, To Never Split the Party

For anyone who cares, I _do_ roll all the rolls. It's more authentic that way. I'm willing to manipulate the rolls for dramatic effect...but I haven't needed to do so yet. CRME+AN makes plenty of drama on its own, even without having slightly better luck than me.

* * *

Cinder paled.

"But first, let's see how the scouts are doing. Do you head down the hallway?"

"We already said yes," Roman said.

"Most of us," Mercury grumbled, before starting to hum.

"It's a fairly long corridor, sloping downwards a bit. I don't suppose any of you want to turn on a light source?"

"I have low-light vision," Adam said.

"So does Roman, but that doesn't help unless there *is* low light. Or at all, for me. Anyone bring torches?"

There was no response, except for Neo grabbing some cheese puffs.

"...Well, great. I don't suppose anyone's lit up the crypts inhabited by orcs, dragons, and other creatures with darkvision?"

"There are some braziers in the walls," Emerald said, "but they're not lit. And sunlight only reaches so far."

"Great! Maybe someone has a lantern?"

No response.

"Even better. Improvised torches? Who bought flint and steel?"

"I did," Cinder said.

Silence.

"Why did no one else buy flint and steel?"

"Why didn't _you?_ " Roman asked.

"I had fifteen starting gold. Two for a backpack, two for a kama, one for some shuriken, and the rest went to that tent. I _couldn't_ buy flint or steel!"

"Flint is a kind of rock," Adam said. "And our weapons are steel. Could I find some flint, and use that?"

"...Survival roll, Adam."

"Fourteen."

"Missed it by _one!_ Sorry, no flint."

Roman grinned. "Couldn't other rocks work?"

"...Yes, but not as well. Minus two to fire-starting, especially since you're using daggers or whatever."

"I'll grab some sticks for improvised torches," Mercury said.

"Roll Survival."

"Nat-20."

"...You find some torches, let's go with that."

"Sweet, how many?"

"Ah...five."

"Cool. Light one, elfman, I'll carry it."

Adam growled. "His name is Soverliss."

"Right, right. Overlips can light a torch."

"The tunnel goes for at least a hundred feet into the cliff," Emerald said, hoping to cut off any more arguments. "The ceiling is natural stone, supported by the occasional stony arch; the walls and floor were once marble bricks, carefully fit together. The centuries have taken their toll on the place, however; mosses and lichens grow in the cracks—"

"I thought there wasn't any light?" Roman asked.

Mercury cupped his chin in his hand. "Unless someone brings a torch. That gives them a little light."

"Unless there's always people passing by, that won't amount to much."

"We know it's inhabited."

"Didn't you say—"

"It's magical moss!" Emerald shouted.

"Ooh, a wizard did it," Roman said. "How _original_."

"There's magical subterranean flora in the basic rulebooks, don't argue with Graygax."

"Oh, really?"

"I believe you," said Mercury, thinking of nasty things like green slime and brown mold.

"For instance, there's a patch of—"

"Spot-check-thirteen-and-seven-twenty!"

"...Hermes points out a patch of yellow mold, a poisonous—"

"I toss my torch at it, to burn it. Yellow mold's flammable, correct?"

"It is. When the torch hits the patch, it released some spores, but they quickly catch along with the rest of the patch. There's a small explosion, which puts the torch out. You're in deep enough that it's pitch-dark."

"Out of curiosity," Roman asked, "how did the inhabitants get in and out of the crypt with that poisonous mold there?"

"The hallway's five feet wide, they went around. You could have, too, if you felt like it."

"...I grab the torch," Adam said.

"It's dark, make a Search roll.

"Eight."

"Nope. Roman? Think it's important?"

"Yup. Fourteen."

"Almost. Merc?"

"Another eight."

"Y'all spend a minute looking for the torch. Rolls?"

"Sixteen."

"Adam finds it. Roll to start the fire again."

"You didn't make me roll last time."

"You weren't in a hurry last time."

"...What is that, Survival?"

"Yup."

"Thirteen, plus six, minus two for tools, seventeen."

"Soverliss lights the torch, revealing a lizard-man...thirty feet down the corridor. He's got a snake—"

Roman groaned.

"—with him. Roll for initiative."

Mercury smiled. "Twenty."

"Nineteen," Roman said.

"Twenty-one," muttered Adam.

"The lizard's got seven and the snake got...twenty-four, it's going first."

Roman groaned again.

"I'm glad I'm not there," Cinder muttered.

"Adam's in front, so the snake's charging you. Eight misses, your turn."

"Soverliss draws a sword and cuts the snake in half."

"Roll."

"Twelve."

"Soverliss draws a sword and cuts a brick on the wall in half. For a certain definition of 'cut'. Merc?"

"Flurry of Shuriken, at the snake. Got a two and a...two."

"You people can't roll for crap today."

"It's not just 2d6 rolls we're having trouble with," Mercury remarked.

"Crap, not craps."

"Hey, don't let reality interfere with my humor."

"Is that what that was? Anyways, Roman."

"I've got a full quiver—"

"You bought a quiver?" Mercury asked.

"I'm pretty sure every bow comes with a free, full quiver," Emerald said.

"...Good to know. I'm shooting the snake."

"That's a natural one. You miss. Roll for critical failure."

"Twelve."

"Miss. You shoot Adam in the back. Roll...two damage to Sovierliss. And now Liz's going. He's throwing a javelin at the guy with the sword. Adam, what's your AC?"

"Soverliss's armor class is sixteen."

"The lizardfolk _just_ hit that. ...And max damage, seven. And it's the snake's turn again. Misses the bite, Adam?"

"Same." Clatter. "Eight."

"Miss. Merc?"

"Another flurry of shuriken. Twenty!"

"Roll to confirm."

"Eighteen."

"Confirmed, roll two d2's."

"Two plus two is four."

"The snake's disabled. Want to throw the next shuriken at the lizardfolk?"

"Hell yeah! Another nat-20!"

"I think I've found where our luck's been going," Roman muttered.

"And a twenty to confirm...and a nat-one to instakill."

"Still a crit. Damage?"

"Five."

"Still up. Hermes tosses a shuriken into the neck of the snake and the eye of the lizardfolk. Roman?"

"I'll shoot the lizardfolk. Eight."

"Miss. He throws a javelin back at Merc...it whizzes by all of you. The snake...Adam, what's your AC?"

"Sixteen."

"The snake sinks its teeth into a seam of your armor, dealing one point of damage. Make a Fort roll."

"Nineteen plus—"

"Made it."

Merc nodded. "Now that that's over...the snake's disabled."

"Ah, right. It loses a hit point and falls unconscious. Adam?"

"Soverliss will finish off the serpent."

"He cuts it in half. Merc?"

"I'll throw my last shuriken at the lizardfolk. Miss. Another two..."

"Shooting Lizardman. Seven."

"Miss. The lizardfolk brings his shield forward and charges."

"Another two," Mercury pointed out.

"Right. Adam's sword blocks the club, biting a notch out of its hardwood handle. Speaking of whom..."

"I will kick him."

"You could just hit him with your sword," Emerald said. "More damage, no attack of opportunity."

"...Soverliss will stab him."

"Roll."

"Twenty-two."

"Hits. Damage?"

"Sixteen."

"Adam cuts through the haft and the lizardfolk's neck in one sweep. For anyone counting, that's a kill and an assist each for Hermes and Soverliss."

Mercury smiled. "I'm winning."

"Who cares?" Cinder asked.

Mercury raised his hand, then glanced around. Emerald reluctantly raised her hand; no one else did.

"Looks like I'm keeping track for all of ya."

"Whatever. Each of you gets two hundred XP."

"Loot the bodies," Roman said.

"The snake remains a snake. Each half might make a pair of snakeskin gloves. The lizardfolk has a heavy wooden shield, a broken club—"

"What's the head made out of?" Mercury asked.

"It's a rock."

"What kind?"

"Not flint. He also has four javelins, plus the one he threw at you."

"He threw two," Cinder said.

"Three plus the two he threw at you. So you've got a heavy shield, and five javelins."

"You got a ranged attack, Adam?" Mercury asked.

"Soveliss has a dagger to throw."

"Take three javelins, Roman and I can have one each. The heavy shield goes into the party stash, and two of your javelins will join it once the adventure's done."

"'Party stash'?" Roman asked.

"Stuff no one's using or that hasn't been divvied up, that we split or sell at the end of the adventure."

"Hold on," Cinder said. "Why don't I get a javelin?"

"Same reason you didn't get XP. You didn't fight."

"That's about to change," Emerald said.

Roman cleared his throat. "Actually...I'm curious, how did the lizardfolk know—"

"The explosion," Adam said.

"Bingo. Cinder, while you and Neo are doing whatever you two are doing—"

"Kinky?" Mercury asked.

"—a couple of goblins find your camp. Roll Spot."

"What's—"

"Wisdom," Emerald, Mercury, and Adam said more or less in unison.

"Four. And Neo has sixteen."

"The goblins got twenty-one and eighteen, so they get a surprise round. Each of them throws a javelin at one of you. ...Natural twenty for the one hitting Cinder."

"You're—The dice—I—"

"It happens. Um, twenty-one is higher than your flat-footed AC?"

"...Yes."

"Well then. They're just Small ones, so only five damage."

"I had five hit points."

"Well...you aren't unconscious yet. And Neo's javelin is a nineteen, which hits?" Neo nodded. "Two damage. Roll initiative."

"Twenty-two for me, nine for Neo."

"The goblins got thirteen and twelve. Cinder? Keep in mind that pretty much any attack or spell will knock you unconscious."

"Do I know where they are?"

"Ah, right." Emerald quickly put two goblin miniatures beside Neo's lump of clay and Cinder's tiny doll.

"I move here and cast burning hands!"

"Move or standard while disabled, at zero hit points. Sorry."

"...I stay here and cast...charm person?"

"DC?"

"Um—"

"Fourteen," Mercury said. "Just like last time, since it's still first-level."

"Fourteen."

"The goblin...fails his saving throw. He tries to convince his friend not to hit you with his morningstar." Emerald rolled two twenty-sided dice. "His friend overpowers him, and charges at the witch who just bewitched _his_ friend."

"Okay, how did he know I cast a spell?"

Emerald tried not to roll her eyes at her boss. "The magical incantations and gestures basically every spell has. He hit. Three damage."

"Plus one from casting the spell," Mercury pointed out.

"Good point. Merc, mind looking up what happens when someone who charms something gets knocked unconscious?"

"Sure."

"Now, Neo's turn."

Neo moved her piece of clay next to the goblin and flicked it.

"Roll."

Neo rolled, before grabbing a handful of chips and starting to dip them.

"Fifteen plus...one, does that hit?" Cinder asked.

"It does. Mind rolling damage for her?"

"Seven...eight."

"The goblin is cracked on the skull and falls unconscious. Merc?"

"Nothing about concentration, they're good for the rest of the hour. Unless maybe Cinder bleeds out."

"Right. Thanks for checking, five XP. Stabilizing...ninety-nine, but it's ten percent low. Cinder loses another hit point—"

Cinder growled.

"—and Neo should probably do a Heal check. The goblin's helping...plus two. That's plus nine total, and you rolled...eight? Cinder's stable. But unconscious."

Cinder grumbled.

"But hey, a hundred XP each!"

"Only _one_ hundred?" Cinder asked.

"Two CR 1/3 monsters, so two-thirds of 300, divided between two characters."

"I nearly _died! AGAIN!_ "

"You don't get bonus XP for rolling like crap."

"What about for _always_ being the target?"

"She had a point," Roman said. "You flamed the snake, so it bit you. You bewitched the goblin, so its friend tried to free him."

Neo held up a finger, then smacked away the charmed goblin's miniature.

"Um..." Emerald thought. "Roll Bluff, and I'll allow a _coup de grace_. Otherwise, just a normal attack."

"Natural one," Roman said. "Tough luck."

"Roll, he's still flat-footed."

"Seven, eight total," Cinder said. "But he's still charmed?"

"Not once you _or your allies_ take aggressive action!" Mercury said.

"Right. Initiative? ...Sixteen? The goblin got sixteen, too. Roll off...Fifteen? The goblin got two, so you _just_ sneak in another swing first."

"I'll roll for her," Cinder said. "And that's a thirteen, plus...one. Fourteen."

"Miss."

"Damn."

"The goblin got a four, so he missed, as well."

"Neo _almost_ missed the goblin after it missed her," Mercury summarized.

"Natural one."

"Roll to confirm fumble."

"...Confirmed."

"Neo's mace slides out of her sweaty palms and lands on her toe. One damage. The goblin takes advantage of the opening...and hits, with an eighteen. Three damage."

"I pick up the mace and swing again!" Cinder said.

"Neo's character, not yours. Attack of Opportunity...just hits, two more damage. Your attack?"

"Eighteen! No, nineteen!"

"Hits."

"Six damage!"

"The goblin is knocked to negative one hit point, just barely unconscious."

"I beat its brains in! With its own weapon!"

"It's dead. No more XP, because you already got XP for it a minute ago. Anything—"

Neo grabbed her character sheet from Cinder, crossed off one of her spells, and rolled an eight-sided die.

"Cure-light-wounds-ing yourself?" Mercury asked. Neo nodded. "You've got the Healing domain, so it's a d8 plus three, not one." Neo nodded.

"Do you have a healing spell for me?" Cinder asked. Neo looked at her for a moment, before crossing off _guidance_ and holding up one finger.

"Why, you—"

"Treasure! Each has a small morningstar, a small light shield—"

"Redundant?" Roman asked.

"A light shield, for small creatures. And leather armor, for small creatures. Neo, you already have better armor, and it wouldn't fit, you're not _that_ small."

"And your character is even taller," Mercury said.

"Merc, her character is four-foot-two."

"So?"

"...Anyways, there's also..." Emerald opened the DMG and rolled some dice. "...six hundred silver pieces, um, and nothing else. They must have just come back from raiding the mint."

"We put about half of the lizardfolk's loot in the stash," Mercury said, "so that's about a hundred fifty each and three hundred for the stash. Em, what's the kills for that encounter?"

"They don't care."

"I do."

"...Two kills for Neo, one assist for Cinder. Anyways, I think we should take another quick break. Scouters, figure out if you want to keep scouting. You two, figure out if you're going to try and wake Cinder up."

Cinder narrowed her eyes. "If?"

"How, I meant how."


	4. SoSoverlissAndRomanWereItchingForAFight

"Everyone ready?"

The five players nodded.

"Clean slates, mistakes forgiven?"

Four nodded. After a moment, Cinder joined them.

"Good. Now, when we took a break, the Three Amigos were in the dungeon ahead of the cleric and wizard. The wizard is just barely _not_ bleeding out—"

"And you three should help her," Cinder said.

"We don't know you're in trouble," Adam said. "We can't help."

"The man has a point," Mercury said.

"What else will we be doing in here?" Roman asked. "And should we skin the lizard-guy?"

Four people stared at him.

"What? He's basically just a crocodile—"

Adam smacked the back of Roman's head.

"—ow, he's definitely less than a faunus."

"People are still people," Adam said in an unusually high-pitched (though still somewhat growly) voice. "You elves never see the value of other intelligent beings' lives."

Mercury grinned. "Reality subtext, much?"

"This'll be good," Emerald said. "Pass the popcorn."

Neo grabbed a fistful of popcorn before sliding the bowl across the table.

"Thanks."

"I'm—" Roman attempted a feminine, falsetto voice. "I'm a _half_ -elf, who're you to talk about—" He coughed, before switching into a much more natural-sounding voice that almost sounded like a Cinder impression. "Who are _you_ to talk about elves, and their prejudices?"

"I never asked to be raised among bigots," Adam growled in his Soverliss voice. "I chose to reject them, and treat all intelligent beings equally."

"Have you? It sounds like you've just decided to discriminate _against_ elves, instead of for them!"

"Of course you'd say that. You think giving these people _equal rights_ is more than they deserve."

"Wait, this is in-character?" Mercury asked.

"Yes," Adam and Roman said.

Mercury held up a hand, before saying in a lower, slower voice, "Be quiet, you two. The lizardman was listening and came from the sound of exploding dust. Don't you think something _might_ come and investigate an argument?"

Adam and Roman looked at each other.

"Right. Let's leave, bring the lizardman with us, and we can decide if we want to bury him or make a neat cloak out of his skin or what once we're back at camp." Mercury switched to his normal voice. "Our tank has one hit point left. We're leaving."

"Nice roleplaying, by the way," Emerald said. "Fifteen XP for each of you."

Cinder glared at her.

"Look, you do some decent roleplaying, you'll get bonus XP. And no roleplaying while your character's unconscious, that's just me bribing you to shut up."

"The hall's one square wide," Roman said. "We can put someone else in front. Then Adam can use his new javelins!"

Adam nodded. "What have we learned?"

"Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and hearty?" Mercury suggested.

"We've learned that there _used_ to be a lizardman living here. That's nothing. If we can continue, we should."

Mercury sighed. "Fine, I can see when I'm outnumbered. I've got more hit points and more melee ability, so I'm going in first. Roman can be rearguard, so One-Hit-Point McGreen—"

"Soverliss."

"—definitely won't be exposed to the fangs and claws of any nasty beasts we find, until one of us dies. Fine with you Lemony Jenkinses?"

"Lemony _who?_ " Roman asked.

"It's a gaming thing. Means someone who charges in without worrying about the consequences. Is that marching order fine?"

Adam shrugged. Roman said, "Fine by me."

Emerald nodded. "You go deeper into the crypt, and come to a crosshalls."

"Crosshalls?" Cinder asked.

"Like crossroads, but without any roads. There's a hallway to your left that quickly branches off into two more, and you can see the hallway turning right in a couple dozen feet. Which way do you go?"

"What's that rule for mazes? Roman asked. "Follow the right wall?"

"As good a rule as any," Mercury said.

"You reach the turn, and the hallway turns left in another dozen feet. After that, it splits into two again."

"Right?" Mercury asked.

Roman nodded. "Right."

"The hallway twists around, goes straight sou—forward for a while, before turning left and ending in a simple wooden door."

"I'll open it," Mercury said.

"It's stuck. Strength check?"

"Seventeen."

Emerald began sketching a room, fifteen by fifty-five feet. "You force the warped wooden door to open. The room is full of a wide variety of fungi and stunted plants, the latter sustained by phosphorescent fungus growing on the ceiling. Half a dozen stone sarcophagi are built into the floor and overgrown by sickly vines. You don't see anything else inside. There's the door you came in, an open arch here to the south, and one right across from you."

"I search the room," Roman said.

"You find that the floor is covered with a thin layer of muck and decaying refuse."

"What's in the sarcophagi?"

"You can't get the lids off, not without a lot of work and ideally some tools."

"Turn right, go south?" Mercury suggested.

"Works for me," Adam said.

"The hallway branches in two directions, both twisty, small, dark, and largely alike. There's one going right and one going straight ahead."

"Right."

"You turn right and find yourself at a dead end."

"Turn around and go the other way, then?" Mercury said.

"Right, after exploring several more dead ends in a section of apparently-ignored catacombs, with niches for the dead—"

"I loot them," Roman said.

"—full of dust which presumably used to be the inhabitants and their belongings, you find yourself at another door."

"I open it," Mercury said.

"Stuck."

"Eight."

"Nope."

"Guys, help," Mercury said in his Hermes voice.

"Roll a 10 or higher to give Merc plus two," Emerald explained.

"Twenty-four," Adam said.

"That's...that's ten or higher," Mercury said.

"Fifteen," Roman said.

Mercury sighed. "Seventeen, so twenty-two. That's probably plenty, and we've probably blown all of our good rolls."

"The room is much like the last one, though without the flora or the middle pair of sarcophagi. You see a pile of silver coins, with a lock among them," Emerald said.

"A lock?" Adam asked.

"Stashed," Mercury said. "How many silvers?"

"Four hundred."

"Seventy each, plus one-ninety for the stash."

"There's a door to your right, and an archway towards the middle of the room."

"Should we turn back?" Mercury asked. "Our luck can't hold forever."

"We still know nothing," Adam said. "We continue."

"Same marching order?" Emerald asked. The three nodded. "Great." She started drawing the two rooms. "This door opens up into a smaller room, with an ornate, throne-like sarcophagus in the middle. There used to be a statue there, but it's been destroyed; now only the legs and hands laying upon the arms of the throne remain. Green spirals, broken squares, clusters of arrows, horned animal skulls, and other symbols have been painted on the walls, floors, and other surfaces in the room. There are a number of doors..."

"...but a little dragon in the middle."

"It's not the boss, don't worry. It's just a little red dragon. Anyone have Knowledge (arcana)?"

"I do—" Cinder started.

"—but you're a mile away and unconscious. Anyone have other Knowledge skills that might help?"

"I have nature," Adam said.

"Good enough, I guess; roll."

"Fourteen."

"Not quite enough to recognize it, with (nature), but enough that you know it isn't a true dragon. And you notice its sting."

"Pseudodragon," Mercury said with a sigh.

"No metagaming," Emerald said.

"Sorry, sorry."

"What's a pseudodragon?" Roman asked.

"No metagaming," Mercury replied.

"Roll initiative."

"Twenty."

"Seven."

"Twelve."

"Merc, the dragon got a seven, too. Roll off."

"Eight."

"Dragon got three, he's last. Roman?"

"Can I see the dragon?"

"Not from that angle. You can move through allies, though."

"Meh, I'll just start inspiring courage."

"Alright. Adam?"

"Can Soverliss see—"

"Same wall, actually."

"Mm. And if I move here and away, that'll provoke an attack of opportunity?"

"Yup."

"But if I move into the doorway..."

"He'd have cover, but you could javelin him."

"I will do so. Seventeen."

"He hasn't acted yet, so he's flat-footed, so that hits."

"Ten damage."

"The spear goes through the dragon's foreleg, leaving it hanging by a single strand of flesh."

"Did you remember that I'm inspiring courage?"

"Oh. Eighteen and eleven, then."

"Noted. Merc?"

"I'll move here and hit it with my kama. Twenty."

"Roll to—"

"Not natural. Five damage."

"Hermes cuts off the dragon's other forelimb, and it collapses, unconscious."

"Hey Adam, any problem skinning this little critter, or getting its venom?"

"Neither I nor Soverliss would have a problem with that."

"Great."

"Ahem? Another hundred XP each."

"Cool," Roman said. "Loo—?"

"Not so fast," Cinder said. "They get a hundred XP, and for what?"

"You don't get more XP for bad rolls," Emerald said, "and they don't get less for good ones."

"It's not fair! They do almost nothing and get as much experience as when I almost died! _Again!_ "

"Um..." Roman cleared his throat. "Ah, loot?"

"Right. Fifteen hundred silver, two thousand copper, and one dead pseudodragon."

"That's two-fifty silver and, oh, three-fifty copper for each of us, and seven-fifty silver and nine-fifty copper for the stash. And since I know you're going to go for the furthest right door, that's this one, which leads into a little alcove with what looks like the ancient, tarnished remains of a silver bedframe. The bedframe itself is too old, tarnished, and broken to be worth anything to anyone, but there is an everburning torch in a sconce over the rubble, and twenty-five archaic gold pieces."

"Any chance of coin collectors?" Mercury asked.

"Not that you're likely to find."

"Shoot. Well, five gold for each of us, ten and the torch in the stash."

"And that's another thing," Cinder said. "They're getting way more treasure than us. More treasure _and_ more XP? It's not—"

"Neo, can you just heal Cinder?"

Neo shrugged, glanced at Cinder, and smiled.

"...What, do you want a bribe?" Neo's smile widened. "I'll...you work for me, I shouldn't need to bribe you!"

"Rule four, don't piss off the medic," Mercury said.

"Rule four?" Roman asked.

"Something from our old gaming group," Emerald said. "Don't piss off the DM, don't piss off the gods, don't piss off the king—"

"Are all of them about people who you shouldn't piss off?" Roman asked.

"The first dozen were," said Mercury. "We're breaking number thirteen right now."

"Don't talk about the List?" Cinder guessed.

"No," Emerald said, "but that would have been a good first rule. No, number thirteen is—"

"You never split the party!" Mercury sang. "Clerics in the back keep those fighters hale and—"

" _Thank you_ , Mercury. The point is, don't piss off the guy healing you."

"But she isn't," Cinder pointed out.

"Because you pissed her off," Roman said. "Not that tricky to understand."

"Fine," Cinder said. "Neo, what...what do...what do you want?"

Neo took a crumpled half-sheet of paper, the one which Emerald initially mistook for her character's backstory, and handed it to Cinder.

"You want...ice cream? I can take you out for ice cream after the game."

Neo gestured all around the table.

"...You want me to take _all_ of you out for ice cream?"

Neo nodded.

"...Fine. But none of you can order the most expensive thing on the menu just to piss me off."

"What about the _second_ -most-expensive thing?" Mercury asked.

Cinder glared at Mercury.

"Don't piss Cinder off," Emerald said.

"That should be one of your rules," Roman said.

"Maybe if we ever game with the old Mystral gang," Emerald said. "I think one of them went to Sanctum, but Magnolia and Hyde are probably still poor petty thieves."

"Or worse," Mercury said, "they got a decent office job."

Emerald shuddered. "That's not a fate I'd wish on anyone...anyways, back to the game."

Neo nodded, crossed off Bane from her spell list and rolled a d8.

"You're back in the game, Cinder. Want to break camp and chase the scouts?"

"You'd better believe it."


	5. Cleric's coming back

I thought it would be a good idea to actually write out all the rules on the list mentioned in the last chapter. I've written somewhere between one and two hundred, I think. Combined with various meatspace duties and activities, this has significantly hampered the writing of this fanfic and the editing of another.

Still, I've got a chapter.

* * *

Emerald sat down. "Sorry I'm late, too much soda. Cinder, Neo, ready to go into the crypt?"

"We are," Cinder said.

"Great. You remember what I said the front looked like?"

"Yes," Cinder said.

"So I don't have to read the description again."

"No, thank Dust. We'll turn right when we get to the first juncture."

"Right. The hallway divides in two."

"We take the left way.

"It turns right, and ends in a door."

"I open it."

"It's stuck, roll Strength."

"That's almost as low as my Constitution. Neo, you'll help me." Neo nodded.

"Wait," Mercury said, "your Strength is _higher_ than your Constitution?"

"Only because of the damn snake venom. Eighteen, minus one, plus two for Neo?"

"She'd need to roll, but you rolled plenty high enough on your own."

"Then I didn't have Neo help."

"You said you did, so you did. Inside is a room about three dozen feet by fifty. There are a number of upright ceramic statues of what seem to be warriors armed and armored in an archaic fashion. A few have been broken open, revealing that they are hollow and full of dust and rust. In one corner, the statues have been completely removed, replaced with a pile of branches and leaves that looks like it's been slept on. A brief examination of the pile reveals fifty copper pieces, and in the corner is a fine, heavy steel shield."

"Excellent," Cinder said.

"Shield goes in the stash, you get twenty-five coppers apiece," Mercury said.

"The shield is masterwork," Emerald said.

"I know. You said it was well-made."

"Well-made doesn't necessarily mean masterwork!"

"No reason to mention if it wasn't."

"Doors?" Cinder asked.

"You came from the northmost of two in the west wall. There are two more in the east side of the southern wall, and one to the north."

"We'll go through the northern door."

"Before I forget, marching order?"

"Neo first."

"Right. After a couple of twists and several dusty alcoves, the corridor ends. The floor is covered with a fungus resembling a cross between grass and flowerless roses."

"Ugh. Let's go to the...eastmost southern door, then."

"The hallway continues straight for almost fifty feet, with niches in the walls. About fifteen feet down the hall, on the right side, is a door."

"Something's not right...I search for hidden doors."

"You don't find any."

"Neo opens the door, then breaks it down when it turns out to be stuck."

"It's actually not stuck. The door slides straight down, revealing a fifteen-by-thirty-five-foot room with a single large, plain stone box in the middle. In the middle are a trio of coffin-sized stone-and-metal boxes, shoved together to form a table. Several more similar boxes have been shoved to the edges of the room; some have various objects on them, others bedding materials. Around the improvised table are three worked chunks of stone being used as stools, and on them are three orcs, who draw their weapons—a greataxe, a falchion, and a javelin. Roll for initiative."

"You could have mentioned the orcs first," Cinder muttered. "I got four, Neo got twenty."

"Neo can roll for herself," Mercury pointed out."

"Natural one again? Sorry your bad luck is continuing. The orcs have twenty, ten, and twenty. Neo, roll again."

"Eighteen."

"Orcs got two and seventeen. So it's Neo, orc three, orc two, orc one, and Cinder."

"Neo will charge this one with her mace! Fourteen—sixteen, charging."

"That more than hits. Roll damage."

"Nine!"

"The mace connects solidly with the orc's chest. It falls over the table. Now orc three gets a turn. He backs up and throws a javelin at Neo. Nineteen."

"That hits."

"Six damage."

"That leaves her with two hit points."

"So it does. And now Greataxe Guy is going to attack. Natural one...and didn't confirm fumble, but it still misses, instead cutting a gouge in the stone table. Cinder?"

"I'll go _here_ and cast burning hands!"

"It's kinda a waste of a spell to use an area-of-effect on one guy..."

"I don't have any other attack spells, though."

"Kinda stupid to only prepare one, then."

"...Explain."

"You only prepared it once, so you can only cast it once before you prepare spells again. Basically, once per day."

"...I did not know that."

"That's why you didn't get a backup weapon," Mercury said. "I thought it was just RP."

"I...I..."

"Quarterstaves are free, you have one," Emerald said. " _Burning hands_ or striking stick?"

"...I'll hit this one with the quarterstaff," Cinder said, moving her doll-miniature next to the orc miniature, before rolling the d20. "Fourteen, so thirteen."

"Just hits."

"Three damage."

Your staff cracks the orc over the head. It looks pissed. Neo?"

"She'll hit that one with her mace. Fifteen, and six damage."

"A strike to the knee brings that orc down. And that leaves the javelin-thrower, who will throw a javelin at Neo. ...Natural one again. And thirteen is a confirmed fumble. The javelin sticks to the orc's fingers and strikes the stone table. It flexes and leaps a bit into the air. The orc is unharmed, but startled, losing its next action. Cinder?"

"I jump up onto the table, jump off it, and smash it with the staff!"

"Roll."

"...Five. Four."

"You stumble on your way down, and don't quite manage to recover enough for a steady strike. Neo?"

"Will do the same. Eleven."

"The orc just dodges that one. He turns and opens the door, provoking attacks of opportunity."

"I got a thirteen again! ...Zero damage."

"Minimum of one. And Neo?"

"Ten."

"Neo's mace glances off a stud in the orc's armor, but Cinder manages to jab the orc in the side. It opens the door...to find the others. Cinder gets one more action, then the round ends and those three can come in."

"I bash it over the head with my quarterstaff! Twelve!"

"You bring it down on the orc's shoulder. The quarterstaff flexes and reverberates painfully in your hands, but doesn't seem to affect the orc at all. Initiative?"

"Seventeen," Mercury said.

Roman groaned. "Three."

Adam muttered, "Twenty-four."

"You go first."

"Mm. Soverliss draws a sword and charges the orc."

"He looks surprised and scared. Roll."

"Eleven."

"The orc brings up an arm and blocks the blade with his bracer. The blade briefly sticks in the bracer's wood. Neo?"

"She'll use the mace. Eight."

"That misses. The orc, a ranged fighter nearly surrounded by enemies with melee weapons, lashes out at Adam with a javelin intended for ranged combat. A nine misses you, Adam?"

"Yes."

"Merc?"

"Just a quick shuriken. Eleven."

"The shuriken sticks in the leather of the orc's armor. Cinder's turn."

"I bash—"

"Roll."

"Nine."

"The orc blocks your staff with his javelin. Roman?"

"He's still alive, I'll be. Well, time to shoot the orc. Nineteen."

"That's a hit. Roll."

"Six damage."

"The orc takes an arrow to the back while blocking the staff, and falls over. Now...the XP is tricky. ...I'll say that those three split one-sixth of it, since they contributed maybe about half to one-third of the orcs, while the rest is split evenly between Cinder and Neo. Sound fair?"

No one disagreed. "That's thirty-four each to the scouts and two-fifty for the casters."

"I have more XP than you, Adam," Cinder gloated. He shrugged.

"One point," Roman said. "That's about equivalent to a couple rounding errors."

"Treasure. Three sets of orc-smelling studded leather armor, five javelins, a falchion, a greataxe, two hundred gold."

"Excellent," Roman said, steepling his fingers.

Mercury pondered numbers. "The leathers go for what, twenty-five each?"

"If you're buying."

"Right, and the weapons...the axe is twenty, but what about the falcon?"

"Falchion. It's a big scimitar, worth...seventy-five gold to an adventurer."

"Anyone want any of that?" Silence. "'Swhat I thought. Accounting for orc-smell, the gear's about half overall, not counting the javelins, so putting it and three javelins to the stash while Neo and Cinder get a hundred gold and a javelin each balances that well. And Cinder's actually proficient with those."

"Indeed? Well...I think that's a kill to Roman, two to Neo, and, generously, two assists to Cinder."

"Plus a free bonus to party cohesion," Mercury said. "What do you say, Neo? Healing spells, maybe a quick trip back to camp to rest overnight?"

Neo nodded.

"Sounds like a plan," Roman said.

Adam said, "We've actually learned something."

"Fine," Cinder said.

"It'll let you prepare spells better," Emerald pointed out.

"Mm."

The younger woman smiled. "Great! Which door do you take out?"

"The one we came in by," Mercury said.

"And which is that?"

"Um...this one," Mercury said. "I've been kinda keeping track of a sorta-map in my head, so if we head out the archway you mentioned in that room, we'll be going the right direction."

"Correct. By the way, marching order?"

"...Hm...me point, then Adam, Cinder, Roman, Neo?" No one disagreed.

"Great. Shame you don't have a rogue. Make a will save, Merc."

"Natural twenty."

"As you cross the midway point of the room, a dark light flashes at you. It's a magical trap, _inflict light wounds_ , dealing...two damage."

"Mm. Not ideal. Well...we could go around, but traps usually only spring once."

"Then let's follow," Roman said.

"You're all good with that?" Emerald asked. Everyone nodded. "Make a Will save, Adam."

"Oh, almost forgot, except for magical traps. Those usually have automatic reset." Neo kicked Mercury under the table.

"Eleven," Adam growled. Mercury kicked Neo under the table.

"Just made it. Two damage for you, too." Mercury and Neo continued kicking one another.

"I had one hit point."

"Then, Merc, you stabilizing him?"

"Yup."

"You'll be good. The others might want to walk around."

"...Let's do that," Roman said.

"Right, let's make this easy. You come to the room you were in before that, and realize that the archway from that room was the way to the room the others were in."

"No more party-splitting," Mercury said with a smile. "Ow!"

"Right. This marching order will be complicated by needing to have a couple people carry Adam."

"Naturally, the strongest character was Adam's," Mercury said with a sigh.

"Soverliss," Adam said.

"You and Neo are next," Roman pointed out. "Thirteen each."

"Yup. We're also the best people to have in front and back. Both of the others have full HP, though. Roman in front, Cinder in back?" No arguments. "I'll go in front of Neo. Carrying Adam's head, if it matters."

"Right. Which way?"

"Out the door, of course."

"Right, that probably means you get outside. Let's skip to back at the camp. You've used one zero and one first-level spell, Neo?" She nodded. "That leaves you should have one or two cure-lights—did you choose that as your domain spell?" Neo nodded. "—and two minors. Who gets what?"

"Adam has high hit points and is unconscious," Mercury said. "He gets a light?"

Neo nodded, then pointed at herself.

"Roll," Emerald said.

"Three hit points for Adam," Roman said, "and five for Neo. Poor rolls."

"You'll heal one hit point overnight," Mercury said. "Who's missing more than that?"

Mercury, Adam, and Neo raised their hands.

"Let's see...you and me both have seven, Neo, so let's give both to Adam. He'll need them most, being a front-line fighter." Neo hesitated, then nodded. She kicked Mercury again.

"Stop that!" Mercury said, kicking back. "We'll rest."

"Time for a break," Emerald said, "so the kids can calm the _hell_ down, and so I can talk spells with the casters."


	6. The Flaming Half-Elf

I've decided to try not always forcing the die rolls into dialogue. Let me know what you think.

* * *

"Left," Roman said.

"Straight," Cinder replied.

"There's a branch we haven't explored down the left," Roman said.

"Probably just the same room," Mercury said.

Cinder grinned. "Exactly. And there's a branch we haven't explored down the way forward."

"It probably leads to the orc room," Roman said.

"The numbers support that," Mercury added.

"And if you're wrong?"

Adam, Neo, and Emerald watched silently, with their initial amusement fading to irritation and contempt. Emerald had enough.

"This is going nowhere. Adam, Neo, _Mercury_ , pick a side."

"Cinder has a point," Adam said.

Neo shrugged, characteristically apathetic.

Mercury grinned. "When in doubt, go with the boss."

" _Thank you._ Having finally made the difficult moral choice of _which explored hallway to go down_ , you go down it. And when you reach the fork..."

"We turn left," Cinder said.

"Actually, I think going right might be—ow!" Mercury glared at Neo.

"That one was me, actually," Emerald said. "You're just being contrary."

"...I _might_ not be."

"Does anyone have a reason for going right?" No one answered. "Sounds like you're going left. You come to another fork. You see a door at the end of the hallway."

"Let's investigate the fork," Roman said. No one argued.

"It twists back on itself, before ending in a little memorial, with a few pictures depicting what looks like some female priest going through life. There are captions and other words in an archaic dialect of Common, but time, mold, and graffiti have rendered it completely illegible rather than just largely incomprehensible."

"Is there any evidence of a coffin?" Roman asked.

"Make a Search check, everyone."

Roman got a twelve, Cinder a twenty-two, Mercury a nine, Adam another twenty-two, and Neo a four.

"Cinder and Adam, you notice that the floor seems to have been reshaped by magic. The person in question was probably entombed by a _stone shape_ spell or comparable magic."

"...That's it?" Roman asked.

"That's it."

"Damn. Well, onto the door?" No one argued.

"Soverliss will open the door."

"It opens. It's the orc room."

"Told ya," Mercury said.

"We know what's through most of the doors," Cinder said, "but not the east door. Shall we examine it?"

"Soverliss will open that door."

"It's stuck."

"Soverliss will kick the door open. Twenty-one."

"It's stuck tighter than most of the doors, but poses no match for the elf's great strength."

"That just sounds wrong," Mercury mused.

"Hm?"

"'The elf's great strength.'"

"Are you saying elves can't be strong?" Adam asked.

"Nah, just that they're usually not."

"...Mm."

"Anyways, there's a corridor going two ways. To the north is a door, probably the other one from the clay-statue room. To the south is a dead end."

"We should search the hallway," Cinder said. "There's no way there's just a random corridor in here." The others murmured assent.

"Right, let's see some die rolls. Merc, ooh, natural twenty. Cinder, five. Neo, seven."

"You're not adding our Search modifiers," Mercury said suspiciously.

"Roman five, and Adam three. Can I see your character sheets?" She looked them over, then rolled a die behind her screen. "Merc hears someone in the other room. He's trying to be stealthy, and doing a below-average job of it."

"I alert the others."

"Right." Emerald randomly placed the group's miniatures (in a sense—only two of them, Adam and Mercury, had actual miniatures) in the hallway.

"Hey—"

"You were searching. That doesn't mean you stayed in marching order. Roll initiative."

Mercury got eleven, Roman rolled twenty-one, Adam thirteen, Cinder eight, and Neo eighteen.

"Roman? Your move."

"I'll head out the door to see where he is."

Emerald put a miniature of an elven duelist on the battlemap. The miniature had a small shard of orange plastic taped over its sword.

"What?"

"Flaming sword," Mercury said.

"Not quite. This half-elf has assorted metal bits embedded in his face and left forearm, while his right forearm is replaced or covered by some kind of magical contraption with a blade of flame licking out the end. On the side of said arm are a few crossbow bolts, loosely held in place. He's wearing a robe over some chainmail."

"That...is something we're selling to the baron," Mercury said.

"Perhaps. But first, you'll have to stop him. He shouts a cry of rage at Roman when he sees him."

"His character, you mean?" Adam asked.

"Cry of rage? That's about normal," Mercury said. "And no, I don't mean for the character."

"We know," Roman said. "I'll move here, next to the door, so I'm way out of reach. Then I'll shoot him. Ten."

"The arrow sticks in his robe. Neo's move."

She moved her miniature six squares to the door and looked over her spells. She tapped the spot where _command_ was listed.

"Right, that's a Will save...which he makes, so nothing. Adam?"

"Soverliss will move to...he will move here, to block off the man's escape. 'Look at what the elven scum has been reduced to.'"

"He looks at your ears funny. Merc?"

"I'm close enough that I can move here and flank. Eat nunchuck, half-elf _bitch!_ "

"Roll."

"Eleven plus one, plus two for flanking. Fourteen."

"Just hits. Damage?"

"Five."

"Your silly stick bonks him in the head, and he takes an action. Specifically, attacking you with his fire. And it's a touch attack. ...Which he rolls a two on. He whiffs it, bad. Cinder?"

"I will move here, and throw my javelin at the fool. Five."

"The javelin flies up in an arc which looks like it'll at least land in the right general area...before hitting the ceiling. Whoops. And back to Roman."

"Don't want to shoot into melee, so I'll move over here and bash him. Seven."

"He blocks it with his actual hand. Neo?"

She slid her miniature opposite Roman's and rolled a twenty-sided die. She pumped a fist in the air when it came up a natural twenty.

"That's...roll to confirm."

She rolled a seventeen, plus one.

"That's quite...roll damage."

Two eight-sided dice read six twice.

"And with your Strength bonus doubled, that's fourteen damage. He's at negative nine hit points. Neo smashed some metal bit on his right arm, which ruptured something else, causing steam to vent from points along his arm and shoulder, before he collapses, screaming in pain."

"Kill for Neo?" Roman guessed.

"Yes. Though if you act quickly, he might survive. Surely you're interested in learning a bit about his magic item?"

"Nah," Mercury said. "We've got a mage. I'll take it off."

"It's firmly attached."

"...Neo, save him."

She nodded and crossed a _guidance_ off of her character sheet.

"He's stable. Now what do you do with him?"

"Someone has rope, right?" Mercury asked.

"I do," Adam said. "I'll tie him up."

"Do you have Use Rope?"

"No."

"What's your Dex?"

"Nineteen."

"Alright." Emerald rolled behind her screen. "He's tied up. Now what?"

"I have a mule," Roman said. "We could stick him on it."

"A mule?" Mercury asked. "One that could carry, say, an unconscious elf as well as an unconscious half-elf?"

"I forgot about it, okay?"

"Fine. Let's tie him to Betsy."

"Betsy is more of a cow name," Roman said.

"Or a donkey, maybe," Adam said.

"Doesn't sound like a donkey name to me," Roman said.

"I know what's going to come out of your mouth," Emerald said, "and if you actually say it, I'm giving Adam permission to punch you in your stupid face."

"...That is all."

"Right, let's move on. Are you leaving Betsy outside the dungeon, in this room, or bringing her with?"

"Wait, are mules even Medium?" Mercury asked.

"One moment...No, but they can still squeeze down the corridors. I'm gonna need Betsy's place in marching order if you're bringing her."

"Behind Cinder, in front of me?" Roman suggested.

"Why not in front of Cinder and behind me?" Mercury asked. "More people to keep an eye on the pyro."

"Sensible," Adam said.

"...I agree," Cinder said reluctantly.

Emerald nodded. "That's a majority. Now I need to find a mule mini." After a few minutes of scrounging, she found a strange, black-and-yellow, equine miniature and placed it between Mercury's monk miniature and Cinder's doll.

"What the hell is that?" Cinder asked.

"A werehorse, splattered with yellow paint."

"Why is it—"

"Long story," Mercury said. "Good story, but long."

"Good?" Emerald asked. "According to some, maybe.

"Hey, didn't that adventure make it on the list?"

"Are you thinking of one-twenty, or one-twenty-one?"

"I'll bite," Roman said. "What are those?"

"Don't mix art projects with gaming, and lycans don't appreciate jokes about their time of month."

"I was actually thinking of one-twenty-two," Mercury said.

"Technically, that one applied a lot," Emerald said.

"What's—"

"Moving along," Mercury said.

"Alright," Emerald said. "You see the south door open."

"We'll go through it," Cinder said. No one argued.

"It's the pseudodragon room. This room's south door is open, too."

"We'll go through it," Cinder repeated.

"It's a larger room, maybe thirty feet wide and almost twice as long. It's full of all sorts of unusual devices and machines—"

"You don't say," Mercury did say.

"They're all heavy, most attached to the ground, wall, or ceiling, and if you tried to detach them you'd probably break them instead."

"Aw."

"And there's a—wait, you defeated him. And I—one hundred thirty XP each, plus another ten for capturing him. Care to look around for anything valuable?"

"Hell yeah," Mercury said.

"You find a glass wand."

"Like NetHack?" Roman asked.

"What's NetHack?" Mercury asked.

"It's an old video game about getting the Amulet of Enarg, if you can get that deep in the dungeon. I played it a lot as a kid."

"Wait, there were video games when you were a kid?"

Roman sighed. "Why do I put up with him?"

"Why do I put up with you?" Adam asked.

"Touche. What skill to identify it?"

"Spellcraft, I think, and you need to cast _detect magic_ , too."

"I have Spellcraft," Cinder said.

"Did you decide to prepare _detect magic_?"

"...Yes."

"Alright. Roll."

"Eighteen plus nine."

"Minus five since Illusion's a prohibited school for you, but you succeed. It's a wand of _invisibility_."

"While I've got it on, I'll look for other magic in the room. And identify the fire thing."

"Nothing in the room is magical." Emerald smiled. "And neither is the half-elf's fire blade."


	7. Lost Fight and Lost Light

For the first roll in this chapter, I broke my "roll everything" rule. I didn't for the doors (which I'm rolling randomly); it's just that the really low rolls the gang's been getting so far have been replaced with really high ones.

* * *

"Not magical?" Mercury asked.

"So, we're not getting our bonus from it," Roman said.

"Hold on, how is it not magical?"

"Could just be Dust," Adam pointed out. "Dust isn't magic."

"There _is_ no Dust in Greyhawk!"

"This is Greyhawk?" Emerald asked. "Still, Merc's right. There's no Dust."

"So how is it not magical?"

"Make a Knowledge (arcana) roll."

Cinder rolled. "Twenty-four."

"You don't have a fucking clue. Who has ranks in Common Sense?"

"I get it," Mercury said, "we need to ask the NPC. Well, there's time for that later. What's the way out of the room?"

"There's another door in the north wall, one in the east, and one to the south."

"The south one's farthest to the right," Roman said. "Might as well choose it." No one argued.

"It's another maze of twisty little passages, all alike."

"Damn," Mercury said. "Follow the right wall?"

"That's our rule of thumb," Roman said. "It's worked well so far."

"Right. After...five, six, seven dead ends, mostly short ones with a coffin or a couple—"

"Empty?"

"No, there's the dust from centuries-old bodies and such in them. After that, you come across a door to the right."

"Soverliss will open it," Adam said.

"It's locked."

"Who's got the Open Lock skill?" Mercury asked. There was no response. "Dust dammit. Roman, take a level of rogue."

"Why me?"

"I literally can't multiclass. Neo and Adam—"

"Soverliss."

"—are primary casters, they can't lose a level of spellcasting. And that leaves you and Adam, and something tells me that Drizzel Da'Cloen isn't interested in breaking his character build."

"...Do you mean Soverliss?"

"I was trying for the stealth gig," Roman said. "And...well, rogues find traps, too?"

"Yep. Until then, who has the best Improvise Lockpick skill?" Silence. "Strength score."

"Soverliss," Adam said.

"Right, good thing you're point."

"Fourteen."

"Not enough. Soverliss slams into the door, but it holds steady."

"Why are the doors all locked or stuck?" Roman asked. "Seems like an inconvenience to anyone living here."

"It's a crypt," Adam said. "Things are...expected to not work so well anymore."

Mercury frowned. "Wait a second, if the crypt's old enough that all the bodies and such are dust and even metal things crumbled, why are the doors still fine?"

Emerald opened her mouth a few times before saying, "They're darkwood. Resistant to decay."

"So, a wizard did it?" Roman asked.

"Druid, I think. Isn't darkwood worth, like, five gold per pound?"

"No, it's..." Emerald opened the Dungeon Master's Guide and flipped to the back. "...ten."

"And we're allowed anything we find in the crypt..." Roman smiled. "I like this plan. How much do doors weigh?"

Emerald groaned and put her face in her hands.

"I dunno...twenty pounds, maybe? Hey, Neo, you brought your Scroll, right? Can you look this up? We could be rich!"

Neo frowned.

"In the game."

Neo nodded, then took out her Scroll and began a search.

"Do you even have any _tools_ for taking doors off of their hinges?"

"Sunder the hinges," Mercury said. "Adam does seven to sixteen damage with his sword, and I don't think you're going to say the hinges are adamantine just to stop us. Not your style, especially when adamantine's worth so much."

"Just... _argh!_ I miss the old gang. It's like I've got two Mercuries now."

"That's a problem?" Mercury asked.

"Soverliss kicks the door down," Adam said. "...Natural one."

"Right. You bounce off the door and run into Mercury. Next."

"I'll help him this time," Mercury said. "Fifteen."

"With his help, I rolled a fifteen as well," Adam said.

"The two of you losers finally break down the door. It's a room full of tables and chairs improvised from stone pieces that probably used to be coffins and caskets. It's bigger than the workshop. You came in at the southeastern corner, there's an iron door in the northwestern corner and another iron one in the east wall. Choose."

"Um...east?"

"Right. Locked."

"...Yeah, don't think Soviet Lass can break that one," Mercury said.

"You're not even trying," Adam grumbled.

"North door?"

"Stuck."

"Now you're just being petty," Mercury said.

"Says it's stuck in my notes."

"Right, right. Let's go on," Roman said. "Right wall? Right wall."

"You reach a dead end and turn around. One dead end later, there's an iron door on the right. Locked."

"That's it," Roman said. "Open Lock's a skill you can do untrained, right?"

"Yup," Mercury said. "Dex."

"And Adam and Cinder have the highest Dexterities. So get to it."

"You do not give orders, Roman," Cinder said coolly. She paused. "Adam, unlock the door. I'll help. Twenty to help."

"Twenty before help," Adam said.

"You unlock the door...but trigger a trap. A rock rolls out of the wall..." Emerald rolled. "...and hits Cinder. Four damage."

"Some puny rock," Mercury said.

"I'm at one hit point!"

"A real boulder worthy of rolling out at you would have squashed you flat."

"Right, room?" Roman asked.

"You see what might have once been a facsimile of an opulent throne room, all done in exquisite stone sculpture. An empty stone throne sits at the end of a stone carpet, surrounded by silent stone guards. On the walls—"

"Monsters?" Mercury asked. "Treasure?"

"None you can see."

"Ghosts?" Roman guessed.

"Or stone golems," Mercury said.

"Or ghost golems?" Cinder asked.

Mercury and Emerald stared at Cinder.

"...Right. Nothing to see here."

 _Editor's note: The group continued on and discovered nothing else in that corner of the dungeon. Returning to the lab, they went through the last door to a bedroom. Two skeletons fell out of the ceiling. Cinder won initiative and cast_ burning hands _on them and Mercury. The skeletons made their saves, Mercury didn't. Neo turned the skeletons, and Adam cut both of them in half...but not before Roman's arrow and Cinder's javelin (which was thrown into melee without taking the penalty to make sure it didn't hit an ally) discovered that skeletons take less damage from non-bludgeoning weapons. Quips were made, action was had, and XP was distributed._

 _Then I tried to save it and FF.n didn't. So you get this instead._

"Right," Roman said, "now to loot the room."

"It's on fire."

"...Damn. Any spells that might help?"

"I cast acid splash on the fire!" Cinder said.

"A little bit of the fire is doused. The stuff that was burning dissolves a little."

"I cast it again!"

"The fire is still raging."

"That's it. Adam, you've got a lot of hit points, grab the tapestry!"

He paused, then said "Life is more important than cloth."

"Neo has a spell to fix a little fire damage. She doesn't have a spell to replace expensive tapestries! Hurry!"

"...Fine. Soverliss will do so."

"Take...six fire damage. Soverliss grabs the tapestry and runs. The fire is spreading out of the bedroom."

"Run!" Mercury said. "We're in a lab of some kind!"

The others looked around.

"We run," Cinder said.

"Yeah," Roman said. "Know when to fold 'em."

"Which way?"

"North."

Emerald smiled, then rolled a d20. "Oh. That sucks for you. The laboratory begins burning, and hissing. You're in the pseudodragon room. Two doors left, one ahead, an arch to the right."

"Arch!" Cinder barked.

"You're about a third of the way up a long, narrow room with a very high ceiling and smooth walls."

"No monsters?" Mercury asked.

"No treasure?" Roman asked.

"No coffins?" Adam asked.

"No, no, and no. Just the sounds of hissing behind you, and a couple of archways in the other wall. One just the other side of the middle, the other at the far end."

"Run for the far end," Cinder said.

"You couldn't have asked for a worse time to come into this room," Emerald said. "Everyone make a DC 15 Reflex save, Betsy included."

"Damn, fourteen," Mercury said.

"Seventeen," Adam said.

"I got _eight_ een," Cinder said, "and Neo got seventeen."

"Twenty-one for me. Betsy rolled a twelve, though," Roman said.

"Luckily, she has plus four," Emerald said. "Everyone except the monk notices the floor starting to shift beneath their feet. The floor is on a pivot, tilting with your weight. With Merc running forward, it's started to tilt that way." Emerald grinned. "And then the explosion comes, blowing the floor up more."

"Well...fuck," Roman said. "The floor's broken?"

"Well, no. Just tilted a lot more. Maybe forty-five, sixty degrees?"

"No way a mule can stand like that," Adam said. "Most likely, we'll all be knocked down the slope enough to cause it to tilt more, and more..."

"...Damn," Emerald said. "Um, DC 15 Balance checks."

"Don't forget armor check penalties," Mercury said. "I got none. Seventeen, unless I get a penalty for having not noticed."

"Nine," Cinder said.

"Twelve," grumbled Adam.

"I got thirteen," Roman said. "Betsy rolled a nineteen."

Neo pointed to her d20. Fourteen.

"Well...crap. You're all tumbling down the floor."

Mercury groaned. "Great, what's under this room?"

"I don't know, I didn't expect you to fuck up this badly..."

* * *

 _And neither did I._


	8. Dialogues and Diplomats

"Hey, Em," Mercury said. "The others sent me to ask if you've figured out what's going on."

"More or less. You guys really fucked up, you know."

"I know, I know. Blame Cinder, she cast the damn _burning hands_."

"It's more the dice. Maybe if some of you had rolled well, you could have figured something else. If I hadn't rolled one round until it exploded, you would have had time to figure it out before getting knocked over." Emerald sighed. "Well, at least you cleaned out about half the dungeon before blowing part of it up. And the part blown up was roughly in the middle of that."

"But the enemy's going to notice. I mean, they heard us blow up some fungus spores, they'll hear us blowing up a lab full of Kord-knows-what."

"Why Kord?"

"Hermes's patron deity."

"...Kord is Chaotic Good. Monks are lawful."

"Alignment ain't a problem if you aren't a cleric."

"...Right. Get the others."

"On it."

* * *

"You've figured it out?" Cinder asked.

"It was tricky," Emerald said. "I didn't want to delay the adventure too much, and I didn't want to kill you all."

"That tends to delay things a lot," Mercury said.

" _But_ , if I don't penalize you when bad things happen, they aren't bad. So you fall about seventy feet, but land on soft flora of some kind. Anyone have darkvision?"

"Three humans, an elf, and a half-elf," Mercury said. "And a mule and an unconscious prisoner."

"Right. Anyways, everyone takes 1d6 damage from falling."

"I have two hit points now," Roman said.

"So does Soverliss."

"I have _one!_ " Cinder said.

"I'm at _negative_ two," Mercury said. "I'd have two if someone hadn't set me on fire...although if it wasn't for that, we wouldn't be here, now would we?"

Cinder grumbled. "I'll cast light on...the tapestry."

"The tapestry is now shedding light on everything nearby. You are in a cavern. About twenty feet up is the ceiling, with a large rectangular hole cut out and the pivoting floor above that."

"Neo's conscious?" Roman asked. She nodded. "And your character is, too?" Neo nodded again.

"We planned this," Cinder said. "Neo's waking the prisoner up, converting her last first-level spell." Neo nodded a third time before crossing _magic weapon_ off of her spell list. She rolled a d8.

"Two," Emerald said. "He's still at negative three."

"The dice just hate us tonight," Roman muttered. "Well, it wasn't that important of a thing. We just need to find a way out on our own, I guess. What've we got for spells?"

"I have charm person and another burning _—"_

 _"No!"_ Roman and Mercury shouted at the same time.

"Fine. Neo has guidance and detect magic, or she can swap them for one-point heals. Roman?"

"I can cast _detect magic, read magic, mage hand,_ and _lullaby_ , but only two total."

"Great. I don't suppose the ranger or monk have any useful tricks?"

"The monk's unconscious."

"...And we used our good healing spell on the prisoner," Roman said.

"I think we'll be making camp," Cinder said.

"Your camp is on the surface," Emerald said. "You won't have any tents, bedrolls, or whatnot."

Roman frowned. "...Damn. We really screwed ourselves."

"There's one thing that might help," Mercury said. "Adam has a pretty good Survival skill, right?"

"Soverliss has plus six," Adam said.

"Great. With a plus one from Neo casting _guidance_ and some Aid Another bonuses, we might be able to pull off decent navigation."

"...As good a plan as any," Adam said.

"It works," Cinder said. "Let's do it. Thirteen plus one, I'm aiding him. Neo...definitely is."

"I rolled like crap," Roman said.

"I'm unconscious," Mercury said. "So that's plus five from the casters, including the _guidance_ , on top of Adam's plus-six. Roll, Emerald?"

She did. "Adam begins leading you a direction that he thinks leads to a cave entrance. You're putting Merc on Betsy?"

"If we can," Roman said.

"Right. After about half an hour, you encounter..." Emerald rolled. "...seven kobolds."

"What are kobolds?" Cinder asked.

"Lizardmen," Roman said.

"Technically dragon-men," Mercury said. "Some myths say that they were literally made when some great dragon bled, and his drops of blood turned into kobolds. Anyways, they're weaker than goblins...but we're weaker than normal."

"I say 'Hello, little draconic friends,'" said Roman.

"What language?" Emerald asked.

"Um...Common?"

"They look at you funny. You don't think they understood."

"How do you learn languages?"

"You start with one or two for your race," Mercury said. "You get a bonus language for every point of Intelligence bonus, and can spend skill points to learn more."

"What languages do humans get?"

"Common."

"...Hm. And I get three more."

"Maybe some of the more exotic tongues," Mercury said. "Draconic, for instance. Sometimes, it's thought of as the tongue of magic. Or some of the elemental or outsider-ey tongues."

"Definitely Draconic, then," Cinder said. "What speaks it?"

"...Dragons."

"Oh. I knew that. It's obvious. What would elves speak?"

"Elven. Maybe Sylvan."

"I'll take both of those," Cinder said. "And I'll try talking to the kobolds in all of them."

"They respond to Draconic," Emerald said. "What do you want to say?"

"'We don't want to hurt you,'" Cinder said. "'Do you know the way to the surface?'"

"The kobolds look at you suspiciously. 'What will you give us for it?'"

"'Your lives, if we must.'"

"The kobolds stiffen. One laughs."

"Aaand this is where I step in," Roman said.

"Just like real life," Mercury said.

"Can I do a Diplomacy check through Cinder?" Roman asked.

"Sure. You'll take a minus two penalty, though."

"Worth a shot. Nine plus twelve minus two is nineteen."

"What're you saying, what do you want?"

"I'm trying to convince them that we really do mean no harm, and that they should help us to the surface," Roman said. "I'll offer them some food if they do."

Emerald opened the Player's Handbook and flipped to the rules for Diplomacy. "Hm...they're indifferent now. They're open to negotiation, but your offer really isn't enough."

"Could I try improving their attitude again?" Roman asked.

"...I guess, but at a minus five penalty."

"I'll help," Cinder said. "Ah, eight. No I won't."

"Soverliss knows about natural herbs," Adam said. "His knowledge could provide them an additional incentive, possibly enough to count as an aiding roll?"

"...Sure," Emerald said.

"Nineteen. I add plus two."

"Right," Roman said. "Eleven, plus twelve, minus two, minus five, plus two, is seventeen."

"...The kobolds are friendly and take you up on your offer." Emerald paused. "Okay, not bad. A hundred XP all around, one-fifty for Roman, ten bonus to Adam for thinking creatively, ten to Merc for tricking Cinder into getting Draconic but minus fifteen for blatant metagaming, and no more Diplomacy until I've made it not..."

"Broken?" Mercury said.

"Exactly."

"We're out of the caves?" Cinder asked.

"By nightfall, sure. The kobolds share a dinner with you, then leave."

"Let's rest for the night," Roman said, "and maybe the next day, too."

"Not a bad idea," Emerald said.

"Should we skip to the next morning?" Cinder asked.

"First, Neo should use her spells," Roman said. "Adam's got one hit point and he's the ranger. He needs hit points."

"Fair," Cinder said. "But then we skip."

"Yup," Emerald said. "Everyone with spells decide what spells might be useful for your down day."

"Obscuring mist," Cinder said. "It should help keep us hidden."

"Doesn't it cover like twenty feet for a minute?" Mercury said. "And couldn't people see us by the big cloud of mist?"

"Oh," Cinder said. "...Three charm persons, then. And Neo can just convert all her spells to heals."

"Sounds like a plan," Emerald said. "And how will she distribute them?"

"Mercury and Adam need a cure light each," Cinder said, "and I—"

"—haven't lost that many hit points," Roman said. "So those two, and maybe one on the prisoner, then we'll see where we are."

"Right," Mercury said.

The cures were rolled, taking Adam to full hit points and then some but not quite healing Mercury all the way.

"What're we going to do today, other than rest?" Mercury asked. "And we probably should rest. That's two free hit points each."

"I could turn the snake skin or the pseudodragon hide into something," Adam said.

"We could interrogate the prisoner?" Roman suggested. "I'd need to make Diplomacy checks, though."

"...I'll allow it," Emerald said, "but not to stop future encounters."

"Deal," Roman said. "Now, first, we'll need to heal the guy. I suggest Neo's last light wounds. Then we'll be aiding me on the Diplomacy check. He should speak Common or Elven or both, and I speak both. No penalty. Everyone fine with this plan?" Everyone silently assented.

"Five minus—I'm not aiding," Cinder said.

"Just like real life," Mercury said.

"Neo? Kick him." Neo rolled her d20, then obliged.

"That's one," Roman said. "Merc?"

"Natural twenty."

"And Adam?"

"Ten exactly."

"Which leaves my roll, at plus six. Five plus twelve plus six is twenty-three."

"You wake him up. After a few minutes of idle conversation, he doesn't seem to want to kill you. You learn that his name is Galchius, and that he works for Grinnel. Not much else."

"I ask him what the thing on his hand is," Roman said. "Twelve plus twelve is twenty-four."

"Oh, that's easy. Galchius grins." Emerald switches to a cracking, slightly lower voice. "'It's a flameblade,' he says. 'A device which creates a blade of flame."

"'We saw,' says Soverliss," said Adam. "'How does it work?'"

"'I don't entirely know. The knowledge was a gift from the Galchutt."

"'The what?'" Roman asked.

"'The Galchutt,' he repeats."

"'And what are those?'" Cinder said.

"'I don't really know...and if I did, I probably wouldn't tell you.' He's still unfriendly, remember."

"Mm," Roman breathed. "'I'm sorry to hear this. Incidentally, if Grinnel were to...die, would you consider another employer?"

"Make a Diplomacy check," Emerald said.

"Twenty-eight," Roman said.

"So he's not pissed off at you, and since you rolled so very well, he's not a hundred percent against the idea. 'And why would he be dead?'"

"'Things happen, especially when you're stealing so much silver from Wolfcreek.'"

"'True. A few questions, thought.'"

"'Shoot.'"

"'What's with the elf?' he asks, nodding at Soverliss."

"'What about him?'"

"'"Elven scum" ring any bells?' he asks."

"'Ah, that. Long story, truthfully not one I listened that much to. He doesn't like elves.'"

"'I gathered. Isn't that backwards?'"

"'Good one.'"

"'Thanks. And...have you seen my familiar?'"

"I'm gonna make sure the pseudodragon corpse is well-hidden," Mercury said.

"'Familiar?' I thought he was a fighter or something?" Roman asked.

"Apparently not. 'Draven, the pseudodragon. I was planning to upgrade him.'"

"'Upgrade?'"

"Grinnel holds his arm up."

"The fiery one?"

"Yup. 'Speaking of which, I think I'll need to fix this. I think you broke something.'"

"'We healed you.'"

"'Your cleric's magic probably wasn't accounting for my upgrades. They rarely do.'"

"'I see,'" Roman said. "'On a definitely not unrelated note, how hard would it be to make a new lab?'"

"Galchius sighs. 'What the hell did you laymen do to my laboratory?"

"'Well...' What's your character's name, Cinder?"

"Lilith."

"'Lily over here accidentally set it on fire fighting some skeletons.'"

"'What were you doing in my room?'"

"'Long story. That thing goes off too easily, by the way. Not important, there was an explosion.'"

"Diplomacy."

"Twenty-five."

"'I'd imagine it exploded! Do you have any idea what I've got in there?'"

"''Fraid I don't.'"

"He sighs. 'Some of it was volatile.'"

"'I knew that much.'"

"'Then why the _hells_ did you think it was a good idea to use fire spells in there?'"

"'Ask her.'"

Cinder shifted uncomfortably. "'Technically, we were still in the bedroom.'"

"'And she hit me,'" Mercury said. "'We don't like her much.' That should make him think more of us."

"Clever. 'Why do you work with a maniac like that?'"

"'Technically, they work _for_ me,'" Cinder said. Four palms struck four faces as Emerald tried to suppress giggles. "Okay, what's wrong?"

"I'll whisper to Galk, 'It's safer to leave her to her delusions. Then we can point her where we want more easily. It's not a perfect system, mind...'"

"Galchius sighs. 'None is. You should see my "assistant"...'"

Roman said, "'I know how you could get a better deal,' I'll say."

"Oh?"

"'We're working for a baron who's paying through the nose for any unusual magic items. I'm thinking he knew you were there, or at least heard of your work. Just think about what he'd be willing to do to get someone to make it, on demand.'"

"Emerald's smiling," Mercury said. "That's bad."

Emerald continued to smile. "Roll Diplomacy."

"Natural twenty. Thirty-two."

"Galchius smiles. 'I'll work with you. Any chance of doing this without killing Grinnel?'"

"'I don't think so.'"

"'Well, some sacrifices have to be made. I'll see if I can't help.'"

"'A map would be a good place to start.'"


	9. Exposition and Obliviousness

"What have we learned?" Cinder asked.

Roman and Mercury were both taking notes on the conversation between Ros and Galchius, which had been combined into one big list of what they knew and what they guessed.

Mercury started with, "Galchius served Grinnel, but through the power of broken skills, he's working with us."

"Grinnel seems to serve something called The Galchutt," Roman added. "We don't know who that is."

"The Galchutt gives some kind of knowledge to people, letting them make super-tech things, like Galch's flameblade. So he's probably an alien."

"Grin still has seven orcs in his home, if the explosion didn't kill them. They're commanded by some guy named Gruk, who has Galchutt's blessing, whatever that means. He's not bright, but he's loyal, and a nasty fighter."

"Emerald likes naming people things that start with G."

"There's a few goblins, working the kitchens, and a nest of snakes."

"And whatever vermin's around they don't know about. And traps, don't forget the traps."

"One of the rooms just off the pivot-room has a bunch of treasure. Speaking of that place, it resets after it's been stationary for a minute and triggers when you cross the middle."

"You mostly get around it by going across one at a time, without much weight, or by larger parties carefully balancing weights. And they hate whoever built that room."

"He'll be willing to work for us, under whoever gets knighted, if we pay for his lab and help him experiment freely. He says it'll be a bare minimum of two thousand gold, but eleven grand would be better. We might save some from his old lab, if we're lucky."

"If we don't pay up, he'll be a bit pissed at us and work for the Baron. Maybe we could buy some stuff from him."

"Probably not."

"Probably. Emerald's smile is still unexplained and a bit worrisome. It's possible some of this is a trap."

"Probable."

"Probably. We also have a map and an idea of Grinnel's greater plans. He wants to take over the area, including the silver mine and mint, and make an enormous hoard of silver coins. Galchius says he'll probably have different plans once he grows up."

"Gal's got some magic to back up his sword, though not much."

"Probably a duskblade or hexblade or homebrewblade or something."

"Yeah. Not that it matters that much, since he won't fight with us."

"And that's about it."

"Well...I'd say we're done for the day," Cinder said. "We'll rest, recover, and return tomorrow."

"Sounds good," Emerald said. "Anything else?"

"The usual," Roman said. "Arrows, watches, that stuff."

"Right. And you head down to the dungeon the next morning?"

"With Galctacus and Bessie at camp," Cinder said.

"Galchius and Betsy," Adam corrected.

"Alrighty then." Emerald smiled, and rolled a die. "Adam, what's your flat-footed AC?"

"Soverliss's is twelve, why?"

"Because that's low enough for the javelin to catch you in the shoulder. Four damage."

"I knew the smile was bad," Mercury grumbled.

"Wait, wait, _wait_ ," Roman said. "Where are we?"

"The entrance tunnel."

"Did someone set up a trap since last night?" Roman asked.

"Not impossible," Mercury said. "Kobolds are master trapsmiths, it could be that Grinnel got them to do some freelance work for him."

"Those traitors!" Cinder said. "I knew we should have killed them then."

"We had like three guys up," Mercury said. "There were seven of them. They would have won."

"Nonsense. We're adventurers, they're less than goblins."

Meanwhile, Emerald rolled dice. "Which, sadly, you hear."

"What?"

"One goblin rolled badly enough on his Move Silently roll that basically all of you hear him trip and curse."

"All but Cinder?" Mercury asked.

"...Sure, why not. Anyways—"

"Goblins _and_ traps," Roman mumbled. "This keeps getting worse."

"The javelin was a small one," Emerald said.

"Naturally," Adam said. "What other kind would kobolds have? They're pretty little."

"Right, it's probably single-shot," Mercury said, "so it's probably safe to go past. Unless they set up more traps. But there's—wait, why can't we see the goblins?"

"Your everburning torch only provides light for forty feet," Emerald said. "They must be further away." Emerald silently hoped none of them remembered that half the party had low-light vision.

"Damn," Roman said. "So if we want to see them, let alone hit them, we need to run through the traps...unless we throw the torch down the hallway! Which might trigger the traps, come to think of it."

"Or have Cinder cast it on something, and throw that," Mercury said.

"Excellent idea," Cinder said.

"Took ya long enough."

"Just roll initiative," Emerald said.

"Sixteen," Adam grumbled. "There's something we're missing."

"The damn orc!" Roman exclaimed. "He has some kind of gift...what if he's trying to trick us to stay back with a _fake_ trap, so we're in one place for the real one!"

"Thirteen," Mercury said.

"Oh, right. Nineteen, Neo's got fourteen."

"I have twelve and doubts," Cinder said. "That's overthinking it, Roman. Could the orc be distorting our perceptions? Perhaps. But that doesn't seem like their style. In any case, if he isn't..."

"...we have to deal with the traps," Adam said.

"The goblins rolled crap," Emerald said. "Roman?"

"I can wait, right?"

"Delay or ready."

"I'll ready an action to shoot any goblin I see."

"Fair. Adam?"

"...I will throw the torch down the hallway."

"How far?"

"As far as I can."

"...Well, most thrown weapons have range increments of ten, and you can throw things five range increments, so that's fifty feet. Want to reconsider?"

"Sounds fair."

"Alright," Emerald said with a sigh. "You throw your _only source of light_ down the hallway, farther than its light radius."

"Now they can't see us," Cinder said. "Brilliant."

"Goblins have darkvision," Mercury said.

"...Damn."

"You see three goblins. Roman, roll."

"Seventeen."

"Hits. Damage?"

"Four."

"The front goblin takes an arrow to the shoulder. The one in back runs. Neo?"

She shrugged and grabbed some chips.

"Throw a javelin?" Cinder suggested.

Neo nodded and rolled a d20.

"Three isn't going to come _near_ hitting," Emerald said. "Not with the bonuses a first-level character has."

"You can build Pun-Pun level one if you try," Mercury pointed out.

"But none of us did. And it's your turn."

"Hm...he's _almost_ in a double move. I'll move here and throw a shuriken. Ooh, eighteen!"

"That hits."

"Two damage."

"The goblin takes the shard of metal in the eye and falls. Cinder?"

"Acid splash the next goblin. Attack roll thirteen."

"Success."

"One damage."

"Fail. He charges Merc with a spikey little club. Twelve, misses?"

"Yup."

"Merc lifts his leg at the right moment. Roman?"

"Shooting. Seven."

"Three, you're shooting into melee. The arrow pings off into the distance. It's Adam's turn."

"Soverliss can't reach the other side of the goblin," Adam said. "Instead, he will throw a javelin. Six."

"You try hard enough to not his Merc that you don't hit anything. Neo?"

She shrugged.

"...You only had the one javelin. Merc?"

"Flurry of blows. Five and eleven."

"Blows is right. Cinder?"

"Javelin. Twelve."

"Miss, regardless of who you ended up hitting. Goblin. He misses Merc. Roman's turn."

"Another miss. Adam?"

"Ready an action to step forward and strike when I back off," Mercury said. "I can't do much."

"...Soverliss will do so."

"And I'll move here..."

"...and Soverliss will move here and strike," Adam said. "Thirteen."

"The goblin sees this coming and steps backwards, ruining the strike."

"I have an action. A shuriken action. Sixteen."

"Hit."

"Max damage! Three."

"Ouch! The goblin is fine. Do the casters want to do anything?"

"Move closer," Cinder said. "And I'll pick up the torch."

"Fine. Goblin swings...two natural ones in a row...and a fumble is all he does. The goblin backs up while swinging upwards and loses his balance, falling prone. Roman?"

"Shooting. Ah, natural two."

"Soverliss will strike. Twenty-one to hit?"

"Hits."

"Nine damage."

"He's disarmed."

"I tried to harm him."

"You did. He's disarmed."

"Minus an arm," Mercury said. "And down?"

"Very. That's a kill for Adam, an assist for Cinder, and both for Merc."

"Adam's almost caught up to Neo, by my count," Mercury said. "Though no one beats Cinder for assists."

Cinder tried to stifle a growl.

"And that's forty XP each. Minus five, because you didn't catch what was going on."

"What?" Mercury asked.

"They aren't an encounter. They're an alarm."

* * *

 _Sorry for the short chapter, I had a busy day today._


	10. C'est la D&D

"Let's loot the bodies," Roman said.

Emerald raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Is this _really_ the best time, Roman?" Cinder asked.

"Of course. They're not going to attack us in the hallway. They have half a dozen orcs, at least one goblin, and some snakes."

"And a dragon," Mercury said.

"Right. Their biggest advantage is numbers—"

"And a dragon," Cinder said.

"The dragon's their boss. If we were attacked, right now, would you rush for the front lines? Because that's the only place there's going to be if they attack us here. Room for one guy to attack at a time, maybe with a few javelins thrown in for flavor. No, they're ambushing us in one of the big rooms. So we loot the bodies, heal Adam—"

"Soverliss," Adam, Mercury, and Cinder said at the same time.

"—and then zap everyone with the invisibility wand before seeing if we can't ambush _them_."

"None of us have Use Magic Device," Mercury said, "and none of us can cast _invisibility_."

"I have ranks in Use Magic Device," Cinder said. "Four of them."

"Oh." Mercury smiled. "...We might be able to pull that off, yeah. Sounds fun. What's the loot?"

"Seven javelins, and two each of morningstars, light shields, and leather armors. All Small."

"Alright, Cinder, start spamming UMD."

"One roll per person?"

"Yup."

"Eighteen. Eighteen. Twelve. Twenty-three. And eighteen again."

"That's one success."

"...Damn."

"Right, so Ros's invisible," Mercury said. "She should scout ahead."

"Aye, she'll do so."

"Right. Make a Listen check."

"Nineteen."

"Right. Most of them are in the room to the left, but there's a little noise from the one in front of you."

"I'll sneak into that one."

"Don't need a Hide roll, but Move Silently is important."

"Sixteen."

"Ooh..."

"Yeah, I see..."

"What?" Cinder asked.

Roman said, "The guy there rolled a nineteen."

"You're heard, aren't you?"

Emerald chuckled. "Oh, hell yeah. It's a goblin, at the fork in the corridor, looking around confused and scared."

"Can I attack while invisible?"

"Once."

"Hm...I'll get behind it and slit its throat."

"Him," Adam corrected. "Or possibly her."

"Right, make a Dexterity roll to get behind the goblin before turns around."

"Eleven."

"Fifteen."

"Damn."

"The goblin swings out wildly with his morningstar and cries for help."

"Double damn."

"Right, what're you doing?"

"Running...walking quickly down the corridor. Away from Gobbo."

"Right. Remember, the invisibility only lasts three minutes. You've got maybe one and a half left."

"Mm."

"You duck around the corner."

 _Dear readers: Another section got eaten by FF.n. I really need to stop doing all my work in the document editor. I tried to summarize what happened, but it loses a bit of detail and whatnot._

"Roll initiative." Initiative was rolled. "Merc, you're first."

"I'll charge this orc. Seventeen."

"Hit."

"Six damage."

"The orc takes a foot to the gut and collapses. Orcs next. This one takes a step forward and swings its falchion...and Mercury dodges. These two are throwing javelins...a zero and a hit. Four damage. Cinder?"

"I'll move here and charm this javelining orc."

"Twelve, he failed his saving throw. Adam?"

"Soverliss will move here—"

"Leave a space for Neo, she might need to heal me."

"—here, then, and throw a javelin at this orc."

"Miss. Neo?"

Neo frowned at the board and her character sheet. She moved her "miniature" between Adam's and Mercury's before staring.

"Is that all?" Emerald asked.

Neo shook her head.

"You can talk," Roman said. "I know you have this 'silent badass' thing, but we're among friends. You can drop it."

"Namifnd." Neo crossed her arms.

"What was that?" Emerald asked.

"Yr namfnds."

"Speak up, don't mumble," Cinder ordered.

"I said you're _not_ my friends!" Neo shouted.

"Sorry," Roman said. "She's cranky, I don't think she likes the game much."

"Mhm." Neo nodded.

"Can we finish this combat, at least?" Emerald said. "Please?"

Neo sighed and nodded. "Command." She pointed to the non-charmed orc with javelins. "Flee. Or suicide."

"Suicide isn't a valid command. And the orc fails his save. Back to Merc."

"Right, flurrying on the orc. One, not natural, and eleven."

"Two misses. And the orcs go. Falchion-man...hits and cuts Merc's chest open for the minimum, six damage."

"And I'm down."

"Mm. This greataxe guy moves forward to hit Neo. And misses. This one moves behind him, this one runs, and this one tries to figure out why he wanted to kill his friends. Cinder?"

"Mm...I can't attack without breaking the charm, can I?"

"Not the one you charmed, but the others, sure."

"Good. I'll throw a javelin at this guy."

"Minus four for throwing into melee."

"This guy. Natural one."

"Throwing into melee indeed. Neo takes...three damage from being backstabbed. Adam?"

"Soverliss will ready an action to step forward and attack the orc if Neo's character moves backwards."

"Neo?"

"Sounds good." She swapped her miniature and Adam's.

"Twenty-two."

"Hits."

"Sixteen."

"Adam, your Strength-and-a-half is enough to knock the orc unconscious. Snicker-snack. Neo, anything else?"

"Javelin." She tapped the orc miniature Cinder tried to do the same to. "I hate you," she said to the natural one she rolled.

"Neo, stop taking after Cinder," Mercury said. "And that means in the game, too."

Neo grinned.

"Right, let's say the javelin deals damage to itself, because shooting your friend in the back is only funny so many times. And two...that's less than wood's hardness. Neo throws the javelin poorly. It strikes the stone at an odd angle, bends, and springs back. Mercury?"

"Stabilize low. Oh-two, I'm good!"

"Nice. Orcs. This one with a greataxe tries his luck against Adam...miss. Javelin here comes back. Javelin here is charmed. Falchion here steps up. Cinder?"

"Um...acid splash the one here? Twenty-two to hit."

"More than makes it."

"Two damage."

"Not bad, but not great. The orc gets acided in the chest and screams in pain. Adam?"

"Soverliss will strike the orc with his sword. Fifteen to hit."

"Hits."

"Nine damage."

"This orc gets a sword buried in its guts. Neo?"

Neo moved her miniature to where Mercury's character was.

Mercury said, "Before you cast a spell..that incurs attacks of opportunity."

Neo frowned and moved her miniature back. She stared at the board for a moment, then shrugged.

"Right. Turns out, the runner brought a friend."

"Fuck, the dragon," Mercury said.

"Sadly, you don't have a chance to make half-dragons, because it's...mostly an orc. But it's a big one, with big, red, pupilless eyes. And claws, and a scimitar in one hand and a battleaxe in the other. And he rolled well on initiative. For instance, he touches the charmed orc and casts a spell. He must not be charmed anymore, because he's angry and throwing a spear at Cinder."

"Damn," Cinder said.

"And misses, with a three."

"Good."

"The other orc javelins Neo...fifteen, does that hit?" Neo shook her head. "It bounces off of her mail. And the greataxe guy...natural twenty. And another natural twenty. And eleven plus four, does that..."

"Soverliss's AC is sixteen."

"Oh thank Dust. Well, instead you 'only' take triple damage. Eight, three, one, that's twelve plus another twelve for Strength...twenty-four damage."

"Soverliss is at negative seventeen hit points."

"Wow, that...is bad luck. The orc chops Soverliss's torso apart, nearly in half."

"..."

"Um, I guess..."

"I'll find something to do," Adam said, before stalking off.

"...This is bad," Mercury said. "but, um...Soverliss's final kill count is six. With one assist."

"Anyways," Emerald said, "then Cinder."

"I'll step forward and use my quarterstaff. Eleven."

"You hit the orc in the head. Sadly, you missed every vital area. Adam is dead—"

"I'm alive!" he shouted back. "Soverliss is dead!"

"—right, so we've got Neo. Neo?"

"Mace, but..." She pointed to Cinder's miniature. "Light Mercury."

"I'm up! Kind of," Mercury said. "But I'm awake. And on the ground below Cinder's character..."

"You'd better not look up her dress," Cinder growled.

"Well, I _hadn't_ thought of that, but now that you—"

"Knock it off, children," Roman said. "Neo's had a turn, so it's Monster McGee's go."

"Right," Emerald said. "He sheathes his weapons and draws two javelins, which takes his whole turn. The axeman—"

"Oh, fuck," Cinder said.

"—got a thirteen. Your AC?"

"...Thirteen," Cinder admitted.

"Hits, for five damage. Lucky, you got the minimum."

"Still at negative one."

"Not every day I have chicks fall on me," Mercury commented.

"The javeliners are throwing at Neo. Fifteen and four."

"Sixteen," Neo reminded her.

"Right, both miss. Then there's this guy, who...decides to grab a javelin lying on the ground and throw it at you. Three."

"Miss," Neo said.

"Yep. Oh, forgot Merc. Merc?"

"I'll get up—"

"Attack of opportunity and all?"

"Yup."

"Fourteen."

"AC fifteen," Mercury said.

"Great. You're up."

"And I punch the orc. Ten."

"You bruise your fist on a stud of his armor. Cinder?"

"Unconscious."

"Roll percentile."

"Thirty."

"Lose one hit point."

"Fuck."

"Neo?"

" _I_ don't think she's Cinder's type," Mercury said.

"Ha ha," Roman said. "Don't quit your day job."

"He works with you," Emerald said.

"In that case, do quit it." Roman high-fived Emerald.

Neo rolled a d8. "Ten for Cinder."

"She's up, sort of. And now it's the honcho's turn. Two javelins for the healer. Sixteen and natural one adjusted to _negative_ one. This orc goes down, and Neo takes seven damage."

Neo held up a fist.

"You're at zero hit points?" Emerald asked.

"Either that or Tinny's stuck down the well," Mercury said. Neo kicked him. Mercury kicked back.

"And Mercury?"

"A flurry of blows. Two and nine. Damn."

"The orc hits back. ...Natural fucking twenty. Twelve to confirm."

"Just a hit."

"Twelve damage."

"I'm at negative five."

"The javeliners throw at Neo. Natural twenty, confirmed, and...another natural twenty..."

Everyone stared at Emerald.

"That spells TPK, I think," Mercury said.

"TPK?" Cinder asked.

"Total Party Kill."

"Roman," Neo said.

"Oh," Roman said. "Great, I have to take on a small orc army _and_ their creepy leader, by myself."

* * *

 _Author's Note: What the hell, dice? Why don't you roll this well when I'm playing an actual game?_


	11. Dice and Dawns

"Just you and me," Roman said.

"And Neo," Emerald pointed out.

"And Neo. But mostly you and me."

"Yup. You're at a door."

"I enter the door."

"The room is empty, and skinny. There's an archway to the east and one to the south."

"I think I know where I am...south."

"You can go right or forward. Which turns left quickly."

"Forward."

"There's a branch in the path ahead. Left is a door, right is a corridor that turns away."

"Left."

"A similar room, arch west, door southeast."

"Southeast."

"It's the pseudodragon room. There are two doors south, one of which looks rather damaged, plus one to the north, one just south of the one you entered, and one to the east."

"I remember that one well. I'll go through it."

"East?"

"East."

"Very well. It's the pivot room alright."

"I'll be running across."

"Make a Balance check."

"...Natural one."

"Which is?"

"Three. Pretty sure that's a failure."

"It is. You fall down on the increasingly sloped stone floor. Make a Climb check to hang on."

"...Six."

"...You fall. Again."

"You know, this isn't what I was imagining happening."

"Same. And same with that last fight, too."

"Yeesh. That was too many twenties."

"I know. The die never rolls that well when I'm playing...anyways. You're in the dark, dark cave. Take three falling damage."

"Ouch. Well...do I remember the way out?"

"More or less."

"Great, I'll go there."

 _clatter_

"Nothing's ever easy."

"Nope. Spot check?"

"Twenty-three."

 _clatter_

"Um...you don't see anything. Listen?"

"Wait, isn't it really dark?"

"True. Listen?"

"Twelve."

"Hm...you hear a snake."

"Damn. Can I cast _mage hand_ on it?"

"Roll initiative."

"Six. No, I can't."

Emerald sighed. "No, you can't. One snake attacks you. Seven, misses?"

" _One_ snake?"

"One was quiet. The quiet one...twenty. Ten to confirm?"

"Not confirmed."

"Ah, good. One damage, and make a Fortitude save."

"Oh, right, that. Eleven. Why did it have to be snakes?"

"Eleven actually makes it. They're the weakest kind of snake. Your go."

"Do I know where they are well enough to attack?"

"Sure."

"Eat mace, quiet snake. ...Two."

"Yeah, no. The first snake— _another fucking twenty?_ Ahem. Does a seventeen confirm?"

"...Yes."

"Damn. Take two damage—"

"—which puts me into the negatives—"

"—and...damn. Okay, now it's a TPK."

"Do all adventures go like this?"

"Not usually, no. Not mine, at least. ...I'll go get the others, get their opinion on the game."

* * *

"First off, Em, _I want that d20_ ," Mercury said.

"Not for free," Emerald said. "But what else?"

"Brng," Neo muttered.

"Does it always go like this?" Adam asked. "Everyone dying?"

"The enemies got several critical hits. No, that usually doesn't happen." Emerald sighed. "Such is life. The dice giveth and the dice taketh away."

"Mm."

"It's too complicated," Cinder said.

"Oh, yes," Mercury said. "Don't dump the stat that gives you hit points. Don't set your friends on fire. Don't roll like crap. That's _so_ complicated."

"I—"

"If you had followed those rules—especially the last one—you would have been fine."

"I feel like Soverliss didn't really fit the adventure," Adam said.

Emerald sighed. "To be fair, that's because I rolled most everything, before I knew anything about any of your characters. If we do this again, I could talk with y'all about what kind of characters you were thinking about making and work with that."

"I'd like that."

" _I'd_ like if anyone respected my position as party leader," Cinder said.

"Then lead," Roman said. "I did the talking, Merc and I did the planning, Adam did the killing, Neo did the healing. You..." He shrugged.

"Fine. Maybe I _will_."

"Lroln," Neo mumbled.

"What was that?" Emerald asked.

"It's all rolling."

"Yeah...that's a problem with combat-heavy games. Any combat-heavy game, really."

"Lscmbt."

"Yeah, I can do that."

"I liked the combat," Adam said.

"That's because _you_ were hacking and slashing and killing everything," Cinder said. "The rest of us were struggling to deal any damage, and you were killing them with one swipe of your damn sword!"

" _Bastard_ sword."

"Whatever! If you weren't a god of combat, you wouldn't enjoy it so much."

Adam growled.

"You know," Mercury said, "you aren't doing faunus-kind any favors with all that bestial growling..."

Adam glowered at Mercury.

"That's more like it!"

"You haven't said much about the game, Merc."

"Oh? Well...it's nice to pick up the dice again. Nostalgic, good old fun. It would be a lot more fun if I felt like everyone was having fun, though."

"Why'd you make fun of everyone?" Adam asked.

"Pardon?"

"I would have had more fun if you didn't keep mocking me," Adam said.

"Not quite what I meant. You really got into the game, and I think Roman did, too—"

"To an extent," Roman said.

"—but Cinder kept getting frustrated, and Neo just didn't care. Emerald got frustrated, too, but she's the DM, so that's good."

"I was getting frustrated because you were all getting killed."

"Well, aside from that. I'm definitely up to a game, if everyone else is. Hell, I'd even DM if I had to."

"No," Emerald said. "Neo is DMing before you."

"Dnwn," Neo mumbled.

"Why not?" Roman asked. "I mean, why can't Mercury DM, not why doesn't Neo want to DM."

"He DMed once. Never again."

"...Right. Anyways, if Mercury's not DMing, would you be going again?"

"You seem to have a decent grip on the rules, so I wouldn't stop you if you wanted."

"Aha, no. Maybe after some more experience."

"Good answer. Anyways, would y'all be willing to game again?"

"You know my answer," Mercury said.

Cinder glared. "I'm not giving up."

"I am willing," Adam said.

"As am I," Roman said.

Neo looked at Roman.

"Look, just because I'm playing doesn't mean you have to come with. You really can stay home and play video games or something."

Neo shook her head.

"Is that no, I don't want to play D&D, or no, I don't want to be separated from Romey-poo?" Mercury asked.

Neo glared at Mercury, before nodding.

"Is that yes, no I don't want to play D&D, or yes, I don't not want to be separated from Roman?" Emerald asked.

Neo nodded.

"Neo, are you _trying_ to be annoying?" Cinder asked.

Neo paused, then nodded.

Roman sighed. "Neo..."

"Deend," Neo mumbled.

"D&D?" Roman asked. "You want to play Dungeons and Dragons?"

Neo nodded.

"Right, everyone's coming back. Now let's talk characters. What does everyone want to play?"

"A wizard, seeking ultimate arcane power," Cinder said.

"Probably another bard," Roman said, "though I might grab a rogue level first so we have a rogue. Probably another wandering half-elf of some variety."

"I think I will play…one of the so-called monstrous races, if I can." Adam said.

"There are rules for it," Emerald said.

Mercury smiled. "Drow, maybe?"

"What are drow?"

"Dark elves rejected by their surface cousins, and treated as if they were all pure evil by basically all surface races."

Adam smiled.

"And also too powerful to be first-level characters," Emerald said.

Adam frowned.

"Aren't there monster classes in some book for that?" Mercury asked.

"Savage Species, but only ones with racial hit dice."

"Monster classes?" Cinder asked.

"Ways to play certain more powerful races in games which start at a lower level than you can usually play them at," Emerald explained. "The gist is, you start as a less-powerful member of the race, and gain power as you level up. You can't dip a level or two in a monster class and then switch to a different class, though."

Cinder hummed in thoughtfulness.

"I'd be interested in looking at those options," Adam said.

"Probably won't be a healer, then," Mercury said. "I'm leaning towards druid, maybe cleric. Ooh, or maybe one of those sourcebook divine casters. But nah, druid. An exiled druid who…I dunno, tried to bring some actual technology to their treehouse."

"That would work," Emerald said with a smile.

"I don't like that smile."

"You never do," Roman observed.

"Only when we're gaming, man. Em smiling at me is great other times."

"Alright. We've got a wizard searching for power, a wandering thief and/or minstrel, a monster…why does your character adventure, Adam?"

"To prove his worth to the world. And himself."

"Three pretty easy motivations, I think. Merc?"

"I'm out to prove something, too. The old druidic traditions are holding us back. I'm gonna show them the value of technology…ideally by blowing them up with it."

"Revenge?"

"If I can."

"Great." Emerald smiled. "That leaves Neo."

She stared at Emerald.

"What kind of character do you want to play?"

"We've basically got everything," Mercury said. "You can just play whatever you want."

Neo frowned.

"Just start with this," Emerald said. "Why are you adventuring?"

Neo frowned some more, then mumbled, "Fnds."

"Funds?" Roman asked.

"Fiends?" Mercury guessed.

"Fends?" Cinder said.

Everyone stared at her.

"...It's pretty much the only word left."

" _Friends_ ," Neo said.

Emerald repressed a sigh. "Friends convinced you to adventure? You were following friends? You're finding friends? Avenging them?"

Neo held up three fingers.

"Ah...well, we can definitely do that. Good, good. Let's figure out how this band got together in the first place."

"Depending on why Neo needs friends," Roman said, "she could make a good match for Adam's character. Outcasts from society with no one but each other."

"Nice," Emerald said.

"Cinder could've introduced me to whatever it was that got me kicked out," Mercury said. "And hey, if Roman's playing a crook, he could have found himself with the friendless beasty-besties."

"Which breaks the party into two groups that need to meet somehow," Emerald said.

"Oh, that's easy," Mercury said.

"Oh?"

"We met in a tavern."


	12. INTERMISSION I

**Intermission**

* * *

" _We were skulking through this dungeon, a new and sorry lot._ "

"Mercury, why are you singing?"

" _Lilith, wizard, as ever had been acting like a sot._ "

"Hey!"

" _Neo had laryngitis and none of us knew how to fight/But we entered the dragon's dark tomb so one could be a knight._ "

"He does this sometimes. Ignore it, it'll go away."

" _Well, Soverliss, me, and Ros were itching for a fight—_ "

" _C'mere!_ "

"What was that?"

"Probably just the pipes."

" _So we went ahead to scout some and the casters sat tight./And that is when we heard it, the sound of rolling dice/And we wondered why we had ignored these words of sage advice.../Don't you know? You never split the party!_ "

"This sounds familiar."

"Merc was singing it a while back."

" _Neo in the back, keep the monk and ranger hearty,_ "

"Those aren't the words?"

"No."

" _The bard goes in the middle, where he can help us fight, and you_ don't _let that damn wizard out of sight..._ "

"Hey!"

"Is he done?"

" _So then they heard this warcry come from the woods all around._ "

"I guess not."

" _They spun around to see if there was aid that could be found./Then suddenly the forest floor was covered with goblins!/They fell back in a panic, feeling like a bunch of dims..._ "

"Isn't 'dim' an adjective?"

 _"Cinder soiled her_ spellbook—"

"Hey!"

"— _and_ _Neo was feelin' sick./The wizard got all flustered and hit one with her big_ stick."

"That's not how it went!"

"Right, you fell unconscious right after the fight started."

"..."

" _The_ _cleric swung her holy club, some goblin skulls to break;/We tried to dodge her backswing as we pondered our mistake.../Don't you know? You never split the party!_ "

"This again?"

" _Neo in the back, keep the monk and ranger hearty,_ "

"Yup."

" _The bard goes in the middle, where he can help us fight, and you_ don't _let that damn wizard out of sight..._ / _They ran to find the scouters, we were fighting skeletons._ "

"Mixing the timeline a bit, aren't we?"

" _We smashed the spinal columns, but they just kept swarming on!/Our wizard flung her burning hands; her fire made a strobe./The skeletons saved, but the fair monk roasted in his robe..._ "

"Get over it! That was..."

"Maybe two hours ago?"

"Two hours ago!"

" _The cleric had her hands full; apologies weren't said./Still, we swore that we would stick together and wouldn't go ahead./But then we sent that sneaky bard to scout much like before;_ "

"Not quite like before. There were more enemies around."

" _Got caught by several orcs and turned to prisoners or gore...Don't you know? You never split the party!_ "

"Yeah, we're done here."

 **-~0~-**

 _I intend to do a quick, humorous review/summary of each adventure, if only to make it easier to navigate between adventures._

 _And yes, there will be more. I won't let little details like every PC dying stop my plans!_


	13. Swamp Wars: Episode 2: A New Party

Once again, I'm giving you the character sheets. Add a few periods to docs google com/spreadsheets/d/1iqhn7YF88pWV5xq-cLQuSSLQN7YpmAufO8-g-iRggTg/edit?usp=sharing and you'll be good!

Adam's using the Troll monster class from Savage Species. If you're the type who cares, you can probably look it up.

* * *

"Everyone ready?" Emerald asked.

"I sure as hell am," Mercury said.

"As am I," Adam said.

"Ditto," Roman said, passing Cinder a bowl of chips.

"Thank you, Roman. I have come prepared."

Neo nodded, munching on a chocolate-covered ice cream bar.

"Right. Quick character review? I've been working a lot with each of you "

"First off," Mercury said, "what's with the button, Adam?"

Adam groaned. "I needed a little money. And unlike some people, I have standards."

"Apparently," Roman said, "they don't put you above selling looms."

"Not, it's—never mind. Just...characters. Let's do characters."

Mercury said, "I'm Artemis Green, exiled druid. A wizard showed him a stolen bit of exotic magitechnology stuff, and he decided to try and convince his circle that it was great. It wasn't, because the craft skill you had me take makes me subtract my Wisdom score—"

"It's not evil, Mercury," Emerald said with a sigh. "It's just unorthodox, against contemporary—"

"Right, right. It's still a bad sign. Anyways, he insisted too much and got kicked out. Accompanying him are his lupine animal companion Black Wind and a stray dog he named Drei. He's been wandering with the bitch wizard—"

"I'm right here."

"I never implied that you fit that description, only your character. Anyways, ever since then, he's been wandering with Delilah, picking up minor quests where they can."

Cinder glowered at Mercury before explaining her character. "Delilah was an apprentice wizard who took something belonging to the vassals of Grinnel the Green. She got thrown out to avoid pissing off the dragon, and ran into Arty. She took pity on him—"

"—and didn't think her little toad could beat up Black Wind—"

"—so they've been working together since."

"Gritte Nailo was a street urchin who aspired to be something more," Roman said. "He joined the thieves' guild at a young age, but stole from someone paying protection money. The Guild ratted him out, and he had to flee the city. He joined a young troll and a half-orc former soldier who were acting as bandits."

Adam took out a document slightly shorter than Soverliss's backstory. "Lagon's parents were killed by an errant adventurer. Lagon killed him in vengeance, while he was still weak. He worked in mines, kills a friend, fled to the wilderness, was sent to the circus, and after being freed fell to banditry with...Neo."

Neo nodded. "Haffork. Slums. Sljer. Dscmntd. Left. Lagn."

Adam sighed.

"It's more than she had last time," Emerald pointed out.

"Couldn't she at least give her character a name that isn't her name?"

"It's alright," Emerald said. "The three bandits and the two exiles are in a tiny town on the outskirts of the mighty Barony of Wolfcreek, which some say is a kingdom in all but name. The town is small enough that it doesn't have a baronet or a knight, just a lord-mayor who used to be a merchant. It's in a dry island in the middle of a muddy swamp, with Grinnel's lands to the east; needless to say, this scrap of land is a bit more independent from civilized lands. They don't care much what trouble you've stirred up elsewhere if you don't stir any up here."

"My kind of place," Roman said.

"We're all crooks here," Mercury pointed out. "It's all of our kind of place."

"Speak for yourself," Adam said.

"Those three are pretty well-known for being good thugs, and the two of you are presumably asking for work?"

"Naturally," Mercury said.

Cinder grunted in affirmation.

"Right. The thieves are at the general store, and after Gritte finishes bartering with the shopkeep, he says that Lord Mayor wants some ruffians to deal with ruffians. If you're quick about it, you'll be able to get the job before someone else gets it. It's probably paying more than you'd get spending the time banditing, too."

"Sounds like we should at least listen," Roman said.

"Especially since it's the adventure hook," Mercury said. "How're me and Cinder getting brought in?"

"Same way."

"Details?" Cinder asked.

"You're asking around for work?"

"Yup."

"Then you hear the same thing. Ruffians for ruffians."

"We are not ruffians," Cinder said.

"Is that in-character?"

"...Sure."

Mercury sighed. "Don't mind Delilah. She's...I don't know, actually. She's something."

"Hey!"

"Be nice to NPCs," Mercury said. "I know you have difficulty with that—even in real life—"

"Hey!"

"Especially in real life, I'd say," Adam grumbled.

"Hey!"

"Nice one," Mercury said.

"I'll try not to do it again."

"I'm not mocking you!" Mercury said. "For once."

"I know."

"So," Emerald said, cutting off that conversation. "You're going to respond to the Lord Mayor's mission then, too."

"Yes," Mercury said. "Where are we going for that? He's not just going to invite a bunch of 'ruffians' into his mansion, is he?"

"I suppose he wouldn't," Emerald said.

"You know what a nice, public building to have a representative meet us in would be?" Mercury asked.

Emerald sighed. "You're trying to get the group to meet in a tavern."

"That's a bit of an assumption! Although I was thinking 'tavern'..."

"Fine. You're in a big tavern, all five of you. There's a booth in back, you're all sitting on the one side. Across from you—"

"What order?" Mercury asked.

"Pardon?"

"What order are we sitting in."

"You—I don't know, I don't care, you can decide."

"I'll sit next to Roman's girl. She sounds cool."

"I'm playing a man this time," Roman said. "Neo's a girl, though." Neo nodded.

"Focus?" Emerald asked.

"Ah. Then I'll sit next to...Lagon? Trolls are cool, too." Adam grunted in approval.

"That's not—"

"But I'm not sitting next to Cinder," Mercury continued.

"And why not?" Cinder asked.

"I've known your character for a while, good to meet new people."

"...That's reasonable," Cinder said.

"And I've known you even longer, and—"

"For your sake and that of the game," Emerald said, "shut the hell up."

"In that case," Cinder said, "I won't sit next to you either! I'll sit next to Roman and Neo, then."

Emerald closed her eyes to hide her rolling of them. "Great, we've—"

"Wait, on which side?" Roman asked. "I'm not sitting next to a troll."

"We've been working together for months!" Adam said. "...And our characters have been, too."

"Everyone slips up, Soverliss," Mercury said.

"Adam," Adam said.

"Right. Nothing to be ashamed about."

"Unlike deliberately forcing the game to a halt to—"

"Woah woah woah, who said I was intentionally doing this?" Mercury asked.

"I don't care, stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"That's it." Emerald stood up and walked over to a Dust crate. She sat on it, took out her Scroll, and started flipping through apps. "I'm coming back when everyone's ready to play the game like mature adults."

The players at the table stared at each other.

"Dust damn it, Mercury," Cinder said.

Adam sighed. "It wasn't just his fault."

"That reminds me," Mercury said. "I brought the list!"

"What list?" Roman asked.

"Hold on, digging it out. The old list from when we were gaming in Mystral," Mercury explained. "Rule number one hundred twenty-two."

"...Huh," Roman said, reading the list. "Rule one-twenty-two, 'Dust dammit Mercury.'"

"We'd stopped taking the list seriously by that point," Emerald explained.

"...Why was Rule 69 left blank?" Cinder asked. Mercury sniggered.

"That's why," Emerald said.

"I don't get it," Cinder said. Mercury sniggered again. "...Ah. I think I get it now."

"Right," Roman said, "now that that's settled, who still cares about what order our characters are sitting in?"

No one answered.

"Good. Emerald, you can come back."

After a minute, Emerald did come back. "Right. Where were we?"

"We just slew the dragon," Mercury said.

"We were arguing over who sat where," Cinder said. "I don't remember anything else."

Neo sighed. "Dnt gt frthr."

"Right. You're sitting in a large tavern, in a large booth, across from two large guards with a small clerk in the middle. 'You're here for the job?' he asks."

"'Delilah and—'" Mercury started.

"I'll speak for us. ...What's your character's name?"

"Artemis."

"'Artemis and I are. I don't know about these idiots.'"

"Am I allowed to hit Cinder's character on the back of the head?" Roman asked.

"Sure," Emerald said. "Hit Cinder on the back of the head, too, for all I care."

Cinder glared at both Roman and Emerald. "One of these days, I will put my foot down."

"We're shaking," Mercury said.

"Remember what I did last time you acted like children?"

"That should be on the list," Roman said.

"I think it is," Emerald said.

"Nope," Mercury said. "One...fifty-six or sixty-five is not pretending to be children, but nothing about out-of-character conduct."

"Why do you know the rules so well?" Roman asked.

"He had to memorize them," Emerald said. "He was the most frequent offender."

"I believe that," Cinder muttered.

"We should add 'Don't be childish' as a rule," Emerald said. "How many are we on?"

"The last rule was #300, Don't make more rules to put on the list. The joke's gotten old'," Mercury said. "Three-oh-one is 'Don't piss off Cinder—'"

"Follow that one," Cinder said.

"—and three-oh-two is now 'Don't act like children.'"

"Follow that one," Emerald said. "That goes for all of you. Anyways, the clerk asks if you're here for the job."

"Delilah said we were," Mercury said, "then insulted the muscle. Which reminds me, Artemis facepalms. And Black Wind also looks unimpressed."

"Black Wind? You brought your wolf into the tavern?" Emerald asked.

"And Drei."

"...Well, make a couple Handle Animal rolls to make sure they behave."

"Sixteen plus four is twenty, two plus four is six."

"Noted. How do the bandits react to being called idiots?"

"Lagon says, 'Are you just saying that because I'm a troll, and she's a half-orc?'"

"'No, I'm saying it because you're all idiots.'"

"Lagon stands up."

"So does Artemis. 'Woah, big guy! Let's all calm down here. Delilah, apologize. You've never met them, how could you know they're idiots?'"

"'They're bandits,'" Cinder said. "'Bandits—'"

"How does Cinder know we were bandits?" Roman asked.

"She doesn't," Emerald said. "No metagaming."

"How was that not on the list?" Mercury asked, writing "Don't metagame" at the bottom of the list.

"...In that case, Delilah won't say that," Cinder said. "Or call them idiots."

"Right," Roman said. "Gritte's going to say, 'We heard there was a job and decided to listen to it. We won't make any commitments just yet.'"

"Lagon will nod in agreement," Adam said with a nod. Neo nodded as well.

"The clerk nods as well," Emerald said. "'There's a group causing trouble in this area. Some nearby villages under the Lord Mayor's protection are reporting missing persons cases. All of them are associated with a long, red triangular symbol, often drawn in blood. We don't know who's doing it, but we've managed to use magic to locate one of the victims. She's in the deep wilderness, presumably held prisoner by whoever kidnapped her and the others. We need you to find them, rescue any prisoners you can, and bring the kidnappers to justice if you can. Justice by the court...or by the sword.'"

"'By-the-sword is probably going to be easier,'" Roman said, "'but if we can...we might be able to bring them for court justice. For a bounty on top of whatever we're being paid base, of course."

"'We could provide a few gold pieces per head for the culprits,' the man says," Emerald said. "'Plus five each for the captives, and a hundred for information about who did it and why. Anything you take from the kidnappers is yours, though anything belonging to the captives must be returned to them.'"

"'Any idea what might be doing this,' I ask?" Mercury said.

"'Our first suspicion was that it was a local lizardfolk tribe...but they're too organized, too systematic.'"

"Lagon says, 'Lizardfolk can be organized and systematic.'"

"'Not like this, troll. It's...four victims are taken every thirteen days. The victims are taken, and sometimes some valuables, but never food or weapons or other things that lizardfolk raiders tend to take. And it's only one from a house, usually only one from any given village. Lizardfolk don't raid in patterns, and they take most anything they can, not just a couple people and their spare change.'" Emerald sighed. "'And the lizardfolk don't raid this quietly. If it was them, there would be more blood, more signs of struggle, not just long triangles."

"Lagon will glare at the clerk when he says lizardfolk don't know how to be subtle," Adam said.

"'It just doesn't fit with what we've seen 'em do in the past, is all.'"

"'If it's not lizardfolk,'" Roman asked, "'who is it?'"

Emerald replied, "'If we knew, we wouldn't offer a hundred gold for you to find out,' he says with a chuckle. 'That said, we've got a couple guesses. Could be a cult, they might do anything. Could be some new tribe. Lots of people have been settling the frontier, some don't like settlements, maybe some want this land for themselves. Could be a rival nation, hoping to scare us out.'"

"'Could you give us some equipment?'" Cinder asked. "'Maybe more manacles?'"

"Wait, more?" Mercury asked. "We have manacles?"

"I do," Cinder said, handing Mercury her character sheet.

"...Holy crap, did you buy one of everything in the PHB?"

"Of course not," Cinder replied. "I didn't have enough money."

"Ha ha. I see why you pressured Neo into buying that wagon instead of a shield…why do you have two chickens and three sheets of parchment?"

"Spare money, and it could be useful," Cinder said. "We can write on parchment, and chickens can provide eggs or meat. Or be sold."

"...Right," Mercury said. "Moving along."

"'We don't have anything to offer besides what we have,' he says," Emerald said, "'but there are probably others who are willing to provide assistance or rewards if you ask around. I even know of a few important people who've lost family to the kidnappers.'"

"'I think we're interested,'" Roman said. "'Unless my companions have an objection?'"

"Lagon is fine with it," Adam said.

Neo nodded in agreement.

"'We need to stop these kidnappings,'" Mercury said. "'I'm in. Especially for that pay.'"

"There's no chance of arcane knowledge," Cinder said. "Delilah isn't interested."

"Alright," Mercury said. "'There room for a druid in your band of merry outlaws, Gritte?'"

"Fine, I'll go," Cinder said with a sigh.

* * *

Crypts and Criminals now has more chapters than my long-dormant fic, Shards, which was my longest until now. Well, it's still got more words, I think, but that won't last long…

I've been a bit tardy with my updates. There are a number of reasons, but number one is named Guybrush Threepwood. It was a long voyage, sometimes tricky—especially before I figured out how to work verbs—but I had fun, saved the governor, and most importantly, learned never to pay more than $20 for a computer game or give someone my living ectoplasmic beard. And now I've actually got a chapter!


	14. Exposition, Nobles, and a Hungry Dog

"'Great,'" Mercury said. "'Who are some of these "others who are willing to provide assistance or rewards"'?"

"He gives you a list," Emerald said. "First one he mentions is Sir Lane, a knight whose heir was kidnapped. He reigns over a group of villages a bit to the west. The second is a small town to the north-northwest which is one of the biggest targets. It's pretty near where they think their base is. Third is a noble wizard in the northwest. He's mostly been cloistered with his immediate family, a few servants, and an apprentice for years, but one of the servants vanished. Finally, Earl Irys Rayne the Wise, one of the dragon's vassals, lost his daughter, Lucette Rayne. They was travelling through the area at the wrong time, and he's been staying at Wolf Creek's castle for a while now. Could be an incident between Grinnel and the Duke if she's not returned—both might be willing to lend some aid."

"How important is this Earl?" Mercury asked.

"Well, Earls are right underneath Grinnel himself," Emerald said, "and while earldoms usually aren't as big as typical duchies, they're not much less powerful. So pretty important. Earl Irys has a tin mine, too. That means he has plenty of bronze, and no shortage of artisans."

"Hm…" Mercury grinned.

"He also has a couple sons, so no, marrying her wouldn't make your son the Earl, even if you convinced Irys to it."

"Unless—"

Emerald sighed. "Yes, unless the sons met unfortunate ends which you would probably be discovered having caused, thereby invalidating your claim by way of guillotine. Or maybe noose. Anyways, speaking of which, the Earl and Sir Lane have representatives in town who you can bargain with; you'd have to go to the wizard and the village, though."

"Let's meet the good Earl first," Mercury said.

"Sounds as good as anything," Cinder said.

"You mean his representative, right?" Adam asked.

"Of course, my bad," Mercury said. "And then Line's rep, then the wizard, then—how long until the next kidnapping?"

Emerald replied with "Hm?"

"They happen on a schedule, don't they? Every thirty days?"

"Ah. Thirteen."

"Rats."

"In about…" clatter "...six days."

"Shame it wasn't thirty days," Mercury said. "Then you could use that d30."

"Nice try, Mercury, but it's every thirteen days," Emerald said. "As in, slightly more than every fortnight."

"Fortnight?" Cinder asked.

"Fourteen days," Adam said. "I'm more curious about this d30."

Emerald dug a green die with red numbers and rhomboidal sides about the size of a baby's fist out of her bag. "It's a present Hyde got me for a birthday gift. I never have a chance to use it, though. Which is fine, I guess, because that shade of red isn't easy to read on that shade of green."

"But she still wants to use it," Mercury said.

"Well...yeah. I mean, it's a d30, how many people have one of those?"

"Not many," Roman said. "Even fewer have any idea what's happening next, care to enlighten us?"

"Right. You were planning to visit the Earl's representative, right?"

"Yup," Mercury said.

"Hold on," Roman said. "Didn't Mercury flub a Handle Animal roll with his dog?"

"Oh, right. Thanks, Roman, twenty bonus XP."

"Twenty?" Cinder asked.

"I give more for reminding me of things that leave the group worse-off. The dog attacks a waiter bringing some meat to a table."

"Nice tavern," Roman muttered.

"I grab his collar and tell him to stay down!" Mercury said.

Emerald punched Mercury.

"Ow!"

Neo punched Mercury.

"Again, ow!"

"I actually had a point," Emerald said. "We're close enough to hit each other, you can keep your voice down. Dexterity, Merc."

"Check or number?"

"Check."

"Nine."

"Drei's just a guard dog, right?"

"Aye."

"He got an eleven and breaks free."

In a flat voice, with a straight face, Cinder said, "Check please."

Mercury tried not to raise his voice as he said, "I chase Drei! 'Bad dog!'"

"He ignores you. Anyone else who wants to intervene, roll initiative."

"I'm asking for the check," Cinder said.

"This is fantasy," Adam said. "No checks."

"Did we even order anything?" Roman asked.

"If you did, you would have paid up-front," Emerald said.

"Then I leave," Cinder said.

"Helpful," Emerald muttered. "The rest of you?"

"Thirteen," Adam said.

"Pardon?"

"My initiative. Thirteen."

"Eight," Roman said.

"Frtn," Neo mumbled.

"Four-teen?" Emerald asked. Neo nodded.

"I've got seventeen," Mercury said, "and Black Wind has eleven."

"Drei's got...four," Emerald said. "Merc?"

"Tackling my dog."

"Grappling?" Emerald asked.

"...Is there any way around it?"

"I'll let you finish this if you just grab him," Emerald said.

"Oh thank Dust."

"What's wrong with grappling?" Adam asked.

"I've looked at the rules," Roman said. "Special combat maneuvers are six and a half pages, including diagrams and tables. Grappling takes up about one and a half of them, without a picture of any kind."

"Oh," Adam said.

"I hear it was worse in AD&D," Mercury said.

"Merc, do you have Improved Grapple?" Emerald asked.

"No."

"Then Drei gets an attack of opportunity. If it deals damage, you fail. Ten."

"AC 15."

"It misses. Make a melee touch attack."

"Um, three."

"Mercury tackled the ground next to Drei. Neo?"

"Mm...kick."

"You're kicking Drei?"

Neo smiled and nodded.

"Right, that provokes an attack of opportunity.

Neo stopped smiling. "Sword."

"What?" Mercury asked.

"Sword," Neo said, pointing to where it said "Bastard Sword" on her character sheet.

"Um, you could attack for nonlethal damage," Emerald said. "Just minus-four to attack."

"Fn." Neo rolled. "Tn."

"Misses. Adam?"

"Lagon will move opposite...Neo and use nonlethal attacks with a claw. Six."

"Misses. Black Wind follows—"

"Wait, don't I get to control him?" Mercury asked.

"Ordering an animal is a standard action, I think."

Mercury flipped through the book. "It's...a move action. Damn."

"Right. Roman?"

"Move across from someone and use a sneak nonlethal dagger attack. Sixteen—"

"Hits."

"—minus five is eleven."

"Minus five?" Mercury asked.

"Four for nonlethal," Roman said, "and one for Strength."

"Miss," Emerald said. "At this point, we'll just say Drei caused chaos and leave it at that."

"...Let's go to the Earl's guy, then," Roman said.

Mercury nodded. "Ah, is there any polite way to bring up the possibility of marriage to the Earl's daughter if we rescue her?"

Emerald sighed. "You're a thief, two thugs, an exiled druid, and a maniac."

"Hey!" Cinder said.

"Prove me wrong," Emerald replied. "No, there isn't. He's willing to offer a hundred bronze pieces—worth half a silver each, by the way—"

"So they're basically Electrum Lite?" Mercury stated.

"—and a hundred gold, each, if you can bring back the Earl's daughter. It's also a good way to

gain the Earl's favor," Emerald said with a nod, "which is arguably worth more than the coin."

"I'll handle the party stash this time," Adam said.

"Thanks," Mercury said. "My sheet's full of animals and spells."

"I know."

"Knight's man next, I think," Roman said.

Mercury nodded. "What about him?"

"He doesn't have much money to give," Emerald said, "but he'll send you a squire to help you out—"

"First-level warrior?" Mercury guessed.

"At best. If you bring his heir back, he'll pay you with a half dozen cows and a set of masterwork chainmail."

"Excellent," Mercury said. "A lackey, more treasure, and some trade goods."

"Or we could keep them for milk," Cinder said.

Mercury sighed. "All in favor of becoming milkmaids, raise your hand." No one did. "I appreciate the ingenuity, Cinder, but...well, right now it's going worse than your plans in the real world."

"Hey!"

"I call 'em like I see 'em, and right now, I see a pile of shit shaped like a plan."

"That is because you do not see the plan," Cinder said coldly. "You'll know what you need—"

"—when I need to know that you're not just a bozo with deep pockets and a long temper," Mercury said. "Suit yourself."

Cinder growled.

"Careful, Cinder, or Roman might mistake you for a faunus," Mercury said.

"Rule three-oh-one," Roman said. "You wrote it on the list yourself."

"So I did," Mercury said. "But it's fun."

Emerald sighed. "Rule forty-two, Merc."

"...Right."

"Do you have a rule for everything?" Cinder asked.

"Read it yourself," Emerald said.

"Alright." Cinder began reading the list.

"How far are the wizard, the village, and the place from us and each other?" Roman asked.

"Both the first are about two and a half day's travel from here, and a day or so from each other," Emerald said. "Assuming you're on foot. The place is about two days from the village, three from the tower, and five from the town."

"Tower, village, dungeon?" Mercury suggested.

"We'll just beat the next raid," Roman said.

"We might even be able to catch the kidnappers on their way back," Adam said.

"Hm? What?" Emerald said.

"Two and a half days to the wizard's tower," Roman said. "One to the village from there. Two more after that. Five and a half days, and you said we had six until the next scheduled quadruple kidnapping. If we hurry, I bet we can make it five."

"Good luck," Emerald said. "That's that?"

"We might want to spend our wealth on something," Mercury said. "Like a pack beast for the wagon?"

"I have a mule," Cinder said.

"You'll need something else," Emerald said.

"We have Adam's character," Cinder said.

"What, because Lagon's a troll?" Adam snarled.

"No—because—it's because he's strong, that's it!"

"Nice," Mercury said. "Can you teach me?"

Adam scowled at Mercury.

"Can you teach me that, too?"

"Children, remember rule three-oh-two," Emerald said.

"Oh, all right," Mercury said. "We've got the hundred bronze, I've got a silver piece...any other cash?"

"Lagon has one gold piece," Adam said.

"I'm broke," Roman said. "Thieves' tools are expensive."

"I have a wide variety of equipment," Cinder said, "but no cash. And Neo spent her money on a weapon, armor, and a wagon."

"Six point one gold pieces," Mercury said with a sigh. "And the cheapest beast of burden is eight gold...wait, Cinder, how much are those chickens worth?"

"Two copper pieces each," Cinder said.

"Oh. Damn. ...Looks like we're in the market for a sidequest!"

Emerald groaned.

"How else are we going to leave town?" Mercury asked.

Emerald sighed. "That's the thing. You actually sort of have a point...I should punish you for taking a wagon without any pack animals, but..."

"You're a sweet, kind, loving person?" Mercury suggested.

"...I suppose. Let me write something up."


	15. A Brief (But Filthy) Aside

"I've got the sidequest," Emerald said with a sigh. "You find a farmer who's complaining about big rats, and who'll give you a spare plowhorse if you clear them out."

"We accept," Mercury said.

"Great. You see four nasty rats, each the size of a small dog. Make Spot checks."

"Fifteen," Cinder said.

"Eighteen," said Mercury.

"Nineteen for Lagon," Adam said.

"Twenty-two," Roman said.

"Stn," Neo muttered.

"'Stain' isn't a number," Mercury said.

"Six-teen," Neo repeated.

"All of you got high enough to know that something isn't right about those rats," Emerald said.

"They're dire rats, of course not," Mercury said.

"Dire rats are dangerous, but still natural. Roman, you see the stitches. Adam, you smell a foul odor of decay and chemicals."

"Lagon—"

"Whatever. Roll initiative." Dice clattered.

"Zero," Adam said.

"Does he get to act?" Mercury asked.

"Yes," Adam said.

"No rule against it," Roman said.

Mercury sighed. "You're all no fun. Eighteen."

"If we were 'no fun,'" Cinder said, "would we play this stupid game with you? Ten for initiative, incidentally."

"'Stupid game?'" Emerald asked.

Neo nodded. "Fv."

"And I got—" Roman started.

"If you think it's so stupid, why are you playing it?" Emerald asked. "You've had almost nothing but complaints this whole time."

"Can we please let bygones be bygones?" Roman asked. "She cares enough to come back, doesn't she? And could you try being a bit more positive, Cinder?"

Cinder sighed.

Emerald glared, then looked aside and sighed.

"Great. I got sixteen, by the way."

Emerald rolled a few dice. "Merc, Roman, reroll."

"Sixteen," Mercury said.

"Ten for me," Roman said.

"...Merc, roll again."

"Sixteen again. Oh, and three for Black Wind and eight for Drei."

"The rat didn't get sixteen. So we have a rat, Mercury—"

"Artemis," Adam said.

"A rat, Artemis—"

"I get two turns?" Mercury said.

"Shut it. A rat, Artemis, shut up Mercury—"

"I wasn't going to—"

"What did I just say? A rat, Artemis, Gritte, the other three rats, Delilah, Drei, Neo, Black Wind, and Lagon. Rat the first is going to bite the troll. Sixteen."

"That hits," Adam said.

"Four damage, plus make a Fortitude save," Emerald said.

"Can trolls catch disease?" Mercury wondered. "I mean, they have regeneration…"

"Lagon doesn't," Adam said.

"Hm?"

"Trolls don't get regeneration until they're more powerful than a first-level character," Emerald said with a sigh.

"I rolled a six on the save," Adam muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Six."

"That's a fail. In...three days you'll be coming down with filth fever."

Adam sighed.

"I know," Mercury said. "I expected that to happen to Cinder."

"Hey!"

"Look at your history," Roman said. "Fight one, debilitated and nearly killed by a snake bite. It's been pretty consistent, really."

Cinder glared at Roman.

"Anyways," Emerald said, "it's Merc's turn."

"Great. I'll order Black Wind and Drei to attack."

"Is Drei actually combat-trained?" Emerald asked.

"Um...hm. Well, the PHB says 'guard dog'—not much good if they don't know how to guard, right?"

"Not good enough."

"Damn. Then, Black Wind and shortspear. Ooh, natural twenty!"

"Roll to confirm."

"Duh. Does a fourteen confirm?"

"Not quite. You still hit, though."

"Yeah, for minimum damage. Some almost-crit."

"What's minimum damage for you?"

"Three."

"Your spear grazes deeply into the rat's flank, but it's still up."

"Again, damn."

"It's angry and bites you," Emerald said. "Twenty-three."

"Again again, damn."

"Three damage, and make a save."

"Natural twenty. What's the opposite of 'damn'? Nad?"

"The next rat bites…" Emerald rolled a die. "...Cinder."

"That also sounds like the opposite of 'damn'," Mercury said.

"Hey!"

"The rat rolled a natural one...fumble not confirmed. Cinder's dress is slightly messy."

"I can tell," Mercury said. "Also, the rat got Delilah's dress dirty."

"Why do I put up with this?" Cinder asked.

"Because if you kicked us out, you'd have nothing," Mercury said cheerfully. "There's another rat?"

Emerald nodded. "It's attacking...Roman. Ten misses, I'm guessing?"

"You guess right."

"It buries its teeth in your armor. Cinder?"

"I hit the one which bit me with my staff. Twenty!"

"You rolled a nineteen," Mercury said. "You invested in melee?"

"I learn."

"You do?" Mercury said, astonished.

Cinder glared at him.

"You'd have nothing," Mercury repeated.

"Roll damage?" Emerald asked.

"Right. Two."

"You jab the rat with your staff. It backs off. Drei shies away from the rats. Neo?"

"Sword!" Neo moved her new miniature (a crude pencil drawing of a warrior woman with a couple orcish traits) next to one of the rat miniatures and rolled. "Tlv."

"Misses."

Neo frowned and attempted to make puppy-dog eyes at Emerald.

"That wouldn't work even if you actually knew how to look cute," Emerald said.

Neo kicked Emerald under the table.

Emerald sighed. "That definitely isn't doing you any favors. Black Wind attacks...the rat by Cinder. And another minimum-damage roll, we need to get new dice. Trip roll...sixteen versus sixteen, no trip. Black Wind nips a chunk out of the rat, but doesn't want to get too close. Lagon?"

"He will perform a full attack. First, claw the one Black Wind bit. Six."

"Miss," Emerald said.

"I know. Other claw, natural one."

"Roll to confirm fumble."

"Twenty."

"Fumble not confirmed."

"...Lagon will bite the rat," Adam said with a sigh.

"Roll."

"Twenty-one. Four damage."

"Lagon grabs the rat off the floor and rips a chunk out of its abdomen with his fangs before throwing the unconscious rodent aside. And back to the top. This rat is still biting Lagon. Six."

"Miss," Adam said.

"I know," Emerald said, smiling. "Merc?"

"Almost forgot, I have a spell! I'll cast charm animal!"

"How's that work?" Emerald asked.

"...Same as person," Mercury said. "DC fourteen, on this one."

"Rolled seventeen," Emerald said.

"Damn. Um...yeah."

"Two rats," Emerald said. "Oh, and one got an attack-of-opportunity for that spell. Fumbled, though, so it misses the next attack getting its teeth out of your—do you wear armor?"

"Hide."

"Perfect. That leaves the one on Gritte. Ten."

"Misses."

"Great. Cinder?"

"Magic missile!" she said, pointing to the rat next to Artemis's miniature.

"Roll damage."

"Three!"

"Darts of magical energy strike at the rat. The rat looks angry. Drei looks scared. Neo?"

"Sword! Tny!"

"Not a natural tinny," Mercury said, "but I'm pretty sure that still hits."

"It does," Emerald said. "Damage?"

"N!"

"Nine," Roman translated.

"Really?" Mercury said. "I thought she said 'none'."

"Nope!" Neo said.

"Neo skewers the rat attacking Lagon. Black Wind attacks the rat here...that's a miss. Adam?"

"Lagon will follow Black Wind and attack the same rat," Adam said. "Natural one."

"Roll to fumble."

"Shouldn't it be roll to not fumble?" Roman asked. "Since you're trying not to fumble?"

"Not with a second natural one," Mercury said.

"Roll again, Adam," Emerald said.

"Twenty."

"Just a fumble, then. I'll say it stops you from biting. Other claw?"

"Twelve."

"Also a miss."

"Our troll's not doing well," Mercury said. "Must be something he ate." Mercury pointed to one of the rat miniatures moved to the side of the table.

"I'm pretty sure that's the rat Neo stabbed," Roman said.

"Whatever," Mercury said. "Rat does what?"

"Bites Black Wind," Emerald said. "Fourteen?"

"...Just hits."

"One damage and a save."

"Thirteen."

"That makes it," Emerald said.

"Good. My go?" Mercury asked.

"Yup."

"That bitch's getting stabbed. ...Never mind, natural one. But I think fifteen misses the fumble."

"Barely," Emerald said. "That leaves this rat, attacking Cinder. Eighteen."

"That hits," Cinder grumbled.

"Four damage and a save."

"...Seven."

"You've got filth fever. Incubation, one day more."

"To revolution?" Adam said.

Everyone stared at him.

"Never mind," he said. "It was a reference. I'll just nip it in the bud."

"...Right," Emerald said. "Roman?"

"If I move here, will I get a sneak attack on the rat?"

"Yup. Roll."

"Sixteen."

"Hits. Damage?"

"Four."

"The rat is stabbed in the torso and goes down. Black Wind is biting the last one...natural twenty, not bad. No confirmation, but three damage takes it down."

"Why didn't you roll this well before I got sick?" Cinder said.

"Calm down, don't get your robe and wizard hat in a bunch," Roman said. "It's a game. A game of chance."

"Besides," Adam said, "Artemis can heal Delilah. And Lagon."

Mercury coughed. "Actually…cure spells only fix hit points. And remove disease is a third-level spell. And filth fever is a disease."

"Yeah," Cinder said, "we get that much."

"But hey, I've got a few cure spells!"

"You'll have to spend them fixing the disease damage every day," Emerald said.

Roman coughed. "Yeah...I'll handle this one. Diseases don't deal damage. Not hit point damage, at least. It deals ability damage, like...poison."

Cinder groaned.

"And healing ability damage requires at least lesser restoration, which—"

"Third level?" Cinder guessed.

"Second, actually, but that's still enough that I can't cast it."

Cinder groaned again.

"I've got some cure spells right now, though. I'm thinking the regen-deficit troll gets the cure light wounds for...eight hit points, and I'll give the two minors to the caster who has half an excuse to be in melee."

"Nothing for me?" Cinder asked.

"I've got a detect magic," Mercury said.

"...Can't you convert that?" Cinder asked.

"Druid, not cleric. I could convert it to summon monster O, if that was a thing."

"Well…" Emerald said. "You killed the rats, and the farmer gives you his—"

"Wait up," Mercury said. "We're taking the bodies for examination. What would that be, Knowledge (nature)?"

"One of several possible skills you could learn things with," Emerald said. "Let me see your character sheet."

Mercury handed it over, and Emerald rolled a twenty-sided die a few times.

"Right," Emerald said as she handed Mercury his sheet back, "Knowledge and one of the other skills that might have helped got zilch. You rolled well for Survival, though, so you recognize—"

"—that I shouldn't eat them?" Mercury guessed.

"No," Emerald said.

"So they're safe to eat?"

"No, that's not what I meant. What I meant was that that should be obvious with a much lower Survival roll, and...well, it's not quite a rat."

"Oh?" Roman asked.

"Survival doesn't really give you that detailed of information," Emerald said, "but it's enough to tell you that it has some extra organs, a couple missing...and, of course, the stitches and ichors."

"Ichors?" Adam said.

"It has blood," Emerald said, "but also other fluids. You don't have a clue what's up with them."

"Let me get this straight," Mercury said. "We did a quick sidequest to get another beast of burden, and you're using this to foreshadow...something?"

Emerald smiled. "Seventy-five XP all around."

"Alright," Mercury said, "but one last question."

"What?"

"What's the ancient numeral for zero?"


	16. Emerald Snaps

"As far as I can tell," Emerald said, "the Ancients had neither a numeral for zero, nor really a concept of zero as a number."

"Trippy," Mercury said. "I guess that's why there's no summon monster cantrips."

Emerald closed her eyes. "Sure. Why not. Between the rats, Netpedia'ing Ancient numerals, and waiting for you and Roman to convince Cinder that you didn't have any spells that could heal her, I think we've wasted enough time. So we can—"

"Are there any good doctors in town?" Cinder asked.

Emerald buried her head in her hands. "I swear, if I thought any one of you would make a half-decent DM, I'd give you the screen."

"I'd be pretty good," Mercury said.

"No," Emerald said.

"Okay, that one game with all the sprites was bad, but seriously, it's been years!" Mercury turned to Roman. "Come on, you think eight years is enough time to forgive one incident, right?"

"Not without knowing the incident."

"Adam? Cinder?"

"Probably," Adam said.

"No," Cinder said.

"You're saying that just to be contrary, aren't you?" Mercury asked.

Cinder grinned. "How's it feel, being on the receiving end?"

"Knock it off," Emerald said. "If this campaign implodes, I'll see if Adam or Roman feel up to the task. Or maybe have Adam comb the Fang for nerds. Until then, I'm DMing. So try not to drive me crazy."

There was silence at the table for but a moment.

"So...doctors?"

"It's a fucking fantasy setting!" Emerald said. "There are no doctors!"

"There are clerics, though," Mercury said. "We can pay them to cure diseases."

"Then let's do it," Cinder said.

"Oh no," Emerald muttered.

"Isn't that expensive?" Roman asked. "Especially for two? And yes, we're getting one for the troll if we're getting one for the wizard who'll probably set the druid on fire."

"I have set a party member on fire once!" Cinder said.

"That should be a rule," Mercury muttered.

Roman raised an eyebrow. "You have rules against calling magic missile 'mindfray,' using a picture of someone's ex as a backup weapon, and adding 'kill Fall, sorry Fall' to plans, but not setting characters on fire?"

"We only have rules against things people actually did," Mercury said.

"Incidentally," Roman said, "what's with one-twenty-four?"

"It's a reference," Emerald said with a sigh. "So. You want to get some diseases removed."

"Of course," Cinder said.

"One problem," Roman said.

"Yeah, you said it," Mercury said. "It's expensive. Since you need a fifth-level caster to cast it—not sure if they'd have one in this little town—it's gonna be a hundred fifty gold. Each."

"You are not going on another sidequest to get the money to pay for their cures," Emerald said.

"Of course not," Mercury said.

"Then—"

"We're going on a sidequest for the church. If we pull it off well, we might be rewarded with free heals and cheap holy water."

Emerald groaned again. "All against?"

Cinder raised her hand. Neo considered it, then tentatively raised hers as well.

"It sounds like a good idea," Roman said. "Free healing?"

"Indeed," Adam said. "Although I'd like to see if we could convince them to heal us so we can go on our current quest, first."

"Yes!" Emerald said. "Thank you! They do that! You're healed!"

"Shouldn't diseases have some impact?" Mercury said.

"Fuck off," Emerald mumbled. "Not another fucking sidequest. You help out at the temple for a day."

"Should we roleplay—"

"For once, no. We wasted enough time with the dustdamn rats. We're getting back on fucking track."

There was a pause.

"Wizard's house?" Adam said.

"That's the plan," Roman replied.

"Right," Emerald said. "You spend, what did I say, two and a half days travelling there."

"Random encounters?" Mercury asked.

"The rats were enough for me," Emerald said.

"Come on," Mercury said. "It's in the books. How can you have travel through the wilderness without at least a chance of random encounters?"

"No. You're with the wizard. Talk."

"Um...Delilah says hi," Cinder said. "And she asks about seeing the wizard's spellbooks."

"He laughs at her," Emerald said. "He then orders his apprentice to keep an eye on her."

"Is the apprentice male?" Cinder asked.

"Sure."

"I will use my feminine wiles to convince him to let me see his master's spellbooks."

Emerald sighed. "First off, he doesn't have unrestricted access to his master's spellbooks."

"I will use my feminine wiles to convince him to let me see his spellbooks."

"Yeah, about that...'feminine wiles'?"

"I'm seducing him," Cinder said, as if talking to a small child...about seducing apprentice wizards to convince them to reveal their spellbooks.

Emerald sighed. "Charisma check." Neo covered her ears.

"I only have a Charisma of eight," Cinder said. "Could I use my Intelligence? It seems like that would turn a wizard on more."

"That's it, I'm gone." Mercury left the table. "Call me when Cinder's done playing femme fatale. And let me know how much she sucked at being a succubus."

Adam nodded and followed him.

Roman just smiled. "I want to see this first-hand, actually."

"...Can I use Intelligence?" Cinder asked.

"You can properly leverage your intellect with a Charisma check," Emerald said. "I'm pretty sure no one's nerdy enough to...I can't believe I'm talking about this in a game."

"No, no," Roman said. "Please, continue."

Emerald groaned. "You're worse than Marigold and Mercury combined, Cinder."

"I never wanted to combine with Mary!" Mercury shouted from across the room.

"I thought you weren't listening, Mercury?" Emerald shouted back. "Anyways...no one gets turned on by reciting trivia, you still need Charisma. And you lack it."

"And your character isn't much better!" Mercury shouted.

"Shut up or get back to the table!" Emerald shouted.

"Fine," Cinder said. "Fifteen."

"And with your Charisma modifier?" Emerald asked.

"...Fourteen."

"And now I'll roll an opposed Wisdom roll," Emerald said. "He's not an idiot, so I'll give him a thirteen in Wisdom, and a circumstance bonus for having something to lose. Eleven plus three is fourteen, enough to—"

"I'll do a you-show-me-yours-I'll-show-you-mine thing," Cinder said. "With the spellbooks."

"...Damn you all," Emerald said.

"Accept it and fade to black!" Adam bellowed. "Think of the role-playing possibilities!"

"That's what she said!" Mercury shouted.

Emerald rubbed her temples. "Why do I put up with this nonsense? Fine. Delilah seduces the apprentice, who I need to stat up, and they look at each others' spellbooks."

"Next time, play a sorcerer!" Mercury shouted. "They have high Charisma!"

"Not fucking helping!" Emerald said.

"It sounds like I'm helping with the—"

Emerald threw a bottle of bluish-white Dust at Mercury. She apparently critted, since the bottle hit him in the head, covering it with ice. Mercury flailed his arms and fell over. Adam dragged him to a wall.

"That was a waste of Dust," Cinder scolded.

"Worth it," Emerald said, watching Adam smash Mercury's ice-covered head against the wall to break the icy covering before he suffocated.

A minute later, a shivering Mercury, coughing up flakes of ice and with shards of it stuck in his hair, came to the table. "New rule," he said. "No throwing Dust." He coughed again. "It's bad for my health."

"I dunno, Merc," Emerald said with a grin. "I think it was pretty funny."

Mercury started coughing. Adam got up to hit him on the back, knocking a chunk of ice out of his mouth. Without warning, Adam then smashed Emerald's face into the table.

"What the fuck?" Emerald said.

"Ha," Adam said flatly. "I hit your head against the table, just like I did with Mercury." He sat down. "You know what would make this even funnier? Ice cubes in your lungs."

The impact of Adam's statement was dampened only slightly by Neo falling out of her chair, laughing.

"...I'm sorry, Merc," Emerald said. "Just...try to be a little more...non-provocatory? Especially when I'm already…"

"Provoked?" Mercury suggested.

"Yeah. It's been a nasty few days of work, and then the adventure gets derailed by Rat Quest and Cinder fucking the fucking apprentice…" Emerald sighed.

"Soda?" Mercury asked, handing one to Emerald. She took it wordlessly.

"I'm normally good at not making people explode on me," Mercury said. "Especially people with Dust. But I'm not used to other people making it worse...Cinder."

"Don't go blaming it on me," Cinder said.

"Hey, I know it's my own actions. Actions I wouldn't have taken if you hadn't thrown off my calibrations, but my own actions nonetheless."

"Calibrations?" Roman asked.

"Yeah. I've got an internal annoy-o-meter, it normally stops me before I go too far. But Cinder threw it off." Mercury coughed. "It's like Grant is with Scrolls."

"Who's Grant?" Cinder asked.

"Shush. Hey, Em, remember that time Grant accidentally called the police while trying to find the store's schematics?"

Emerald snorted. "Oh, we gave him hell for that. Damn funny a week later, though."

Mercury coughed some more.

"Can't imagine someone that terrible with tech would last long," Roman said.

"We joked that Grant screwed up the cops' cars, and their guns if they tried to shoot him," Mercury said.

"Come to think of it," Emerald said, "did Grant ever get shot? Badly, I mean."

Mercury coughed and spat out a chunk of ice. "Not when we were working with him, I don't think."

"Lucky bastard," Roman said. "How much longer will you be going down memory lane?"

"I'm good," Emerald said. "Yeah, sorry about the Dust. I just…"

"Lost your temper," Mercury finished. "Look, it happens—" Mercury coughed several times. "It doesn't always happen this bad, but you didn't mean it to. Hell, I'd rather put up with the occasional outburst like this and normal Em the rest of the time than normal Cinder all the time."

"I'm sitting right next to you, you know."

"I promise to be more careful if you do," Mercury said.

Emerald smiled. "It's a deal."

"Great," Cinder said. "You've kissed and made up. Now, this apprentice…"

"Not now," Emerald said. "We can discuss it after we've figured out the deal with the wizard, and—" She paused as Mercury coughed loudly. "And after I've figured out the apprentice's spells. And level. And where you're getting the ink."

"Ink?" Cinder said.

"You'll have a few minutes right now," Mercury said. "I could really go for a hot drink right now. Adam, want to make tea?"

"I'll help," Emerald said.

Roman watched the three of them leave. "Neo, do you think we'll ever make it twenty minutes without something happening?"

Neo shook her head.

"Me neither. Maybe we should try to find a less drama-ridden group?"

Neo shook her head. "Ppcn?"

"We've got a little, yeah."


	17. Spells and Sidequests

"Mercury, are you ready to start?" Emerald asked.

Mercury nodded as he poured himself a second cup of tea.

"Since the wizard and his apprentice are going to be…" Emerald glanced at Cinder. "...recurring characters, I've named them. Anyways, before the pre-rolled, ah, rolling-in-bed, Archmage Rowan Oak is talking with you."

"Delilah is—"

"I can guess."

"Gritte will say, 'Greetings, Archmage,'" Roman said. "'How are you this fine day?'"

"'Life is too short to waste on formalities,'" Emerald said in a low, scratchy voice.

Mercury coughed. "I like this guy already. Artemis is going to say, 'Alright then. You want us to bring your servant back? Why?'"

"'Good, trustworthy servants are hard to find. I do many things which require good servants, and many more which require trustworthy ones.'"

"...That's it?" Roman said.

"Are you asking in-character?"

"Not likely. 'Pardon, but why do you need us to do it? Couldn't you...magick it up?'"

"That's the way of the world," Mercury said. "Absurdly powerful NPCs always send low-level characters to do their chores."

"Hush," Emerald said. "'You are doing me a great favor, and deserve honesty. I detect an alien presence at the heart of this, an alien presence with great power, or a great power behind it. It might decide to send me away...lethally or otherwise in a manner detrimental to my health.'"

"'And we're weak enough to slip past?'" Cinder asked.

"'Perhaps. And if you don't, I will be able to study the results and make a more informed decision."

"Snbl?" Neo asked.

Emerald stared. "Um…"

"She—"

"Shush, Roman."

"She—"

"You too, Merc. Neo, say it yourself."

"...We're expendable?"

"Rowan chuckles. 'If you wish to come to that conclusion, I won't correct you. But yes, I would rather have you die than myself.'"

"'I heard you would consider some sort of reward or aid?' And Gritte's saying that very diplomatically," Roman clarified.

"'If you can bring my servant back, you will each be granted a boon by me,' Rowan says with a smile," Emerald said.

"'What kind of boon?'" Cinder asked.

"He looks at you. 'You may have access to my store of magical ink. Beyond that, I have little doubt you'll find your own boon.'"

"Bastard," Cinder muttered. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Bow chicka wow wow?" Mercury suggested.

"That hasn't happened yet," Cinder said. "How could he know about it?"

"Higher-level wizards get pretty crazy," Mercury said, "especially with divinations. One of the higher-level ones lets you literally call gods and ask them what's going to happen. He might well do divinations every week to see what study sessions are going to be rendered moot by the apprentice studying biology."

"What's the apprentice's name?" Adam asked. "You never told us."

"Lief Andrew," Emerald replied.

"'If you don't mind,'" Roman said, "'what boons would the rest of us get?'"

"'One so the one who wishes to not be viewed as a monster will not be,'" Emerald intoned. "'One so the one who was cast from home may return to it. One so the one who wants greatness will be great. One so the one who wishes only to kill may kill.'"

"That last one isn't ominous at all," Mercury said, glancing at Neo. Neo, evidently disagreeing, giggled happily.

"...'Thank you,'" Roman said. "'How will we know who your servant is?'"

"Archmage Rowan has one of his servants hand out a few slates. Each provides a colorful, photorealistic picture of someone—one old man, one young man, and one little girl."

"Wait," Mercury said, "didn't he say he only had one servant missing?"

Emerald nodded. "Rowan says the others are Lane's heir and Lucette Rayne. He also says you can stay at his tower tonight."

"Anything else?" Mercury asked.

"Mjk show?" Neo asked.

"...The archmage does not deign to squander his magic on the entertainment of the hired help," Emerald said. "I told you to stop attempting puppy-dog eyes. It wouldn't work if an actual puppy dog did it."

"It's kinda creepy," Mercury said.

Neo turned to Mercury, who coughed.

"I should have seen that coming."

"So can we just skip ahead to getting to Target Town?" Roman asked.

"Wait," Cinder said. "I still haven't gotten the new spells."

"Right," Emerald said. "My bad. I've decided that Lief's a third-level wizard. He's got cantrips, alter self, chill touch, continual flame, detect undead, disguise self, enlarge person, identify, jump, mage armor, magic missile, summon monster I, true strike, and web. Those all self-explanatory?"

Cinder nodded with a big grin.

"Great. A few caveats. Alter self, continual flame, and web are all second-level. You can't cast them yet."

"I can still scribe them, right?"

"You can. However...you're an evocation specialist, right?"

"Yes."

"And what are your prohibited schools?"

"Conjuration and transmutation."

"Oh, it turns out a lot of those spells are conjuration and transmutation spells. Alter self, enlarge person, jump, mage armor, summon monster, and web, specifically."

"...I see," Cinder said.

Emerald smiled. "You can write them into your spellbook...but you'll never be able to use them."

"I'll write them in anyways."

"...Suit yourself. Anyways, now Lief has burning hands—"

"They should have used protection," Mercury said.

"—charm person, and ray of enfeeblement."

"It's pretty obvious who came off better in that deal," Mercury said.

"Lief asks Delilah to come back soon," Emerald said.

"I'll say I hope to," Cinder said. "I'm done here."

"And that's out of character?" Roman asked.

"Of course."

Cinder nodded. "Then we can go to the village."

"You do," Emerald said after waiting to see if anyone objected. "You spend a day travelling to the village—town, my mistake—and get there."

"What do they give us?" Cinder asked.

"First off, room and board while you're there, and supplies. Beyond that...you can ask."

"All of their treasure," Cinder blurted.

Emerald glared at Cinder.

"...Um...what?"

Emerald kept glaring.

"...Never mind."

"Any serious suggestions?"

"What do they know about the kidnappings?" Roman asked.

"Nothing more than you've been told," Emerald said. "People vanish, four every fortnight-ish, long bloody triangle, they're a big target."

"How many targets have noble blood?" Adam asked. "Bastards, last children, hedge knights and beggar barons and their descendents?"

"Nice thought," Emerald said. "Ten bonus XP, but you don't hear any news along those lines. Of course, that's not to say the victims don't have noble blood—"

"—just that the villagers don't know about it," Roman said.

"Bingo."

"Hm," Mercury said. "Is there any way we could test people to see if they had noble blood?"

"Not at your level," Emerald said.

"I have Identify," Cinder said. "I could identify them!"

"That only works on magic items and the like," Emerald said.

"Could I research a lineage-tracing spell?" Cinder asked.

"Probably," Emerald said. "Merc, you know the rules for that?"

"Not a clue, let me check the book." Mercury flipped through the Player's Handbook. "Let's see...researching spells...chapter two of the DMG." Mercury sighed, then coughed.

"I see you don't research spells much," Roman said.

"No," Emerald said. "Usually, if there's a spell that's relevant to the adventure and isn't in a book, the DM designs it beforehand and makes sure the players have access to it."

Mercury groaned. "Oh, you'll love the rules for researching spells—which, I'd like to add, the Player's Handbook says can either be spells from the book or all-original spells. It says to look for 'Creating New Spells,' and I found it. It's a set of guidelines for the GM to design new spells."

Emerald groaned. "You're joking."

"I wish. I'd have made a better punchline."

"So…" Cinder said. "Can I research the spell?"

Emerald scoured the Player's Handbook. "...Right, cost first. The book says fifty gold per spell level for copying spells out of someone else's spellbooks—"

"Or free if you put out," Mercury said.

"—which I'll increase to seventy-five for making whole-cloth spells. I'll say an eight-hour day per hundred gold, so—"

"—six hours for a first-level spell," Cinder said. "And the Bloodline Analysis spell would be first-level?"

"Maybe even a cantrip, if it's limited enough," Emerald said. "We'll need to discuss the details."

"Like Identify, but it figures out any notable bloodlines," Cinder said.

"Let's actually crack open the rulebook to see how it works…"

* * *

"So, we've removed the expensive material component and replaced it with cheap wine," Emerald said, "mixed with an owl feather and the subject's blood for a cost-negligible material component. Casting time is an hour, the subject needs to be in arm's reach the whole time, and the spell provides any major notable bloodlines in the past dozen generations or so, less for minor nobles and more for gods. And it's a first-level spell. Is that fine?"

"You're done?" Mercury said. "I was just about—" Mercury coughed. "About to crush Neo."

"You're playing tic-tac-toe," Roman said. "It's going to be another draw."

"Ah, but Neo made a critical error this round…"

Neo drew in a circle.

"...Never mind, she corrected it. It's going to be another draw."

"I'm fine with the spell," Cinder said.

"Let's get back to the game," Adam said. Neo nodded and grabbed a handful of chips.

"It'll take a day to research it," Roman said. "And we've just arrived in time for the kidnappings."

"Have we?" Emerald asked.

"Yeah," Roman said. "Travelling to the tower, then the town, then the place takes five and a half days. We had six."

"And you spent one cleaning a temple," Emerald said with a smile.

"...Ah."

"One moment," Mercury said. "Two of those days were going to be spent going from the town to the lair. And that means we have a day to spend in town, which is the main target for the kidnappings. So, Delly can research her spell—"

"'Delly'?" Cinder said.

"—and the rest of us can, I dunno, do other things."

"One problem," Emerald said. "Do you have seventy-five gold pieces to spend on learning Bloodline Analysis?"

Cinder said, "The archmage said I had access to his ink, so—"

Emerald sighed. "You're not retroactively stealing the ink provided so you could freely copy spells."

"Worth a shot," Roman said. "But you know what I'm thinking?"

"Oh no," Emerald said.

"Sidequest?" Mercury asked.

"Sidequest," Roman agreed.

"Sidequest," Adam said.

"Sidequest," Cinder said.

"Sdkts," Neo mumbled.

Emerald put her face in her hands.


	18. Another Aside (Less Filthy)

"Why do I put up with this?" Emerald asked.

"My good looks?" Mercury suggested.

"My charm?" Roman added.

"I'm your boss," Cinder said.

Neo hugged Emerald.

Adam sighed. "I have no idea."

Emerald chuckled. "We have a winner. Neo, let go of me. You've been hired to deal with a mild curse on a spare bedroom in a local merchant's house. A statue occasionally comes to life and beats the living crap out of the occupants."

"What's it look like?" Mercury asked.

"Um…" Emerald frowned. "...A golden man with a top hat, I guess?"

"We need to figure out what's causing this," Adam said. "Then we can fix it."

"We'll probably need to trigger it to learn anything," Mercury said. "This sounds a bit like a horror movie, so to lure out the statue—"

"No," Cinder said.

"What? I was going to suggest putting someone in blackface."

"I doubt that," Cinder said.

"Why, what did you think I was going to suggest?"

"Our characters making out."

"Gee, that's a pretty good plan, too. If—"

"I already said, no."

"We could try chanting," Adam said. "That often causes horror things to activate."

"Vkz," Neo mumbled.

Mercury coughed. "What was that?"

"Vas-quez," Neo repeated.

"Like Granite Vasquez, from that one horror movie?" Mercury asked.

Neo nodded.

Mercury frowned. "Well, we don't have any Vacuoan Huntresses, but we do have an orc swordswoman."

"Phk," Neo exclaimed.

"She's not our only option for bait," Adam said.

"We could find someone who knows a lot about haunted things," Cinder said. "Or the one who's suggesting all the smart things."

Roman echoed Neo's sentiment.

"Might wanna get that swollen head looked at, Torchie," Mercury said.

"Grn Bn?" Neo asked.

"What was that?" Emerald asked.

"...I think she's asking something about Grean Bean?" Roman asked. Neo nodded.

"I think she's asking if anyone around looks like Grean Bean," Mercury said. Neo smiled and clapped. Emerald began hitting her head against a book. Mercury coughed. "I...I think Michelle Redriguez works, too."

"Are there any ancient faunus burial grounds around?" Cinder asked.

"No faunus in D&D," Mercury said. "I bet one of our old characters would make great bait, if we had any."

"I poke the statue," Roman said.

"Thirty XP. Roll initiative." Emerald quickly sketched a small room and stuck a miniature on one wall.

Roman smiled. "See? Sometimes, it really is that simple. Nineteen, by the way."

"Seventeen for me," Cinder said.

"I got five," Mercury said, "and Black Wind's got twenty-one."

"Tnee," Neo mumbled.

"Lagon will act on nineteen," Adam said. "Roll-off, nineteen again."

"I got fifteen, the troll's going first."

"After the wolf and orc," Emerald said. "Blackie's a bit freaked out, but otherwise not doing much. Well, it'll matter in future rounds. Neo?"

"Srd," Neo mumbled, moving her miniature and rolling. "Tv."

"Twelve, with your sword?" Emerald asked. Neo nodded. "Miss."

"Lagon will move to flank, and strike with his claws. Seventeen."

"Hits."

"Six damage."

"Lagon's claws strike the statue, but it's too hard to be much affected. Rome?"

"Roman, to you."

"Cinder's allowed to call him 'Romeo,'" Mercury said.

"Shush. Taking a step back, drawing my crossbow, and shooting. Seventeen, good roll."

"Let's see how damage does."

"Eight."

"Two hit points down, twenty-nine to go."

"Twenty-nine?" Cinder asked.

"Well...yeah," Emerald said.

"Is this level-appropriate?" Mercury asked.

"Theoretically, it's CR two. So, one level above, but that shouldn't mean you can't handle it."

"In theory," Roman said.

"In theory. Cinder?"

"Breaking out the big guns. Magic missile!"

"Damage?"

"Five!"

"Magic gets around the hardness. Twenty-four. And now it's the statue's turn. It moves a step forward and now has three people in easy reach...goes for Lagon. Does a seventeen hit?"

"Yes," Adam growled.

"His AC's as bad as the wizard's," Mercury said.

"Hey!"

"That's three damage to Lagon," Emerald said. "You need to get him some armor."

"He's going Large in a few levels," Mercury said. "He'll just outgrow it."

"We'll work that out when we cross that bridge," Emerald said. "I'll be nice. Merc?"

"Move action to tell Black Wind to attack, standard to...Produce Flame so I can burn the statue," Mercury said.

"Great. The wolf is moving here, and attacking. What's Blackie's attack bonus?"

"Black Wind gets plus three," Mercury said with a sigh.

"Hit, and...no penetrating damage, but there's a trip check...eleven versus eleven, statue down. Sadly, not out. Neo?"

"Ws Pr Tak," Neo mumbled. "Step, flank, sword. Nineteen."

Emerald handed her a piece of candy. "I'd appreciate you speaking clearly more often. That hits. Damage?"

"Fou-er-teen," Neo enunciated. "Mm, s-ix-teen."

"Not so slow, though. That's eight which makes it through, so sixteen health. Adam?"

"Lagon will shift opposite Black Wind and attack. Full attack."

"What's the maximum damage with those claws and teeth?" Emerald asked.

"...Eight with the claws, six with the teeth."

"Don't bother biting. Claws?"

"Six and—natural twenty," Adam said with a calmness unlike a typical critter.

"It's a construct, so no crit," Emerald said.

Adam grunted unhappily.

"Still hits, though."

"Five damage."

"Which is nullified by the statue's hardness. Roman?"

"Stepping back—"

"If you go any farther, I might get hit!" Cinder said.

"Willing to take that risk. Shooting, natural twenty. On a target which can't be critted. Seven damage."

"Fifteen hit points," Emerald said. "Cinder?"

"I don't have another missile, so...Ray of Frost?"

"Roll."

"What do I roll?"

"Twenty-sider, plus base attack, plus Dex."

"Um...natural one."

"Your ray goes out this window and chills the drink of a guy drinking tea across the street," Emerald said.

"Iced tea?" Cinder asked.

"Nope."

"That reminds me," Mercury said, "could you pass the teapot?"

Emerald did so. "It's a teakettle, actually. Anyways, it's the statue's turn. Moving here, out of four valid targets, hitting...Cinder. A fourteen hits?"

"Yes," Cinder said.

"Seven damage," Emerald said. "And now we're back to Merc."

"Stepping into the corner and flaming the statue. Does a seven hit its touch?"

"No. Black Wind...fumbles. Actually, confirm, not confirmed, he just misses. Neo?"

"Sd. Thir-teen."

"Neo's sword bounces off the statue's arm. Adam?"

"Lagon will perform a full attack. Twenty-one and fifteen to hit with his claws, accounting for the flank."

"Hit and hit."

"Eight and seven."

"Three more damage, so down to...thirteen hit points, I think?"

"Twelve," Mercury said. "He had fifteen after Rome scratched it."

"Roman," Roman said.

"Five XP to Merc," Emerald said. "And speaking of Roman…"

"Backing up and shooting. Seventeen."

"Hits. We're getting a lot of seventeens."

"I got four damage, which isn't enough to do crap."

"Nope. The statue attacks...Cinder again. Twelve hits?"

Cinder growled.

"That's a yes. Five damage?"

"I'm out," Cinder said with a sigh.

"Mm. Merc?"

"Flame on. Ten?"

"Just barely. Damage?"

"I got minimum. One hit point melts off the statue."

"Eleven left," Emerald said. "Black Wind is...rolling crap tonight. Neo?"

"Sword," Neo said. Emerald handed her a piece of candy. "Nine. Damn."

"Miss," Emerald said. "But you know that. Adam?"

"Natural twenty, twenty-three."

"Your dice are on fire," Emerald said.

"His attack dice," Mercury said.

"Five and six," Adam said.

"Case in point."

"Indeed," Emerald said. "Roman?"

"Shooting. Ooh, twenty. Not natural, but enough for—maximum damage, actually."

"Eight?" Emerald asked.

"Eight. Nine hit points left. Cinder is out, and...doesn't stabilize."

"Mercury, you had better heal me," Cinder said.

"It's better to make sure I don't have to heal the others," Mercury said.

"No luck yet," Emerald said. "Fourteen on...Black Wind."

"The bastard," Mercury mumbled.

"His armor class is…"

"Fourteen," Mercury said. "The bastard just hit him."

"Mm," Emerald said. "That one bounced off the table, can you get it?"

"I have it," Adam said.

"Great. Five damage to Blackie."

"Great," Mercury said. "Flame on, bitch."

Emerald sighed. "You already said that."

"No," Mercury said. "I said 'flame on' earlier. Now, I said 'flame on, bitch.'"

"That's basically the same thing," Emerald said.

"No, it isn't. Anyways, ten hits?"

"It does. Roll damage."

"Two."

"The statue's at seven hit points. Black Wind bites back in vengeance, and...one...another one...and a miss, so Blackie biting the statue hurts his gums damn hard. One, three, five damage hard."

"As much as the statue dealt to the wolf itself," Adam said. "Poetic."

"And painful," Mercury said.

Adam shrugged. "Well, yes. But that is obvious."

"Sword," Neo said, smiling. "Twen-tee-four!"

"Hits," Emerald said. "More than by a little."

"Ee-lev-en!" Neo proclaimed.

"The statue clings to animation, with two hit points left. Adam's clawing it?"

"Indeed. Nineteen and a natural one."

"First, roll damage."

"Five."

"Nada. Next, roll to not fumble."

"Fifteen," Adam said, "which I believe is enough not to fumble."

"Indeed," Emerald said. "Roman?"

"Shooting. Got a fourteen."

"Hits."

"For three damage," Roman said with a sigh.

"And it's the statue's turn. He hits...Lagon again. The punch goes wild, though. Mercury?"

"I'm flaming this troll!" Mercury said. "Wait, we actually have a troll, a good one. My bad. Um, natural one. And a nine to confirm fumble."

"You accidentally set the room on fire," Emerald said.

"Dammit!" Mercury said. "Cinder's dead, I think. Her spirit infected me with her pyromania!"

"Hey!" Cinder said.

"That reminds me," Emerald said. "Ooh, almost stabilized, but no. Lose another hit point."

"Why didn't you heal me?!" Cinder yelled.

Mercury coughed. "Calm. Cool. Collected."

"Don't you—"

"It means I can save more spells for you, and less for the others," Mercury said.

"Uh-huh," Cinder said. "Not that you're hoping I die."

"Then Roman would be the boss," Mercury said. "I like him even less than you!"

Cinder said, "I mean in—"

"I'm right here," Roman said.

"Hey, I never said I disliked you," Mercury said.

"Kinda did, if you like me even less than Cinder."

"Hey!"

"Good point," Mercury said.

"Hey!"

"Black Wind attacks," Emerald said, "and rolls pretty well. Nineteen before modifiers. And six damage almost breaks the damage reduction...and the statue fell again. Nice. Neo?"

"Sword! Twenty-five! Eleven!" Neo shouted.

"That's enough to kill," Emerald said.

Neo jumped up and started dancing on her chair. She evidently critically failed her Perform check, despite skills not having critical failures, because she promptly overstressed the edge of the chair by jumping on a weak point, causing the seat to break and Neo to tumble off the edge into the table, which was knocked sideways long enough for some books, dice, and snacks to land on Neo.

Cinder sighed. "You're cleaning that up, Neo."

"Good place to break," Emerald said. "I need to figure out what CR that thing actually was. The kind of hardness you find on almost any self-respecting animated item makes it almost immune to low-level physical attacks. As you noticed."

"We're about out of tea, too," Mercury said. "Anyone else want some?"

"I would," Cinder said.

"Great. This next kettle's going to be special for you."

* * *

Are Grean Bean and Michelle Redriguez really that much worse than Spruce Willis? Well...Redriguez, maybe.


	19. Accounting and Plans

Cinder stared at her teacup in mild horror and acute unease.

"What's wrong, Cinder?" Mercury asked.

"I'm not sure," Cinder replied. "That's why I'm…"

"Worried?"

"Concerned."

"It's alright," Mercury said. "Look, I'm drinking the tea." Mercury took a sip, then coughed it up.

"Reassuring," Adam said.

"Hey, not my fault I've still got little globs of Dust-ice in my lungs. Or something." Mercury coughed. "Come to think of it, I think that time might just be me trying to breathe tea."

"Cinder, it's okay," Emerald said. "I don't think Merc's clever enough to poison your tea, even if he could find something that gets around Aura."

"In the words of Cinder: 'Hey!'" Mercury said.

"I do not say it that much."

"Sure you do," Mercury said. "Adam, you got a count?"

"No. But I can start."

"Thanks, I'd like that."

Cinder growled.

"Can we please act like grown-ups?" Emerald asked. "Polite, mature, all that? Because I've made a decision on the animated object."

"Oh?" Roman said.

"Thirty-one hit points is more than a typical CR 2 monster," Emerald said, "which means there probably shouldn't be anything else remarkable about it. But there is. Most animated objects are going to be made of metal, stone, or maybe wood, and hence have a hardness something like five to ten. That's five to ten damage less on every attack. I'm pretty sure it's technically supposed to apply to magic, too, but even how I ruled it, it makes most physical attacks useless, and even Neo was dealing something like half damage."

"Bam!" Neo said.

"Yes, bam. Anyways, second-level characters would have more tricks to deal with it. A few magic items maybe, but not much. Third-level, though? Second-level spells plus a healthy number of first-level would make the creature much easier, though it would take a substantial proportion of your spells. I considered making it CR 4, but its offense leaves something to be desired. Hence, CR 3. And I've rolled treasure for your reward."

"Do tell," Roman said.

Emerald said, "The rolls just barely missed you getting any coins or goods—"

"Cheap bastards," Mercury muttered.

"—but they did give you two suits of masterwork half-plate, one of masterwork full plate."

"Uh-oh," Mercury said.

"What?" Cinder asked.

"No way we're not giving armor to the tanks," Mercury said. "But that's a big chunk of wealth. Which means we need to...work stuff out."

"Debt to the party stash?" Adam suggested.

"...That makes sense," Emerald said. "Why didn't we think of that in our own group?"

"Because you were dumb kids?" Cinder asked. She looked at Roman.

Roman sighed. "I'm not going to say they still are. I certainly don't want to encourage you to be hypocritical."

"What do you mean?" Cinder asked. Then she realized the answer. "Hey!"

"One," Adam said.

"Oh, shut up," Cinder snapped.

"Should it be half the full price, or the full price?" Mercury asked. "The amount we'd sell it for, or the amount we'd buy it for?"

"Perhaps halfway between?" Adam said. "Or eighty percent of that, since one-fifth is rightfully ours."

"Eighty percent times seventy-five percent…" Roman closed his eyes briefly. "Sixty, I think?"

Emerald looked up from her scroll. "Yup. Sound good to everyone?"

No one disagreed.

"We should have a way to sell stuff to the stash, too," Roman said. "Maybe you get sixty back, too?"

"Same logic seems to apply," Cinder said. No one disagreed.

"Masterwork full plate is one thousand, six hundred, and fifty gold," Emerald said, "so that means whoever takes that gets a debt of…"

"Nine hundred ninety gold," Roman said.

"Nice," Emerald said.

"When I grew up, I didn't have a Scroll constantly at my fingertips," Roman said.

"I didn't grow up with one, either," Emerald said. "Didn't have the money."

"And you didn't go to school, either," Roman said.

"Dropped out pretty quick, yeah. Can you do the half-plate, too?"

"What's it cost?"

"Six hundred, plus one-fifty for the masterwork."

"So, seven-fifty? That's four-fifty debt to the lucky owner."

"I would like the full plate," Adam said. "Lagon is...somewhat less capable, on the whole, than Neo's character. Or other members of the party. His attacks are weak, his defenses worse."

"Nthn," Neo mumbled.

"Pardon?" Adam asked.

"Hf-plt lmst nthn, f'mee," Nei mumbled.

"I don't understand you," Adam said slowly.

"I've got this," Mercury said. "It's half-past molesting nothing, so Neo wants to be fu—."

Neo kicked Mercury.

"Hey, I'm sick!" Mercury coughed, a bit stiffly. "And speak clearly, or I'll creatively interpret your mumbling."

Neo sighed. "Half-plate-almost-nothing-to-me. More-for-him."

"True," Adam said, "but you are already quite capable."

"Let's do this simple," Mercury said. "The PHB already has guidelines for this."

"Do tell," Roman said.

"It's simple," Mercury said. "...Do I hear nine-ninety, nine-ninety?"

Emerald giggled.

"Ninitee," Neo said.

"Nine hundred and ninety, do I hear a thousand gold?"

"One thousand," Adam said.

"Do I hear ten-twenny five, one-zero-two-five? One thousand, two hundred, and twenty-five, and this fine, fine armor could be yours! Not much at all, just—"

"Get on with it," Cinder said.

"—a grand twenty-five. Alright, how about ten-ten, that's a thousand and—"

"One," Neo said.

"I hear a thousand one, do I hear—"

"One thousand two," Adam said.

"One-three!"

"One thousand five."

"Six!"

"One thousand and ten gold."

"Eleventy-one!"

"That's not a number," Roman muttered.

"One thousand fifteen," Adam said.

"One-sixt!" Neo said.

"One thousand and sixty gold, do—"

"No!" Neo said.

"Sorry, sweetheart, a bid's a—ow! No kicking!"

"For kicking," Emerald said, "stick with the bid. Speak clearly next time.

Neo pouted.

"Do I hear one-oh-sev—"

"No," Adam said.

"Sold to the young lady with the mean streak!"

"Cinder's not young—" Roman said.

"Hey!"

"Two."

"—and wizards can't wear armor," Roman finished.

"...Hey!"

"Three."

"Shut up!"

"And I will take the half-plate," Adam said.

"Sl scl ml'n wgn t'sh," Neo mumbled.

"What was that?" Emerald asked.

Mercury said, "She wants to…"

"Sell scale mail and wagon to stash," Neo said.

"Damn, I was about to think of something clever."

"Sixty percent of...fifty is thirty," Emerald said, "and sixty of thirty-five is twenty-one, so you've got a thousand nine debt left."

"No Scroll," Roman said. "Though these were pretty easy."

"I'll sell my mule to the stash," Cinder said.

"Four gold eight silver," Roman said.

"And I'll borrow money from the stash to pay for spell research," Cinder said.

Adam shook his head. "We've got the equivalent of—bronze pieces are half a silver piece each, right?"

"Bingo," Emerald said.

"We have the equivalent of five gold pieces. We'd need seventy more."

"Sell some stuff we won't need, then."

"Like the spare masterwork half-plate," Mercury said. "Any objections?"

There were none.

"Great," Mercury said. "Another four hundred gold—"

"Nice try," Emerald said.

"Another three hundred seventy-five gold," Mercury said, "and seventy-five is going into Cinder's spell research."

"Incidentally," Emerald said, "since every other method of learning spells requires a Spellcraft check…"

"No," Cinder said.

"...I've decided researching them should, too. You spend the gold at the beginning, but don't need to re-spend anything but time if you fail."

Cinder sighed. "What's the DC?"

"Twenty plus the DC if it's one you're vaguely familiar with—that is, a reasonably common spell in the rulebooks—or twenty-five plus if not. Twenty-six for you."

"I have plus ten to Spellcraft," Cinder boasted.

"Each attempt will take you six hours," Emerald said, "and you can't spend more than eight hours per day on it."

"First attempt," Cinder said. "...twenty-nine!"

"Congratulations," Emerald said, "you now have Bloodline Analysis in your spellbook."

"And one day until the next kidnapping," Roman said. "I think I have a plan."

"Is that so?" Emerald said.

"It is. We start by staking out the town. We watch the night the kidnappers are supposed to kidnap, and we identify their victim and try to catch one of them. We can analyze the victim, guess what their goals are, and interrogate the 'napper to learn more."

"I had a similar idea," Mercury said. "Let's go with that."

"We've got a plan, then?" Adam asked.

"We do," Cinder said.

Neo nodded.

Emerald smiled.

Mercury coughed. "Not again."


	20. Cinder's Fall

Adam and Roman had dragged over a few Dust crates, while Neo grabbed a tablecloth to cover them with and Mercury found some large paper for Emerald to draw a map of the town on. After that, Emerald quickly drew a map of the town while Mercury, Adam, and Roman discussed strategy (which Cinder tried to direct). Finally, they argued over how best to implement these plans, placing scraps of paper with their characters' names on the map and moving them around. Eventually, they met a resolution.

The town, named Tailor Town, apparently built its wealth off of mills and textiles, including experimental waterwheel-driven looms. It was built on a mid-sized river, with a ford turned into the biggest road in town, Ford Way. The part on the southeast side of the river was larger, but the northwest was closer to the kidnappers' base. In the end. Neo and Delilah were sent to patrol two sections of the northwest section, while Lagon, Gritte, and Artemis patrolled the southeast (Artemis and his hounds taking more than a quarter of the city on their own). They figured out cycles which would keep every part of the city within hailing distance of at least one character...and also organized several local guardsmen, militia members, and other non-player-character volunteers (represented by pieces of candy) into patrols, to make sure there was someone around when the kidnappers came.

Emerald quietly rolled a die, then carried on with moving the little scraps of paper and candies for ten minutes, dealing with small problems like vanishing NPC markers and arguments over how much control Artemis had over his animals. Then Emerald announced that dawn came.

"We missed them," Mercury said.

"Actually," Emerald said, "no one was reported missing. I decided there was a one-in-three chance of someone from Tailor Town being taken, so—"

Mercury and Cinder swore, while the others contented themselves with harsh looks.

"Plan B?" Cinder asked.

Mercury smiled. "Storm the castle, I think."

"Sounds good," Roman said.

"Indeed," Adam said.

Cinder sighed. "Fine."

Neo nodded.

Mercury coughed.

"By castle, I assume you mean the kidnappers' base?" Emerald said.

"Duh," Mercury said.

"It'll take two days," Emerald said, "but you aren't in much of a hurry, are you?"

"Nope."

"Right," Emerald said. "You trek through the wilderness, and run into...a small group of bat-mosquito monsters, about the size of a cat or hawk."

"At least they aren't snakes," Cinder said.

"Roll initiative."

"Svn," Neo mumbled, eyeing the last NPC marker.

"I got fourteen," Mercury said.

"...Two," Cinder grumbled.

"Lagon will act at count four," Adam said.

"And I got eleven," Roman finished.

"The bugs got twenty-two, twenty-two, and nineteen," Emerald said. "The first attacks...Cinder. I'm guessing twenty-three hits your touch AC?"

"...Yes."

"Then the bug attaches."

"That's it?"

"It's a giant bug, with a nasty proboscis, digging its pincers and said proboscis into you," Emerald said. "It's enough. The second...Neo. Hm, I'm guessing a nine misses even your touch AC?"

"Yp."

"Neo swats the monster aside as the slowest goes for...Lagon. Eleven hit touch?"

"Yes."

"Mm. Same deal. Now everyone gets to act. Mercury?"

"There's one on Lagon...but one on Delly," Mercury said. "I'll try using charm animal on the one on Delilah."

"It fails," Emerald said. "These aren't natural animals."

"Well, shoot."

"You knew that would happen," Cinder said.

"What makes you say that?" Mercury asked.

"I knew these things wouldn't count as animals—I think they're some kind of demon, probably—and you know more than I do!"

"In general, yes."

"Hey!"

"Four."

"You're still doing that?"

Adam sighed. "I said I would. I keep my word."

"Hey!"

"Five."

"I do not deceive nearly as much as you claim!"

"When did I say you didn't?"

"You...the implication…"

"I see. Typical."

"That's racist," Roman.

"Not what I meant," Adam said. "I was referring...specifically, not generally."

"I should just fire you all," Cinder said. "I think I've got a cannon, I could make it official."

"Where'd you be then?" Roman asked. "You're a nobody. No one knows who you are."

"Not true," Mercury said. "There are some police officers in Mystral who investigated a series of well-executed but terrible—"

"Hey!"

"Six."

"—thefts over the past few years. Ending around when Roman Torchwick started getting big, actually."

"Would the thefts have been well-executed without her henchpeople?" Roman asked.

"Oh, hell no."

"Hey! And don't—"

"Seven."

"Argh!"

"As amusing as this is," Emerald said, "we should get back to the game. Roman?"

"I'll shoot the stirge on Cinder," Roman said. "How does attacking into grapples work?"

"Grapples?" Mercury said in horror.

"...Yeah, the stirge's attaching works like grapples," Emerald said. "I'm not sure off the top of my head...I think there's a chance of hitting the other guy."

"What else can I do?" Roman asked.

"Shoot the one not on me!" Cinder said.

"It didn't do anything when it attached," Roman said, "and given the kids' hatred of the grappling rules, I'd bet the attaching is the bug's only method of attack. Which means whatever it does next turn—"

"Shoot the one on me!" Cinder said.

"Alright."

"Roll," Emerald said.

"...Natural one."

"Confirm fumble?"

"Sixteen."

"No fumble, but the bolt hits a tree. Neo?"

"Sv Snr!" Neo said. "Sd!"

"Pardon?" Emerald said.

"Save Cin-der," Neo repeated. "With sword. Natwenny."

"Roll to confirm."

"Ten," Neo said.

"Which isn't enough to confirm on the monster…" Emerald began.

"...I don't like the sound of this," Cinder said.

"...but it's enough to crit on Cinder, right?" Mercury asked.

"Bingo. One to fifty is hitting the monster, fifty-one to a hundred is cutting Cinder's head off. And we get...dammit, the tens die rolled away. Somethingy-three."

"I've got it," Cinder said. She seemed to be whispering something right before handing the die to Emerald.

"The die can't hear you," Emerald said. "And we have...fifty. Fifty-three."

"Damn you!" Cinder yelled at either Emerald, Neo, or an angular chunk of plastic. Roman was at least pretending to try and stifle his giggles, but Mercury didn't bother, alternating between laughter and coughing. Even Adam couldn't help bug grin.

Trying to keep a straight face, Emerald said, "Roll damage twice, Neo."

"Sorry," Neo said. "Nine, three, six-and-six."

"Twenty-four damage," Emerald said.

"...Negative fifteen," Cinder said. She got up from the table, silent, and left.

"...After this fight, I'll go talk to her," Emerald said. "We'll work something out. In the meantime, your turn, Adam."

"Can Lagon attack the creature on me with his natural weapons, without risking…" Adam gestured to Cinder's empty chair.

"Sure."

"Good. Six and eight, the claws miss?"

"Yes."

"Mm. Fourteen for the bite."

"Hits."

"Five damage."

"The bug looks woozy, but not quite out. Close, though."

"Mm."

"Mm-hm. And now it's their turn. The one that was on Cinder goes to Neo. Thirteen touch?"

"Ht."

"Neo now has a bug," Emerald said. "The one that was going for her still is. Eighteen, it's on, too. And now the one on Lagon starts draining blood. He takes...two points of Constitution damage."

"Mm. Like the snakes."

"One difference," Mercury said.

"What's that?"

"In a word: 'Hey!'"

It might have been a trick, but some members of the group would have sworn they heard Cinder answer. Adam was not among them, so he did not add this to his count.

"It's more fun when Cinder's around," Mercury said.

Neo nodded.

"Is it the mockery, or the terrible rolls, or the terrible plans?" Emerald asked.

Neo shook her head.

"A little of all of it, I think," Mercury said. "But if we had a little less of the first two, we'd probably see more of the third. Because Cinder wouldn't have left."

"Yeah," Roman said. "But you're not going to hold back?"

"I don't control Cinder's crappy luck," Mercury said. "If I could, I'd focus on—"

"You know what I mean."

"...Maybe...I'll try."

"Good," Emerald said. "Because forget the game, one of these days Cinder's going to dig out that cannon. I don't think it'll work, but you'd probably be baked by Cinder trying to light it. Or, you know, kicked out. I wouldn't like that."

"Aw, I knew—"

"Shut it."

"No."

"Why not?"

"It's my turn."

"...Good point. So, what're you doing?"

"Stabbing one of the ones on Neo. Can I take a minus-four to not hit her?"

"...Makes sense. Sure."

"Great! ...Great. Natural one, so never mind."

"Confirm fumble?"

"Fifteen."

"No fumble. Roman?"

"Same, but with a crossbow. Twelve to hit."

"Hits."

"Five damage."

"Not dead yet, but close. Neo?"

"S—Sword?" Neo asked.

"Only light weapons in a grapple," Mercury said. "That, I remember. Got a dagger?"

Neo shook her head.

"...Well, great."

"She could try to pin it," Emerald said.

Mercury groaned.

"Sure," Neo said.

Mercury groaned again.

"Let me see...win an opposed grapple check. That's not so bad."

"Tlf!" Neo declared.

"What does your—" Mercury almost said, before Neo kicked him. "Stop that!"

"You stptha!"

"Both of you stop," Emerald said. "The bug got seventeen."

"How?" Neo asked.

"Big racial bonus. Shame. Adam?"

"Lagon will claw the bug. Fifteen."

"It lets go."

"He will then move here, to help Neo next turn."

"Great! Less great, it's the bugs' turn. Neo takes...three Constitution damage."

Neo grumbled.

"Merc?"

"Does a, never mind."

"Pardon?"

"A three does not stabbinate."

"That's...I don't think that's a word. Um, Roman?"

"I'm guessing a seventeen would...shootinate?"

"If it was a word, sure. Roll damage."

"Four."

"I see. Neo?"

"Pin! Twennyun!"

"Seven. The bug's down, you can choose to get out of the grapple."

Neo nodded.

"Great. Adam?"

"Lagon will attack the one still on Neo," Adam said. "Eighteen."

"Hits. The buggering bug's down."

"Lagon will attack the other. Eleven."

"Miss."

"Bite. Eleven."

"Still a miss. It decides to grab Arty. Twenty-one?"

"It's on me."

"What'll you do?"

"...Damn. Forgot to buy a dagger. Um...improvised fishhook attack?"

"...Well, that would be light. Roll."

"Four, minus four for improficiency…"

"No."

"Yeah."

"Roman?"

"Same. Natural one..."

"Fumble?"

"Five."

"Damn...I'll be merciful and say the string breaks. Neo?"

"Pin!"

"It's not on you, Neo."

"Sword!"

"With care not to hit Mercury?"

"Thirteen!"

"...I guess not." Emerald sighed. "Luckily, it hits the stirge, cutting it in half."

"It's over?" Mercury asked.

"It's over," Emerald confirmed. "Ninety—ah, one hundred thirteen XP for everyone."

"I think random encounters are more dangerous than minibosses," Mercury said.

Emerald sighed. "I need to get my dice calibrated."

* * *

It's not just Emerald. In a campaign I'm playing in the real world, the players roll crap and the DM rolls great. I wonder if that's a fact of life.


	21. Plans and Pyres

The attack roll that killed Cinder was...apparently not well-explained.

In D&D 3.5, natural twenties always hit what you are attacking, and you roll again to see if you critically hit the enemy. This roll is basically another attack roll; if it beats the enemy's Armor Class, you roll damage twice and add them together. (There are some exceptions; axes and some other weapons roll triple, quadruple, or in a few cases quintuple damage, and some sources of damage aren't multiplied, but that's not important right now.)

I'm not sure how natural twenties interact with situations where you might hit something other than what you're aiming at; my gaming groups always take the relatively small penalty and avoid hitting their friends. It could mean you automatically hit your intended target, or that you automatically hit a random target. The latter seemed more dramatically appropriate.

And now for the big question: How did the attack critically hit Cinder, but it wouldn't have critically hit the monster? To understand this, we need to look at Armor Classes. The monster had an Armor Class of sixteen, and Cinder's is eleven...with Dexterity bonuses. But they were grappling, which means you lose your Dexterity bonus to Armor Class, reducing the monster's Armor Class to twelve and Cinder's to only ten—low enough for the critical hit to be confirmed.

There are a couple of arguments against this. You could argue a natural twenty means you hit your target, regardless of chances to do something else. You could argue that the wording of the monster's ability means the target doesn't count as grappling. Perhaps the characters would argue that, to save Cinder's character. But it's too late now.

* * *

"She's not coming back?" Roman said.

"Not for this adventure," Emerald replied. "I'll leave a couple doors open, but…"

"Not today?" Mercury said.

"Not today."

Mercury sighed. "Typical."

"We'll just have to go on without a cursed wizard," Roman said.

Emerald closed her eyes. "It's not just that, it's—"

"I know," Roman said. "And you might have worked for Cinder longer, but I know her pretty well—and I've known her type longer than you've been breathing. Leave Cinder alone to brood for a while, that's the best. Work on patching things up when she's ready to come back and start ordering you around."

"What do you mean, you know her type?" Adam asked.

"You're probably older than the kids, Horny, but I'm still pretty sure I worked for my first megalomaniac wannabe-scourge before those big mean humies killed your favorite aunt or whatever," Roman said. "They're all the same. Try to hit the kingdom where it hurts and get their attention, get their deeds in big print on the front page, escalate. Eventually they all either run out of capital or go out with a boom. Taking over Atlas's latest potential superweapon or unleashing a plague on a kingdom or bombing the comms tower, something big and showy like that turns bad when they don't realize that things like that are pretty damn hard."

"Cinder isn't just another megalomaniacal scourge," Emerald said.

"Scourge wanna-be," Mercury said. "And she kinda is."

Emerald sighed. "What's your point, Roman?"

"Trust me when I talk about Cinder," Roman said. "She's good at the strategic side, but she tends towards tactical gaffes—"

"Tell me about it," Mercury said.

"—overestimating assets she could gain from various ventures, and if I'm not mistaken, her top-level planning is nonexistent." Roman sighed. "Sooner or later, those flaws will lead to her downfall and anyone who doesn't abandon ship when they have the chance is going down with it."

"Cheerful," Adam said.

"I don't think you can bail out of this one," Emerald said. "You're the face of this operation."

"Not the first time," Roman said. "But I'm ready to delve back into the dice and dungeons. Who's with me?"

Neo raised her hand, followed by Mercury. Adam shrugged and raised his hand. After a moment, Emerald sighed and raised her hand.

"Great," Roman said. "So, we're at the dungeon?"

"You are," Emerald said. "At least, you're now in the right area. It'll take a bit to find the exact place—"

"Or we could wait, see when the kidnappers find us, and ambush whoever they send to deal with us," Mercury said. "Kinda like our plan at the town, except they'd be a bit more expecting us and we'd be a lot more together."

"One of those is better than the other," Roman said. "What other options do we have?"

"Search the woods, hope we don't get ambushed, and hope they didn't lay an ambush at the entrance to their lair," Adam said. "I prefer Mercury's plan."

"...Well," Roman said, "when you put it like that, I can't really argue. Any ideas for attracting their attention?"

"Fire?" Neo said.

"Oh, good, we've still got a part-time pyromaniac," Mercury said.

Neo smiled and nodded.

"I'm not sure how that would attract attention towards us, specifically," Roman said. "I'm not even sure it would attract the kidnappers' attention at all, unless they were druids or their own home started burning. Which wouldn't be good."

"Why?" Neo said.

"The captives would burn, too," Adam said.

"Oh. 'Sbad."

"A little, yeah," Mercury said. "Especially since we'd be torching not only the victims-slash-quest-rewards, but also any chance of figuring out what's going on and basically a level's worth of treasure and XP."

"No fire," Neo said.

"No fire," Roman repeated. "Other ideas?"

"We need something that would get their attention, without making it obvious that we're trying to," Mercury said. "And it needs to leave our stuff guarded, and more importantly, we need to not split the party."

"We've got that squire guy, don't we?" Roman said. "We could send him in as a distraction."

"No," Adam said. "Sir Lane probably wants us to return him in one piece. Besides, if the enemy ambushes our squire, we'll never see them, let alone be able to capture one."

"Wait—Sir Lane?" Mercury coughed. "Like, steak?"

Emerald sighed. "I've said his name about a dozen times, and now you see that?"

"Yeah, but—seriously?"

"Gimme a break, it's better than King Crabbe."

Adam said, "It's a little silly, but—"

"King Crabbe was an elf," Emerald said. "Who had a gargoyle chancellor, but that's another story."

Mercury sighed. "Will I ever live that campaign down?"

"You don't have any other campaigns to live down, so..." Emerald shook her head.

"I like mocking Mercury as much as the next person," Roman said, "and more if Neo or Adam Killjoy—"

"Taurus," Adam growled.

"—is next, but let's get back to ideas. Distractions…"

"Maybe we could just wander around," Mercury said. "I mean, they'll surely have scouts?"

"They might," Roman said, "but they might figure that the best way to avoid being noticed is to avoid sending people out when they don't need to."

"They might not have the manpower," Adam said. "Armies scout, but the kidnappers presumably don't have an army of people, otherwise they'd be invading and raiding rather than covertly kidnapping people."

"This from the faunus supremacist," Roman said. "Remind me never to let him have an army."

Adam glared at Roman for approximately ten seconds before continuing. "They likely have hunters or something similar, to get food, but we wouldn't know them from village or tribal hunters without them attacking us."

"Which they wouldn't, because they aren't idiots," Mercury said. "Unless they are idiots, but that would make our job too easy, now wouldn't it?"

"Yup," Emerald said.

"We have a druid," Adam said. "How long can you summon animals for?"

"One round," Mercury and Roman said at roughly the same time.

"That's six seconds?" Adam asked.

Everyone at the table except Neo nodded.

"Not long enough to be useful."

"Outside of combat," Mercury said. "And in combat, really, since all I can summon are things like monkeys and octopi."

Neo looked up with a smile and attempted puppy-dog eyes.

"It's a little octopus," Mercury said. "Small. Like, halfling-sized or dog-sized."

Neo's eyes widened at the mention of dogs.

"It would only last for six seconds," Roman said.

Neo's smile faded.

"Dude, there's something wrong with Neo," Mercury said.

Neo, naturally, responded by kicking Mercury under the table.

"I think she just wants a pet octopus," Roman said.

Neo nodded without taking much attention off of kicking Mercury.

"Better," Mercury said, "but still kinda weird." He began kicking back.

Adam had begun flipping through the Player's Handbook when Neo began silently begging Mercury for an octopus. "If we waited for Artemis to prepare more spells...never mind, none of these would help. Guidance is an overrated spell, you know?"

"It's a cantrip," Mercury said. "What do you expect?"

"Technically, divine ones are orisons," Roman said.

"Everyone calls 'em cantrips anyways," Mercury said. "Rolls off the tongue better. Pretty sure there was a classic spell called cantrip, too."

"Irrelevant," Adam said. "'Guidance' makes it sound...useful, impressive. Like you're getting divine inspiration on your quest. A plus one bonus to one roll? You get more guidance from a gnome with a lute strumming cheerily."

"Don't dis gnomes, Loom," Mercury said. "They're the spooniest race."

Roman raised his visible eyebrow. "'Spooniest'?"

"It means—"

Neo suddenly stopped kicking Mercury. "Pyre!" she said.

Mercury sighed. "No, Neo, it doesn't mean that."

"No, distraction!"

"We already said no fire," Roman said.

"Not everything," Neo said, "just Cinder."

"Like...a funeral?" Adam said.

Mercury nodded. "It's something like...raise dead is fourth level?"

"Fifth," Roman said.

"Then it's something like five hundred gold pieces for raise dead, not counting diamonds. We don't have anywhere near the cash. Reincarnate doesn't need more than ashes, and it's probably not more expensive."

Adam looked up from the book. "Raise dead requires five thousand gold pieces of diamonds. Reincarnate...is lower-level and only costs one thousand, in oils. It's also a lower-level spell, although a druid one."

"Why does…" It dawned on Mercury. "Ah. If it's a problem, you can just leave me behind. We only need ashes for reincarnate, and I'm pretty sure it works for longer after death."

"Cinder's going to be pissed if she doesn't come back human," Emerald said.

"If she comes back at all," Mercury said. "Which she wouldn't if we had to abandon her corpse. Ashes are easier to carry."

"So we're burning Delilah's body?" Adam said.

"And what a hell of a pyre it'll be," Roman said. "Sure to attract attention."

"Great," Mercury said. "Who has an axe?"

No one answered.

"I'll let you retroactively spend a few gold on some woodsman's axes," Emerald said. "This is a good plan, twenty experience to Neo, I'm not letting it die that easily."

"One for each of us?" Roman asked.

"Sure," Mercury said.

"Why wouldn't we have gotten five?" Adam asked.

"Do you really think Delilah would have deigned to chop wood?" Roman asked.

"...Touche. Four it is."

"So, we just cut down some trees, toss Delilah's body on them after stripping her of anything we could sell or use, and set it on fire?" Mercury asked.

"Does that include clothes?" Roman asked.

"Sure," Mercury said. "It'll help pay the seventy gold, two silver she owes the party."

Neo winced in disgust.

Adam frowned. "I'll ignore that. But we should say some eulogies."

"Sure," Mercury said.

"In-character."

"Oh."

Emerald glanced at the door to the room. "I'd give out roleplaying XP for good ones."

"Most of our characters barely knew her," Roman said.

"Do your best," Emerald said.

"I'll start," Mercury said. "Let's see...'I haven't known Delilah for all that long. When I met her, she tempted me out of the druidic garden I grew up in. She was a bit harsh, got us in trouble more often than I can count, and was a bit prone to setting fires, but she took care of me like a friend. I guess she was one. An unlucky friend who managed to fumble more often than not, a bit prone to embarrassing everyone, but no one's perfect; her heart was in the right place, and even if the bad stuff's more memorable, I'm probably better off with her than without.

"'I feel like Delilah, me, and you guys would have made a damn good team if Neo hadn't accidentally decapitated her. We could have done great things, you know. We'd know adventures, things Delilah will never see. We could go out of the kingdom and back...go to the frontiers, you know. We could have been standing on the deck of a ship bound for Punitive Camps with sweat in our eyes watching ships fight off the coast of...whatever continent this is. Feel the wind in our hair, riding test boats off the black waters and see an attack fleet burn like a match and disappear.'" Mercury sighed. "'But these—"

Cinder entered the room.

"You're back?" Emerald said.

"I've changed my mind," Cinder said. "Out of curiosity...are you holding a funeral for my character?"

"Yes," Emerald said quickly.

"That's...kind. I...appreciate it." Cinder looked around the table. "I...may have been a bit harsh. I know Neo didn't mean to kill my character, that the rest of you certainly didn't."

"That's low-level D&D," Emerald said. "One bad roll and you're toast. Makes the high levels, when you're basically demigods, all the more satisfying."

Cinder smiled. "I look forward to it."

"Demigods isn't entirely accurate for casters," Mercury said.

"Oh?"

"No, high-level spellcasters are more like...well...gods."

Cinder smiled even more.

* * *

I didn't actually have that conclusion in mind when I started writing the chapter. I don't really plan things much on the chapter level...and being able to organically create moments like this is why.

Quick note: As I mentioned twenty chapters ago, I'm doing this for the RWBY subreddit's monthly fanfic and art challenge. If you like Crypts and Criminals, I'd appreciate you going there and voting for it.

I promise this is the last you'll hear of that.


	22. Quips and Snares and Kobold Tails

"Now that you're back," Emerald said, "we've got a few ways to bring you back into the game. The first, and arguably simplest, is to wait until the group has enough money and a caster to bring you back to life."

"I've looked it up," Mercury said. "It would cost one thousand, two hundred, and eighty gold pieces, plus access to a seventh-level druid."

"Clerics can't bring people back to life?" Cinder said, surprised.

"It costs more. Like, five thousand something even if it's our cleric. And we'd have to get an intact corpse to the cleric several times sooner. Oh, and either way you lose a level or two points of Constitution."

"Huh," Cinder said. "I wonder why anyone would choose that option."

"Speaking of options," Emerald said, "the second...I can work in a chance to bring Delilah back, a bit differently, if the group doesn't kill off the NPCs capable of doing that."

Roman smiled. "Show of hands, who thinks we can pull that off?"

Neo raised her hand, then looked around and slowly lowered it.

"Option three," Emerald said, "is to make a new character and introduce it as one of the captives. This is another contender for simplest."

"If you come back," Mercury said, "you'll have to pay your old character's debt."

"You're just trying to keep her equipment," Emerald said.

"Guilty as charged. I do have a point, though."

"I'll create a new character," Cinder said.

Emerald nodded. "You've made a couple, think you're good on your own?"

"I should be able to handle it."

"Great. Good luck. Back to the adventure?"

"Alright," Roman said. "Did the pyre attract any attention?"

Emerald shrugged. "Probably."

"I hope you don't die for giving my character a funeral," Cinder mumbled. "Kind of ruins the whole thing."

"In one way, yes," Mercury said. "There wouldn't be anyone left to appreciate the superb eulogy and many fewer to mourn the deceased. On the other hand, more funerals."

"We are not likely to die because of the fire," Adam said. "We are more likely to die because of terrible luck or accidentally aggravating every enemy combatant at once."

"Thank you, Captain Sunshine," Roman said.

"I haven't been a captain in the White Fang for years," Adam said.

Mercury sighed and coughed. "What is wrong with you?"

"Mild myopia, pollen allergy, and acute civil rights deficiency."

"That was a rhetorical question."

"I know."

"I don't suppose you care about what's going on?" Emerald asked.

Mercury rolled his eyes at both Adam and Emerald. "Fine, what's going on?"

"I don't suppose you're going to say how you intend to find out?"

Roman shrugged. "Any reason not to just camp next to the pyre and keep a lookout?"

"We need to be ready to counter-ambush them," Mercury said.

"What's the chance they'd actually notice?" Cinder asked.

"We built a very large pyre," Adam said.

"...I think that's how I'd like to be sent out of the world," Cinder said.

Roman closed his eyes. "I'll add it to your will. Right, how are we preparing for a counter-ambush?"

"They probably won't be able to come for another few hours," Adam said. "They need to notice the smoke, decide to investigate and who to send, prepare them, and walk over here. We can spend that time digging pit traps or something."

"Does anyone have trapmaking skill or something?" Emerald asked.

Mercury cocked his head. "To dig a pit?"

"To cover it," Emerald replied. "A pit trap doesn't do much if any idiot can see it."

"Would Survival cover snares?" Adam asked.

Emerald half-frowned and shifted her head from side to side. "...Sure, why not. It won't be as good as a proper trap, but it'll work."

"Lagon will set some snares up," Adam said.

"I'll help," Mercury said. "I've got a plus-six, that's a bit higher than Lagon's."

Roman ran his finger down his skill list a few times. "Could I pull off some deadfalls or something with Knowledge (architecture and engineering)?"

"Sure," Emerald said.

"Watch," Neo said.

"I'll—" Cinder started.

"—decompose," Mercury finished.

"...Right. Forgot that."

"What were you going to do, by the way?" Emerald asked.

"Magical traps."

Emerald raised an eyebrow. "...Do you have any spells for that?"

"I need trap spells?"

"Anyone can set a snare, or a deadfall," Emerald said. "It's a mundane skill. Magic is different. There are discrete things you can and can't do depending on level and what spells you know. Aside from creating magic items and spells, but those are restricted in their own ways."

Cinder frowned. "...Oh. What kinds of spells—"

"They're in the book. Anyways, let's see some rolls for those traps."

"Natural twenty," Adam said in surprise. "Twenty-four total."

"Damn good snares," Mercury muttered. "Mine are actually a little better. Twenty-five total, just one shy of critting."

"You can't crit a skill roll," Emerald said.

"Seven for the deadfall," Roman said.

"I hlp," Neo mumbled automatically.

"I'll be nice," Emerald said. "Make an unmodified d20 roll."

"Eightn."

"Alright, that's a nice," Emerald said. "Not a great deadfall, but a deadfall. And a bunch of good snares. Now what?"

Roman steepled his fingers. "Now, we wait."

"Try not to look too unnatural," Mercury said. "Chat and stuff. About Delilah, especially. We just had a funeral for her, it'd be on our minds."

Cinder nodded approvingly.

"You're not going to give Merc another fifty experience for pandering to Cinder, are you?" Roman asked.

Cinder frowned disapprovingly. Emerald facepalmed in a similar manner.

"Right. You're talking, and watching. Make some Spot and Listen checks."

Dice were rolled.

"You hear a few snares going off. Looking, you see some kobolds being drawn into the air. The snares worked. You also see a third running."

"I yell that he's about to run into the deadfall trap," Roman said.

"He isn't," Emerald said.

"Good thing I put ranks in Bluff, then."

"...Roll."

"Well, crap. Nine."

"The kobold has a penalty to Wisdom and no ranks in Sense Motive," Emerald said. "And it's a reasonably plausible lie. There's a fifty-fifty chance he'll buy it." The die rolled. "...One too high. The kobold hesitates—"

"Shoot!" Neo said.

"What are you shooting with?" Emerald asked.

"...Dnt hv nthn," Neo mumbled.

"Donut hive's entertaining," Mercury...translated, from a certain point of view.

"I-don'-hav-ahn-ee-thin!" Neo shouted.

"It was a joke," Mercury said. "Calm down, tri-tone. Anyways, at Neo's suggestion, I'll throw my spear. Eleven."

"The spear misses," Emerald said.

"Lagon has a javelin," Adam said. "None."

"The javelin misses by a heavy margin. The rogue's trying to bluff. The half-orc has no ranged weapon. The kobold bolts."

"Do we need to roll initiative?" Mercury asked.

"Not really," Emerald said.

"I order my hounds to chase the kobold down," Mercury said.

"Alright, then," Emerald said. "Roll a couple Handle Animal checks."

"I got a twenty-two for Black Wind and a six for Drei."

Emerald smiled. "Drei chases a rabbit. Black Wind, on the other hand, proves that when it comes to running, four legs are good, while two legs are bad."

"A message that Adam here empathises with," Mercury said.

Adam frowned. "Pardon?"

"...You seriously don't get it?" Mercury asked. "Dude, I get that reference."

Adam glared at Mercury.

"That would be a lot scarier if you didn't have the mask," Mercury said.

Adam continued glaring.

"So, back to the game," Mercury said. "I have Black Wind carefully play fetch with the big chew toy. That he shouldn't chew too much on."

"Black Wind and the kobold have returned," Emerald said. "What now?"

"Let's grab the other two and tie them up," Roman said.

"We have manacles," Adam said.

"One set," Roman said.

"Kobolds are pretty small," Mercury said. "Maybe we could squeeze them all in one set, or at least two? Put one kobold's feet in each side?"

"What are kobolds?" Adam asked.

"Little lizard-men with dragon blood," Mercury said.

"Essentially. 'This humanoid is about the size of a gnome or a halfling. It has a scaly hide, a naked tail like that of a rat, and a doglike head with two small horns,'" Emerald read. "There's a picture right here."

"That looks like an elf," Mercury said.

Emerald sighed. "Neo, please kick him."

Neo obliged.

"Ow! Oh, you mean the other picture?"

"The one showing a scaly, horned humanoid with a tail and a caption of 'Kobold'?" Mercury asked.

"That picture says 'Invisible Stalker'," Cinder said. "Why is there an elf thing instead?"

"Hush," Mercury said. "Let's see how long it takes her to figure out."

"Shall we interrogate the kobolds?" Adam asked.

"Let's," Roman said. "But first, a bit of politeness. Let's not bind them yet, we still outnumber them. We'll share our food, and our warmth—important for cold-blooded people—"

"I'm pretty sure kobolds are warm-blooded," Mercury said. "Dragon blood, you know."

"It doesn't matter," Roman said. "We'll chat with them, be nice, and roll a twenty-eight on my Diplomacy check."

"Not so fast," Emerald said. "I've found some rules for Diplomacy on the Nets which make it less...broken. I thought I shot you the file?"

"Must've missed it," Roman said.

"The gist is that you make checks for each request, and that the way DCs are calculated is different. I'll let you keep that roll for a deal you want to propose."

Roman steepled his fingers. "Retract the food from the hospitality. A meal—"

"Almost forgot," Emerald said, "language barriers. Do any of you speak Elven or Draconic?"

"I'm playing a half-elf," Roman said. No one else answered.

"Mm. They can speak Draconic and some Elvish. but not a lot and not well. You'll be able to talk to them, but keep in mind that anything too complicated will fly right over their heads. You're feeding them in exchange for…"

"For telling us everything they know about the place they came from," Roman said.

"Hm…the DC is fifteen plus level plus Wisdom, I'm counting NPC class levels as one less so fourteen. Then add five...four because they consider you a likely enemy, zero for a fairly even deal, and you have eighteen. They spill the beans."

"Do tell," Roman said.

"They tell you that they serve someone who looks like Gritte, but with one hand—"

Mercury groaned.

"What?"

"I just realized something. This is pretty obviously the old campaign's setting, some time down the line, right?"

"Yeah," Roman said. Then he realized some implications and frowned.

"It's the elf from the last adventure," Cinder said.

"Half-elf," Adam corrected.

"Who was working for the dragon," Roman said. "And there were some people saying...what, that the dragon was trying to screw with the baron?"

"That's not the worst of it," Mercury said. "Remember what happened to our old characters?"

"They got killed," Cinder said.

"Some," Mercury said. "And Roman's got stuck underground. But the others...could have been alive. And the half-elf didn't mind experimenting on himself or that orc guy. Think he'd hold back on a bunch of prisoners?"

* * *

For those confused about the pictures, I'm going off of what's in my Monster Manual. The Invisible Stalker picture is right above the Kobold picture, and the Invisible Stalker shows an elf-like humanoid in armor whistling in what looks like an otherwise empty picture...if you don't squint for some weird distortions that are certainly not invisible. I guess an otherwise-empty frame would have been lazy.

Diplomacy rules taken shamelessly from Rich Burlew's "This Old Rule: The Diplomacy Skill" article. Synergy has been left alone, to avoid Emerald making too many ripples in Roman's build.


	23. Lean a Little On Your Friends

"...Moving on," Roman said. "They've got old Galictus—"

"Galchius," Adam said.

"—right, Galchius as their boss. Who else?"

Emerald took a sip of tea. "This stuff is good. Anyways, there's also another kobold, one touched by some word you don't know how to translate. It's probably Draconic."

"Is it 'Galchiuck'?" Mercury asked.

"Metagaming," Emerald said. "This kobold was named Darcnokt, but took the name Stygia once she became indoctrinated in Galchius's religion and became his apprentice. The four kobolds came together, having heard of a magician interested in miners, and they were kicked out of their tribe, so they came here, hoping for the best."

"Stygia is a mage?" Roman said.

Emerald nodded. "As far as spellcasters go, arcane is just Galchius and Stygia, but they have several divine spellcasters. The main one is Lohtu the White, a half-orc refugee and scholar. Lohtu is the most powerful caster they have. Then there's Fernna, a goblin who uses his magic and thievery skills to help with his part of the kidnappings. He's also Galchius's second-in-command, and gets to keep choice trophies from the kidnapping victims. Sometimes he even keeps what's left after Galchius and Stygia are done with them. Finally, there's Ming and Xiao, twin humans, zealots with some little arcane power."

"Big bad, apprentice, bookmage, arcane trickster lite, and two mooks?" Mercury said.

"The bookmage, trickster, and mooks are all divine casters," Emerald said. "And there's more. First off are the guards. Nine orcs with giant scimitars, lead by an ogre named Kragg the Mighty. Then you have four goblins—they're mostly there for cooks, but they can gather herbs, too, and they split off in pairs to kidnap people. They're cousins and siblings of Fernna, so they all have pretty easy lives."

"Fern takes one," Adam said, counting on his fingers. "The other goblins catch two. Who takes the fourth?"

"The kobolds," Emerald said.

"Who else is there?" Cinder asked.

Emerald went through her notes. "Um...the kobolds. Oh, and Galchius's and Stygia's familiars, a pseudodragon named Sting and a lizard named Erimakitokage."

"Next—" Roman said.

"Bear in mind that if the kobolds stand to lose anything, you'll need another roll," Emerald said. "And they stand to lose a fair bit if they reveal sensitive information that you don't already know. So what were you going to ask?"

Roman frowned. "Knowledge of the inhabitants of the place is all nice, but I asked about the place itself."

"Ah. The kobolds don't know much about it, but it used to be a tomb—"

Mercury chuckled.

Emerald sighed. "What?"

"Another adventure set in a crypt."

"Tombs aren't crypts," Adam said.

"What's the difference? Wait," Mercury said. "I don't actually care, it was a rhetorical question."

"It has an answer," Adam said.

"I don't care. Tell us more about the crypt, Em."

Emerald rubbed her temples. "It has about a dozen rooms, and some spacious snarls in the halls that got turned into ad hoc rooms. The walls are covered with frescoes and ancient holy symbols, which have in turn been covered in new symbols and such. Everyone except Galchius and the adepts has natural darkvision, so there's not a lot of light."

"Any traps?" Roman asked.

"Not really," Emerald said. "One spot in the halls fills with poisonous, flammable gas. They've heard it leaks sometimes—another reason not to carry torches in that corner of the base."

"You mentioned something about snarls in the halls?" Mercury said.

"The hallways are twisted and maze-like," Emerald said. "They have all sorts of little dead ends and miniature chambers. The kobolds are generally restricted to the front room, but they've gone in sometimes. There are apparently lines on the walls directing them to go various places, and more symbols."

The table was silent for a moment.

"Do you have any more questions or deals for them?" Emerald asked.

Roman nodded. "First, a promise that they won't try to run, in exchange for being let free."

"Don't roll," Emerald said. "They accept."

"Lagon will ask them to vow not to flee," Adam said, "and impress on them how foolish it is to break a vow."

Emerald smirked. "The kobolds accept, being much smaller than the troll."

"Hopefully, all of this has improved their attitude towards us?" Roman said.

"Some," Emerald said. "Are you going to ask them anything else?"

"Will they answer questions in exchange for nothing?" Roman asked.

"That makes it harder to convince them, but yes."

Roman nodded. "Makes sense...what do they know about the kidnappees? Another twenty-eight."

"They're held in a few rooms towards the heart or back of the crypt. Ones who've been experimented on are kept separate from fresh ones."

"Mnus," Neo mumbled.

"Ominous," Roman repeated.

"And about all they know about what's going on back there," Emerald said.

"What do the kobolds even do?" Mercury asked.

"Aside from the biweekly kidnappings?" Roman asked.

"They guard the front door, mostly," Emerald said. "They also get sent out to find food and other useful stuff, and to scout, and there are plans to have them mine and expand the base at some point. Mostly, though, they're the go-to folks whenever someone has an unpleasant task that needs to be done."

"Sounds like they've got a pretty bad situation," Roman said.

"It's not great."

Roman smiled. "How open would they be to joining group that'll treat them right, give them decent jobs, and all that?"

"...Roll."

"Twenty-five."

"They'll come along as long as you keep up those promises. And they want Stygia alive, ideally coming with. Oh, and they won't fight their old friends—probably not anyone, except in self-defense." Emerald shrugged. "Aside from that...they're all yours."

"What are their names?" Adam asked.

"Um…" Emerald frowned. "To be honest, I expected you to waltz in the front door and kill these guys without a second thought. Um, M'dok—"

"I didn't know that," Mercury said.

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't know you were a duck."

Emerald slapped Mercury. "M'dok, Ixen, and Drakruldus."

"What are they like?" Adam asked.

"M'dok's kind of bossy, Ixen's clever and level-headed, and Drakruldus...I didn't name them, you think I gave them personalities?"

"Sorry," Adam said.

"I suppose you'll want character sheets for them, too?" Emerald asked.

"Only if we equip them," Adam said. "Or if they level up."

"This must be what Cinder feels like," Emerald said.

"What do you mean?" Cinder asked.

"People asking me things I hadn't thought about. 'You'll know what you need when—'"

"Hey!"

"Eight," Adam said.

"Nice one, Em," Mercury said.

"I immediately regret my choice. Back to the game?"

"Sure," Roman said. "What do our friends know about the plans of Galchius and Friends?"

"Not much," Emerald said.

Roman sighed. "Figures...Where should the kobolds sleep? I can't imagine there's that much room in the wagon. How many tents do we have?"

"Lagon has one," Adam said, "and the stash has a second."

"I had one," Cinder said.

"That is the one in the stash," Adam said.

"...Oh, right."

"I think that's it," Roman said. "Two tents for four people and three kobolds."

"Kobolds are people, too," Adam said.

"Sure, but much smaller ones."

Adam frowned, but said nothing.

"Did Cinder pack any spare canvas or something?" Mercury asked.

"No," Cinder said.

"You bought a portable ram and a crowbar," Marcury said, "chickens, chalk, and parchment of all things, but not any cloth?"

"Wait," Roman said. "I can think of something else we should do."

"Oh?" Mercury said.

"Ask Duckie, Vixen, and bland to draw us a map."

Adam sighed. "M'dok, Ixen, and Dlakra...Drakroad…"

"Drakruldus," Neo said.

Everyone stared at Neo.

She shrank back in her chair. "Wht?"

"Map," Cinder said. "You were making a map."

"Right," Roman said. "You have a pen?"

"If not, there's charcoal," Cinder said. "People wrote with it, back before we had Dust and industry and all that."

"You're having the kobolds draw a map?" Emerald said.

"Yes," Mercury said. "As good as they can."

"It takes about half an hour of squabbling," Emerald said, "but they produce a crude map. Labelled in Draconic, but they tell you what the labels mean, so you can relabel it in Common. It shows the rooms—mostly rectangular, but one which looks like two rectangles jammed together—with some squiggly lines connecting them."

"Can you draw the map?" Roman asked.

"If you give me time."

"Now sleepy time?" Mercury asked.

"It's only seven," Cinder said.

"...That was pretty good," Mercury said.

"What? Ah, yes, it was."

"Anyways," Mercury said, "we should figure out how we're all going to sleep. Spellcasters should get a tent, of course."

"It's singular now," Adam said.

Mercury coughed. "Cool."

"Anyone opposed to just giving the PCs tents?" Roman asked.

Adam sighed. "Where would the kobolds sleep?"

"On the ground."

"I thought we were being kind to them?"

"Fine, we'll let them clear out a spot in the wagon. If they're careful not to steal or break anything."

Adam sighed. "That...is probably the best I will get from you. Does anyone else have any suggestions?"

No one did.

Adam sighed.

"We'll figure something out when we're rich," Roman said. "For now, they sleep in the wagon."

"Tomorrow," Mercury said, "we rest so Neo heals her ability damage. But the day after that...we march on the crypt, we find the kidnapped people, and we crush Galchutt. ...Who wants some more tea?"


	24. Orcs and the One Ring

I have a confession to make: I've been working on the story so far with a half-baked adventure plan. I've finished off the details on the kidnapping victims, though, so I'm finally ready to show it off to you guys!  docs google com/document/d/1jsag7YRwiFKsDtQXj1SIydD2X449nBka9HRD42_HcWU/edit?usp=sharing

It should be noted that I've been ready for the initial foray into the dungeon for about a week now.

* * *

"It's not bad," Cinder said, "but I think I like Adam's brew better."

"It's the same leaves," Mercury said. "Same water, same kettle. What could possibly make this worse?"

"Skill," Adam said, "care, and—"

"If you say love I'm gonna barf," Mercury said.

Neo sipped her tea, and winced, as if she was considering barfing regardless of what Adam said.

"You allergic to love or something?" Roman asked.

"If I was, I would have barfed already," Mercury said.

"Oh, like your lines are always perfect," Roman snapped.

"I was going to say mint," Adam muttered.

"Well, I like the tea," Emerald said. "You know what else I like? Dungeons and Dragons. Who else is with me."

"Dind, ys," Neo muttered. "T, no."

"Have you ever had tea before?" Roman asked.

Neo shook her head.

"It's an acquired taste," Roman said.

"Although this isn't the best way to acquire it," Cinder said.

"Alright, next break, you're making tea," Mercury said.

"Fine. Maybe I will."

"Game?" Emerald said. "You were planning to assault the dungeon—"

"Crypt," Mercury said.

"Whatever. You were planning to go in?"

"Do we get XP for the kobolds?" Roman asked.

"Ah, right. It's an EL 1 encounter—"

"EL?" Roman asked.

"Encounter Level. CR for more than one creature," Emerald said. "Or for a creature and something that makes fighting it unusually easy or hard. Or, technically, a single creature. Anyways, everyone gets seventy-five XP. Now he dungeon?"

"Yes," Adam said. "And since we have the map...it's single-sided, correct?"

"Yes," Emerald said.

"I am thinking that we can use the other side to draw a map as we go along."

"Great idea," Emerald said. "Marching order?"

"Neo," Mercury said, "then me, then Roman, then Adam."

"Lagon."

"Whatever," Mercury said. "We were planning to go in like that?"

"We did plan that," Roman said. "So we're doing it."

Adam and Neo nodded.

"Great. After walking through the forest for hours, you find what looks like an ancient, half-collapsed pavilion." Emerald rolled several dice.

"I love the sound of that," Mercury said.

"It could be something good," Adam said. "It could even be a feint, a trick to convince us that there is something around when there isn't."

"You all see a pair of orcs—"

"Apparently not," Mercury said.

"—who were allegedly trying to hide. Done talking? Good. Mercury doesn't, because he rolled a natural one on his Spot check and only sees one."

"Hey, look!" Roman said. "Behind that orc! Is that a tree?"

"The orcs shout at you to stop where you are," Emerald said. "What do you do?"

"Ettn!" Neo mumbled.

"I don't think any amorous two-headed giants are around," Mercury said.

Neo and Cinder looked at Mercury with confusion, while Emerald simply struck her forehead with her palm.

"Ettin," Mercury explained. "A two-headed giant. As Neo's answer to, 'What do you do?' As in, 'do' being used in a sexual context."

"We got that part," Cinder said.

"Eight-teen," Neo said. "Nishtv."

"...Lagon has fourteen," Adam said.

"Sixteen for me," Mercury said, "nineteen for Black Wind, and seventeen for Drei."

Roman groaned. "Natural one. Three."

"The orcs got ten and eight," Emerald said. "Which means the wolf goes first, followed by the Neo, followed by the dog, followed by the druid, followed by the orcs, and finally the rogue, who is distracted looking at a tree. Black Wind looks to Artemis for direction. Neo?"

"Charge!" Neo shouted, jumping up on the table and throwing a die across the table. It bounced into Cinder's tea.

"...We'll get it later," Emerald said. "I don't think we have a rule about dice landing in beverages—"

"But we now have one against it," Mercury said, writing one underneath the many others on the list.

"—but I think we'll just reroll that."

Neo sat down and rerolled. "Sxtn."

"Hits," Emerald said.

"Ftn," Neo mumbled.

"That's negative ten hit points exactly," Emerald said, surprised. "The orc is stabbed through the chest, directly between the ribs and through the heart. Drei runs over to take a bite. Merc?"

"I'll order the hounds to go for the other orc," Mercury said.

"Black Wind will go now," Emerald said. "Hits...three damage plus trip...the orc is not tripped, but he looks terrified. He slashes wildly at Black Wind...does a fourteen hit?"

"On the nose," Mercury said.

"Black Wind's nose takes eight damage," Emerald said.

Mercury nodded and marked the damage on his character sheet. He coughed once, before adding a note to his animal companion section.

Cinder read it over his shoulder. "'No nose'...ah, clever."

"Roman?" Emerald asked.

"I'm shooting the orc, with my crossbow," Roman said. "Nineteen."

"Hits. Damage?"

"Three."

"The orc takes it in the thigh of the leg that wasn't gnawed on, and he falls down." Emerald stared at her adventure notes. "That was fast. Do you look around?"

"I loot the body," Roman said.

"While you're doing that," Emerald said, "you hear noises from a hole in the ground. Given the context, you're guessing it's someone hurrying up stairs out of the crypt to investigate."

"I ready my crossbow," Roman said.

"I ready my hounds," Mercury said.

"Ready m'sword," Neo muttered.

"Lagon readies his javelin," Adam said.

"Out comes an orc," Emerald said. "Neo, roll."

"Sevntn. 'Levn."

"Adam, Roman, roll."

"Six," Roman said.

"Two," Adam said.

"By the time Black Wind and Drei get there," Emerald said, "the orc is already on the ground, her face smashed in with a sword." Emerald rolled a few dice. "Black Wind begins feasting on orc, while Drei runs past the orc."

"I chase him!" Mercury said.

"And I him," Roman said with a sigh.

"Me too!" Neo said.

Adam sighed. "Lagon will bring up the rear, more or less as intended."

"Black Wind is clever enough to follow," Emerald said. "You descend into the tomb, and enter a room. It was clearly once a shrine, but has been defaced with all forms of graffiti. One corner has clearly been lived in for some weeks; if you believe the kobolds, this is where they've been. There's also a chair for a guard. Incidentally, for defeating an EL one encounter and an EL one-half one, another one-thirteen XP around. Care to search the room?"

"Have I caught Drei?" Mercury asked.

"Sure."

"Then sure."

"You find one thousand five hundred copper pieces. Oh, and three small heavy picks. As in, heavy picks for small creatures," Emerald said, looking directly at Mercury.

"Why does everyone always assume I'm going to be a smart-aleck?" Mercury asked.

"Because there is no such thing as a dumb-aleck," Cinder said, looking pleased with her wit.

"...Don't quit your day job," Mercury said.

"Hey!"

"Nine."

"And I'm not just saying that because if you did quit your day job, I'd be out of work," Mercury said. "Although that is a secondary motivation."

"Quiet," Cinder said, pouting.

"Should we follow the right wall out?" Roman asked, trying to get the game back on track.

"Nah, Emerald's expecting that," Mercury said. "She'd probably stick, like, a vampire in one room and a holy silver wooden stake gun in the next."

"...A what?" Adam asked.

"Not important," Mercury said. "We go left."

No one argued with what logic was present. After some time mapping out twisted hallways, the party came to dead end with two doors.

"Open the first one," Mercury said to Neo.

Neo glowered at Mercury.

"Neo, could you open the door?" Roman asked.

Neo moved her miniature through the door on the map.

"At first glance," Emerald said as she sketched the room and its features, "the chamber looks like an ancient, half-forgotten torture chamber. On second glance, it looks like someone made a replica of a torture chamber, centuries and centuries ago. On third glance, it looks like someone cleaned up an ancient fake torture chamber and made it functional. Luckily, it seems uninhabited."

"...Let's search it," Roman said.

"Carefully," Mercury added.

"Carefully," Roman agreed.

"Roll," Emerald said.

"I'll take twenty," Roman said. "Twenty-six."

"You find a ring," Emerald said. "It's made of seven interlocking spirals of metal, each tinted a different color of the—"

"I put it on," Roman sid.

"...You put it on."

"Yes."

"You shift randomly between the real world and a world of mist and shadow," Emerald said. "After a few minutes, you discover how to turn it off, without removing the ring. It's called a ring of blinking, and it lets you move randomly between the Material Plane and the Ethereal."

"Dibs," Roman said.

"Not unless you buy it from the party stash," Adam said. "And it's...how much, Mercury?"

Mercury was already looking up the ring. "Auratic Semblance of Dust, it's twenty-seven thousand gold pieces. That's the whole party's wealth-by-level for...like...levels!"

The group stared at Emerald.

"You rolled really well on the boss's loot," Emerald said. "So I put it in a room I figured you wouldn't go to until you were sweeping out the dungeon…"

"You figured wrong!" Mercury said, pumping his fist into the air. "Whoo! We're the best! Go us, go us!"

"You went the wrong way," Cinder said. "An impressive achievement."

"Don't let it get to your head," Emerald said. "Now what?"

"First," Roman said, "what's my ring of blinking do? Specifically—"

"Not yours," Adam said.

"I'll just borrow fifteen thousand, six hundred gold from the stash," Roman said.

"New rule," Mercury said, getting the list out again. "'Don't borrow more from the party than the net worth of the entire party.'"

"Nice," Emerald said.

"Thank you."

"What's it mean to be on this ethereal plane?" Roman asked.

"You walk through walls, disappear, and fly," Emerald said. "The Ethereal Plane lets you move in three dimensions, unrestricted by anything except walls of force and ethereal barriers, and of course no one can see you. Of course, this is limited by the fact that you're fading in and out every few seconds."

"Is that long enough to go through a wall?" Roman asked.

"Depends. How thick's the wall?"

Roman smiled. "Oh, this will be fun. Let's start with a test. Go from here, to here."

"That wall's a foot thick," Emerald said. "It's easy to leap through while you're ethereal. You're now back in the hallway. Your party undeniably knows about your new magic ring."

"In that case...I'll do the same here," Roman said, moving his miniature to the north side of the hallway.

"Same deal," Emerald said. "It's a thin wall, leading to an unfamiliar room." Emerald began sketching it. "It's a bit bigger than the entrance room, and it, too, was once a shrine. But instead of being largely ignored and mistreated, this room has been kept in good condition and repurposed into a bedroom. Three orcs look up from a game of dice to stare at the half-elf who just appeared."

"Um...Gritte says hi," Roman said.


	25. Battles and Buzzsaws

"Um...Gritte says hi," Roman said, "and then he's blinking the hell back through that wall."

"The orcs don't quite get over their surprise before you slip through," Emerald said.

"'They know we're here,'" Roman said in his in-character voice.

"That's not good," Mercury said in his out-of-character voice. "I don't suppose we can stop them somehow? Maybe Roman could take us through the wall one by one, and we'd fight them?"

Emerald flipped through the Player's Handbook, looking for the description of the spell blink. "...It doesn't specifically say. I'll say that if another PC is light enough that he or she doesn't put you over your maximum carrying capacity, shoot."

"Lagon has a Strength of eighteen," Adam said, "and can hence carry three hundred pounds."

"Me too!" Neo said.

Adam looked at the character sheets. "If Gritte gives one of the fighters the ring, said fighter can take Gritte and then Artemis through the wall before going through himself."

"I'll say it takes a round to get someone through the wall," Emerald said. "Care to start?"

"Yes," Neo said.

"Neither of us can take the other through," Adam said. "At this point, Neo is a more effective combatant than Lagon. It makes sense to have her go through."

"Neo's carrying Gritte through the wall?" Emerald said.

"Yes," Roman said.

"Yup!" Neo said. She rolled a twenty-sided die.

"...You didn't need to roll for anything," Emerald said. "Gritte is dropped off just north of the wall. You see orcs turning towards you; you're guessing they were leaving the room when you came back. Roll initiative."

"Eighteen," Roman said.

"Six!" Neo said.

"Nineteen and thirteen. Orc Number One decides to hurry over here," Emerald sid as she moved a miniature towards the players' miniatures, "and throw a javelin at...Roman. Mm, that's a miss."

"I'm going to shoot the one that hasn't moved yet," Roman said. "He's still flat-footed, presumably, and that means a sneak attack."

"It does," Emerald said. "Roll?"

"Nineteen," Roman said.

"That hits. Damage?"

"Ten, with the sneak-attack," Roman said.

"The orc goes down limply. Neo?"

"Merc!" Neo said, moving Mercury's miniature.

"Roll initiative, Merc."

"Fourteen."

"It's a new turn, and the orc goes first. The orc is moving here, to attack the pesky archer. And a six misses. It's the pesky archer's turn."

"Pesky archer will withdraw," Roman said. "That means I just move, but the first space doesn't provoke attacks, right?"

"Essentially. Mercury?"

"Shortspear of doom. Does a sixteen hit?"

"It does. Roll damage."

"Three. Minimum damage."

"The orc takes a spear through the gut but stays standing up. Neo?"

"Sword! Nineteen! Twelve!"

"Neo takes another orc's head. That's another encounter killed, another seventy-five XP each. Care to search the room, you three?"

"Can't we bring Lagon through first?" Roman asked.

"Lagon is too large to be carried by anyone," Adam said.

"Could we knock down the wall?" Mercury asked.

"That would be noisy," Adam said. "Take anything of note and come back. Bring the bodies, too, we don't want anyone knowing we're here if we can avoid it."

Emerald rolled a die behind her screen. "Oof. An orc comes in, saying something in Orcish—"

"I speak Orcish," Roman said.

"He's saying, 'Dench, it's your turn to guard—' Then he's cut off by seeing you guys...well, looting the place and moving bodies."

"I shoot him," Roman said. "Surprise round, right? He sounds surprised."

"You aren't expecting him, either," Emerald said. "Roll initiative."

Roman cursed. "Four."

Neo cheered. "Fif-teen!"

Mercury coughed. "Five."

Emerald cringed. "The orc has twenty, and seeing that you've apparently killed two orcs before, shouts for help."

"How far do the shouts travel?" Mercury asked.

"How would you know?" Adam retorted. "Actually...can Lagon hear the orc?"

"Listen check," Emerald said.

"Fourteen."

"Sure."

"Lagon will hurry down the corridor here," Adam said.

"Let's have you move at the end of the initiative order," Emerald said. "It's simpler. Neo?"

"Charge!"

"There's too much stuff in the room," Emerald said.

"...Walk. Here." Neo moved her miniature next to the orc.

"My turn?" Mercury said. "I'll order Black Wind to move and attack. Wolves are faster than half-orcs. Em, don't you think I'm right?"

"It says so in the book," Emerald said. "And...the wolf hits. Three damage plus no trip. Roman?"

"I'm going to take that melee penalty and shoot the orc," Roman said. "I rolled a nineteen, which means I might crit, right?"

"Right. Roll to confirm."

"Natural one."

"You still hit, roll damage."

"Three."

"The orc goes down, fifty XP for the three of you. But your trials aren't over…"

"Lagon continues moving," Adam said. "He should go past this branch we didn't go down."

"Go past as in go around," Emerald asked, "or through?"

"Through."

"I see. Might as well roll initiative for you."

"Fifteen."

"Excellent. You and Neo roll off."

"Svn."

"Eighteen."

Emerald rolled a die. "So the current turn order is Adam, Neo, Kragg the Mighty, Artemis and Black Wind, Roman."

"Wait," Mercury said. "Kragg the Mighty. The ogre?"

"Yes."

"The CR 3 ogre."

"Yes."

"When we have one party member dead and one on the wrong side of a wall."

"Yes."

Mercury swore like a sailor who just stubbed his toe on the corpse of his wife.

"Calm down." Emerald drew a section of corridor further from the room. "Kragg's carrying a weird mechanical thing, with a handle, a round jagged blade jutting out from one side, and a trailing chain. It's covered in jutting gears and dangling tubes."

"It's important, then?" Mercury said.

"A bit. Luckily, he's still squeezing through the hallway. Adam, what's Lagon doing?"

"Moving, and opening this door."

"On the other side is what looks like a tomb for someone important, covered in unrecognizable religious iconography, covered in symbols recently painted everywhere. The room has been converted into a dining room."

"Lagon will continue moving." Adam moved his miniature a few squares into the room.

"You can now see two goblins, working in what looks like a shrine-turned-kitchen. They notice you. Neo?"

"Moveer, 'tack!"

"Pardon?"

"Move-here-uh-tack. Fif-teen."

"Your sword sticks in the thick hides the ogre wears. And now it's Kragg's turn."

"We get to see just what that thing does," Mercury said.

"Kragg grabs ahold of the chain and gives it a mighty pull. It gives off a rumble. Neo can just hear fluid swishing through the device, but it's drowned out by a grinding noise. The blade starts spinning."

"It's a chainsaw," Mercury said.

"Chainsaws are terrible weapons," Adam said. "I know one brother in the White Fang, Lieutenant Delany, who uses a chainsaw. Clumsy, poor reach, the blades get gummed up whenever you hit something without Aura, and it doesn't handle being dropped well. Tried to teach him to use a sword, but he's too used to the chainsaw."

"It's not a chainsaw," Emerald said. "It's more like a buzzsaw-axe. And that's just the head, the rest is basically unrecognizable."

"How much damage does the not-chain-saw deal?" Mercury asked.

"You'll see next round," Emerald said. "It's a standard action to get it running. Merc?"

"Sending Black Wind to chase the ogre, and moving here."

"Black Wind attacks the ogre," Emerald said. "And hitting. Four damage, and...twenty versus twenty-four, Kragg is still standing. Roman?"

"I'll be moving here," Roman said. "That lets me see the big boy fine?"

"Yep," Emerald said. "Firing into melee, but no cover. And back to the top, rolling for goblins. Thirteen and fourteen, right after Neo. Adam?"

"Lagon will move right through the kitchen," Adam said, "and through this door."

"The goblins are still flat-footed," Emerald said, "so no attacks of opportunity."

"Good."

Emerald sketched another section of hallway. "This area looks lived-in. It's probably where Kragg lives."

"Lagon will move here. That is all of my turn."

"Indeed it is. Neo?"

"Sword! Twenty-one!"

"Blackjack!" Mercury said.

Neo looked at Mercury, confused.

"That hits. Damage?"

"Eight," Neo said, disappointed.

"Twelve damage and counting," Emerald said. And Kragg will attack the threatening warrior. Does a thirteen hit?"

Neo smiled and shook her head vigorously.

"Almost forgot, he's squeezing. A nine hits even less. Kragg swings his strange blade and notches the wall over Neo's head. Merc?"

"Moving here," Mercury said. "Can I see Kragg?"

"Yes, but he has cover."

"I'll cast produce flame, and end my turn."

"Black Wind attacks," Emerald said. "Black Wind hits. Black Wind deals six damage and...definitely no trip."

"Eighteen and counting," Adam said.

"Correct," Emerald said. "Roman?"

"Nineteen to shoot," Roman said. "That's seventeen total."

"Hits and roll to confirm."

"Fourteen."

"Confirms."

"Shot through the heart," Roman half-sang, "and you're to blame. You're taking twelve damage, bad name."

"Thirteen," Adam said.

"Tee," Neo said.

"Excuse me?"

"Thirty," Emerald said. "The shot to the heart takes Kragg down. Before he actually hit any of you." Emerald sighed. "Well, well, well. You don't get more XP for bad rolls, you don't get more for good ones. I'll deduct some for the circumstances, though—if he didn't have a penalty to attacks and AC, he'd probably have done something. Let's say every PC gets two hundred XP."

"Lagon will continue hurrying to the others," Adam said.

"What about the goblins?" Roman said.

"What about them?" Adam replied. "Lagon thinks the rest of the party is in danger. He'll ignore some kitchen goblins to deal with that."

"But they'll get away!" Roman said.

"Lagon weighed the risks," Adam said. "He doesn't know you downed Kragg. Besides, what could the goblins do?"

"Warn the rest of the orcs, maybe?" Mercury said.

Emerald smiled.

"That's only a little less scary when you know exactly why you're doomed."


End file.
